Day 32 (cycle day 4) – Bitter and grateful.

Today was a complete contrast with yesterday – the needle went in so smoothly I didn’t even feel it!

DH is coming out with this new theory – he has noticed that when we get the shot done right after I exercise, we always have a hard time, and I seem to have an iron skin. No exercise and its smooth as butter and the needle goes right in. Could that be a coincidence? I wonder…

In other news I called RE’s office again today to clarify whether I will be starting stims on Friday should all be clear. I was told it may be Saturday – all depends. Oh well, I give up – not gonna think about it anymore. I just can’t plan it all… sometimes I gotta let go.

Was also a major pig today. Met DH for lunch and ate such a big lunch it was sickening. So much for being all good and losing a ton of weight this week – oink! I probably gained everything I lost today alone. And I don’t care to verify that, thank you very much.

In fact I am just trying to push out negative thoughts and focus on the feel-good positive ones. Like driving home, I couldn’t help but have my mind drift onto the fact that an aquaintance of mine is currently pregnant and I keep hearing all about her pregnancy almost daily. It sux that she started trying when I should have had a baby already and now is happily on her way with me left behind. Plus she has this small crowd of friends around her and I can’t help but feel some kind of a sadness that if I ever get there, it will be old news and they won’t care as much, just having gone through all those stages with her. Silly I know, but why does it make me sad? I guess because inwardly I feel that my own baby should have already been here. And especially the one I lost.

But on that note, I try to push those thoughts away and not dwell on them too long. What’s the point? Some things only hurt you and there’s no way of feeling good about them. So there’s only a certain amount of time you want to devote dwelling on them. After all, there’s so many good thoughts you could choose to think instead. Like for example – I’m infinately grateful that I live in a day and age where there IS ivf technology that can help take people like me out of misery hopefully sooner than later. I am infinately grateful that I live in a day and age where women like me can connect on the internet and not feel alone. I am infintately grateful for my husband – because I wouldn’t trade him for the world – and rather have a life of IF and suffering with him, than have a life on easy street with any other man on earth. There are actually… so many things to be happy about. The key is to notice them.

On that note, I’m infinately grateful that my injection was smooth today. Hey, after yesterday, I see that’s something to be grateful for!