Day 22 – morning sadness

October 14, 2006 at 7:47 pm 3 comments

I woke up this morning wondering how it was that I got here. Don’t get me wrong, I could not be happier to be doing IVF right now. I feel like I’m being proactive and doing something to get my life to move forward. But laying there in the quiet, during that lazy period of time before getting out of bed on a weekend, I just thought about how it would have been, if we had conceived within 3 months of trying. Or if we hadn’t lost the baby the time that we did conceive earlier this year. Would it have been more innocent? Happier?

Well, more innocent for sure. I tried to imagine what DH’s reaction would have been if I had told him after we had barely started trying that we had a baby on the way. How would he have reacted? Would he have been happy? Scared? There is one thing for sure. After trying so long, there is no QUESTION whether we want this baby. There will be no “did this happen too soon?? Are we ready?!” feelings. We are more ready than I had ever bargained for.

I know that if we hadn’t miscarried earlier this year I would have been very happy. It certainly had taken long enough for me to appreciate how hard it was. And yet, I still had a certain kind of innocence that I no longer have now. I never really thought in my mind that we would get to IVF. Not after all the tests were passed with flying colors. I had thought to myself, this is just a matter of time. And maybe it still is. But honestly, I know that I don’t want to gamble on that anymore. Maybe I didn’t need IVF, but I am certainly glad I pushed for it. I would take having a baby with IVF now than waiting indefinitely for it anymore.

I feel sad… but also happy. I know that if God willing we succeed, we will be more ready for parenthood than we ever would have been otherwise. And all the pain I go through now will be made up by the pain I will never get to feel later. 

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Day by Day, Emotions & Feelings.

Day 21 – Lupron Starts! Day 24 – so far, so easy.

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. hoping for a baby  |  October 14, 2006 at 11:12 pm

    Thank you for leaving such a nice comment on my blog! And no, I don’t mind you linking me at all 🙂

    I understand how you feel. Sometimes, it almost doesn’t seem real to me that we’re doing IVF. Like you, I’m happy to finally be at this stage because the odds of making a baby are so much higher with IVF than IUIs. But it’s still so hard for me to understand how we got here. It makes no sense at all and it just doesn’t seem fair.

    I will continue to follow your journey. It looks like we’re on a similar schedule for this cycle. I started Lupron on 10/12, I’m projected to start stims on 10/20, and I go in for egg retrieval on 11/1. Let’s hope October/November are lucky months for us!

    Reply
  • 2. Lut C.  |  October 15, 2006 at 1:47 pm

    You know, after all this time, I think I’m very ready to do IVF. As to being ready for being a parent, I’ve stopped thinking about all it.
    Will I stay at home or go back to work? What room will be the nursery? I don’t know.

    For sure I won’t think it was ‘too soon’. But I will have moments of ‘what have I gotten myself into’. And I won’t feel guilty about it. 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. My Reality  |  October 16, 2006 at 3:52 pm

    Thanks for your info on my blog about the antral follicle counts and the link you left me.

    I also find this a kind of bittersweet time. Part of me is happy to actually be doing something, and part of me is still a bit shocked that IVF is the way we have to go.

    I wish you lots of luck with your cycle!

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
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