To be or not to be…

The days before you know what is “to be” are always a little mystical in some ways. You know SOMEthing will happen, either option A or option B, and you know that you are about to find out, as your story gets written before your eyes. But you just don’t know what it will be… yet.

With a 5 day transfer, the 2ww is really a 1ww. With DD, I knew 6 days after the transfer, which is even less than a week, and yet as I was revisiting some of my emotions from that wait: (What I felt in 2ww in my successful fresh cycle) it sure felt like forever before it became clear that I was to be blessed with a happy ending. I sure didn’t miss out on my share of tears and worrying and doubting. I had even become pretty sure the cycle is probably a bust.

This time around, emotions are a little calmer. I am still thinking about it 24/7, frequenting FET boards and reading all about FETs – just that I feel a little bit more calm about whatever the outcome will be. I realize that I still have 5 frosties to try with, if things don’t work out and of course to some degree that adds to the reason I’m calmer this time around, but also, I think, just not going through the full rigor of a fresh cycle makes a huge difference.

Still… I am eager to know just what is in the cards. Its always such an anxious feeling, the knowledge, that in just a few more days, I’ll know with relative certainty how this piece of my story gets written and how differently I’ll be impacted in each case. And the reason it still feels hard is that I realize that no matter how many studies I research, no matter how many FET stories I read, no matter how many statistics I see – nothing out there will tell me MY outcome. Nothing short of waiting and finding out.

Sometimes when I think that in a few days I’ll know, it makes my heart do a flip and I start feeling a mere step away from becoming obsessive. But no, no 100s of hidden pee stix like last time I did go out today and buy my tests so that they are ready to go, but I figure I’ll try to hold out till friday or saturday before trying for a sneak peak with a hpt.

I pray that whatever happens God gives me peace with the outcome. Till then… I don’t yet know…