Reminiscing – a little…

Another day’s gone by and everything is going on same as usual. There isn’t yet a huge sense of “oh my – we are doing this BIG thing right now”. DH and I talk about plans for the rest of the year and try to remember and account for a possible pregnancy through it all. But other than that, life and daily tasks keep us so busy, there’s no time to philosophize about it all.

I took my progesterone last night like I was supposed to, once again wondering whether I even should. This is just yet another “base covered”, but I don’t think my body isn’t making progesterone of its own. I’m just always so cautious about taking anything unless I really need to. But following all instructions all the same. I have realized… that no matter what, I still want to give this embie we’re about to take the best possible chance. So that if things don’t work out, I will not feel like it was because I didn’t do everything I could.
its crazy really to feel love for an embie. When its something I can’t even see with my eyes. But somehow I do.
I remember how it felt when I had the embie that is now DD transferred to me, and looking at this “embie” now… and the absolutely amazing and incredibly individual this is… I guess all I can say is that, there are some things that are simply cosmically beyond my comprehension. How this whole miracle of life things works. And somehow I just know that I need to support this miracle with everything I am, and then leave it to God’s will.
I’ve thought a little bit about how I would feel in each of the scenarios – whether it works or doesn’t. Even though I tell myself that if it doesn’t we’ll just try again next month, I know deep inside that I will still need to feel “through” some sort of a loss for THIS particular embie – the one that I am about to take into my body this Friday. I thought about the fact tonight that it has been literally frozen in time for 2.5 years and is about to be awakened to finally… go to its mother. And I feel a strange sense of guilt, that I left it so long, or left it at all. This is the kind of crazy psyccological nuttiness that we have to deal with, with these kinds of methods of TTC. Sometimes I wonder if the human brain is really meant to deal with thoughts like this. Its certainly easier to just approach it from a more medically calculated standpoint. Otherwise it is all too mindboggling.

But I can’t help it – I’m an emotional being. So I have to find meaning and reason to it all the best I can. Which means thinking about it all in that fashion and trying to psychologically prepare myself (as best I can with how time permits) to have my “special time” with this embie and give to it as best I can. The time I have with it may last a lifetime, if all ends up being succesful… or just a mere few days, if not. So what I guess I feel compelled to do, it to make those days meaningful and not let life’s daily distractions take me away from that fact, that at least on Friday I will be guaranteed to have that live viable embie inside me.

And where it goes from there… only time will tell.