Day 22 – morning sadness

I woke up this morning wondering how it was that I got here. Don’t get me wrong, I could not be happier to be doing IVF right now. I feel like I’m being proactive and doing something to get my life to move forward. But laying there in the quiet, during that lazy period of time before getting out of bed on a weekend, I just thought about how it would have been, if we had conceived within 3 months of trying. Or if we hadn’t lost the baby the time that we did conceive earlier this year. Would it have been more innocent? Happier?

Well, more innocent for sure. I tried to imagine what DH’s reaction would have been if I had told him after we had barely started trying that we had a baby on the way. How would he have reacted? Would he have been happy? Scared? There is one thing for sure. After trying so long, there is no QUESTION whether we want this baby. There will be no “did this happen too soon?? Are we ready?!” feelings. We are more ready than I had ever bargained for.

I know that if we hadn’t miscarried earlier this year I would have been very happy. It certainly had taken long enough for me to appreciate how hard it was. And yet, I still had a certain kind of innocence that I no longer have now. I never really thought in my mind that we would get to IVF. Not after all the tests were passed with flying colors. I had thought to myself, this is just a matter of time. And maybe it still is. But honestly, I know that I don’t want to gamble on that anymore. Maybe I didn’t need IVF, but I am certainly glad I pushed for it. I would take having a baby with IVF now than waiting indefinitely for it anymore.

I feel sad… but also happy. I know that if God willing we succeed, we will be more ready for parenthood than we ever would have been otherwise. And all the pain I go through now will be made up by the pain I will never get to feel later.