Looks like I might have to be at this a little while longer…

Yesterday, I almost broke down and tested. After all, it was the equivalent day of when I got my BFP the last time, and part of me really wanted to know. I even peed into a cup, just in case – so that its there to test if I absolutely *need* to. But somehow, I held out. The point wasn’t that I didn’t want to know… it’s just that, when you are processing some big news from a little stick, you need to have some sort of peace and quiet, in order to deal with it, whatever it is. And being the middle of the work week and a busy day – just didn’t ever feel like the right time.

But I knew I would test today. Right before the weekend gives me enough time to process whatever the outcome.

During the night I had a very vivid dream. It was one of those crazy doesn’t make sense dreams, but somewhere in the middle of the dream we did test and had a huge BFP. I woke up realizing that wasn’t real and that I am yet to find out.
I woke up early, and so almost tested again before work, but decided to hold out till after work. That way, whatever it is, I don’t have to be at work processing the news.

As I drove home, it was a little surreal to think that in a few minutes I will have an idea of the outcome of this cycle. I knew one thing for sure – enough waiting, I really badly wanted to know where I stand. I thought breifly about each scenario and how it would affect me. But yesterday, I had already realized one thing, that I will certainly feel down and sad if it doesn’t work out. So driving home, I tried to prepare myself either way. So that whatever I see… if it happens to be a BFN, I would know how to emotionally deal with it as positively as possible. Yes, I knew that mother’s day might be extra special if it’s a BFP…. but I know I’m already blessed to be a mom. And if it would be a BFN… I needed to find a way to deal with it.

At home, I couldn’t wait a minute longer. No more time to process emotions, just do it. DH and I both tested. I held his hand as the test releaved the result. … BFN. I immediately tried to think as positively as I could. Although part of me was also numb. Still is.

I realize that its not “totally” over yet. My official BETA is not until Monday. I called the office and they told me to not change a thing and continue taking my progesterone until my day of test. I realize that there is a possibility that between now and then.. things might change.

But I cannot also deny that there is a VERY huge chance now that it isn’t gonna happen for us this cycle. In a way, its best to at least be prepared for that kind of outcome over the weekend instead of have it hit me on a Monday at work. I will continue to dutifully take my progesterone and do as they said. But I will also try to be prepared that Monday might not bring any unexpected miracles.

Today is 7dp5dt. Actually, considering that the FET embie is 6 days old, maybe its 7dp6dt? I don’t know. But I know for sure that on the equivalent day of my fresh cycle, a digital test clearly told me “PREGNANT” on the screen. Naturally, I can’t help but compare.
On the other hand, its really weird, because it is technically only cycle day 24. I was triggered on day 10 because my lining was already at 11.4 and follicle at 20mm. So this cycle started really early.

I am prematurely worried that if this cycle is a bust, my next cycle will end up with some key days over memorial weekend here in the US. Which means… will they cancel it somehow? Or tell me no can do?

I’ll try not to think that far just yet. I just have to let God be in control.
It certainly has been disheartening in a way to see the result I did. I do know in my heart that if it had been positive, I would have been elated. No matter what. But that was not my news today.
I guess its good I have a couple days to process that, before trying to let go of everything on mothers day and just enjoying the blessing I have.
And whatever happens from there…. I guess we’ll find out one day at a time.