Archive for November, 2006

5wks 1 day – Out of Progesterone!

The last few days have been hard to describe. Yes, I think about the fact that I’m pregannt every day – but it is such an abstract thought, and one I can’t really latch on to still. After TTC for so long it is somehow hard to rewire the mind – I’m not used to thinking that I’m pregnant – I’m used to thinking about the 28 day cycle and nothing beyond that.

To make matters worse I don’t FEEL pregnant. Not in the least – aside from perhaps slightly sore boobs. That’s it. Is that all? I can’t believe it but I am actually HOPING I get m/s. Please something – anything to finally make me realize its there and that something is happening.

I also started bawling over the loss of my previous pregnancy today. My baby would have been born, probably this weekend. Maybe earlier. I don’t know why it suddenly hit me so hard. Its like I feel like I was robbed of that time – that I should have been HAVING my baby now – not only starting out at the point I was way back then.

But towards the end of the day I’ve felt more calm. I WILL get into this pregancy. It WILL hit me sooner or later. I guess my life has just changed so much in these last few weeks that I just need time to adjust.

On a logistical side, I am out of PIO shots. They were supposed to deliver the refill today but FEDEX got delayed because of bad weather. So the earliest they can get it to me is now tomorrow morning. DH and I spent a good chunk of the evening looking for syringes and needles in pharmacies to get me the last bit of what was left in the bottle. Not even worth it. I probably got a third of the dosage I am supposed to. I am wondering whether to supplment with a suppository tonight. I still have some of those.

Dh and I talked a little tonight and allowed ourselves the luxury of actually dreaming about a baby. It did feel good. Somehow its been this taboo topic. Since there is still so much to go through before we actually have that “baby”. And so much could go wrong. And yet not talking about it probably makes it even worse. Its like there’s this pregnancy we’ve been waiting for forever, and we’re acting like its not there.

Hopefully soon I get to feel some symptoms. Please??? I promise I’ll be a good “nauseated woman”. Just give me a sign that this pregnancy is really there. Lest I break down and start peeing on sticks again…


November 30, 2006 at 10:25 pm 3 comments

19dpo – Beta 2!!

I am writing this with a delay (have not had a minute!!), but decided to date it back to the correct day. The long awaited day of my second beta!!!

In the morning I was calm. I knew that something could go wrong just like the last time, but I figured it is in God’s hands and there is nothing I can do. I wanted to believe, and inwardly I did, that it will all be OK.

The wait wasn’t too long (although the office was packed after the holidays) and they drew my blood quickly. The nurse explained that after such a long break, it is not uncommon to NOT see the numbers quite double just yet, since some women are on a 72 hour doubling schedule instead of 48. So she said to not freak out if they call me and ask me to come back on Wednesday again for another beta just to make sure that things are OK. She said this is very common and I should not be concerned.

I asked about the progesterone and about the next step. She said she would call and give instructions based on my results.
I gave her DH’s number. Once again, this was one of the calls I would much rather him take.

The blood draw was over quickly and I left thinking that I have 7 hours left till I know the result.

The first few were easy, but the last hour is always the hardest. That’s the time you endlessly go over all the possible outcomes in your head. I remembered this period the last time around and how nerve-wracking it was. It was what gave me my phobia for these phone calls. I remembered when that phonecall came where my number had not risen at all, and what a blow it was. How I had just stood in shock and disbelief and could not accept that this was happening to me.

I wondered what would be my fate this time around. Logically I had already calculated what the number “should” be in the ideal scenario. With 50 at 13dpo, it should have doubled to a 100 by 15dpo, to 200 by 17dpo and to 400 today. But no, I shouldn’t expect to be that lucky. Technically with a 72 hour doubling rate even a 200 should be good, right?

I psyched myself up to not be too terribly paranoid if the number came back less than 400. Anywhere in the 300 range at least I prayed.

DH and I had of course also prayed this morning that all would be well.

Finally I saw my phone ringing. DH was on the caller ID.
Here it was, my news…
I took a big breath and picked up…

He immediately calmed me (I have enough tension and certainly don’t like anymore) that things looked good.
Then he said…. guess what the freaking number was.

I was like.. what?! Heck, I don’t know. I can’t guess!! What, 250?

Try 670!

I almost fell flat on my face. 670!!!!!!! Really??? REALLY!???!
I wanted to dance for joy. My embie was still hanging in big time!!! OMG….. is this actually happening? Are we ACTUALLY looking at a possible baby here in 8 months?!

The number was apparently so good that they did not even want me to come back on Wednesday. They scheduled a sonogram for Dec 14th and asked me to reduce my progesterone doses at this point. The nurse had said that the result was really good, and I could not be more extatic.

DH and I went out to celebrate. While it is still so long from being to a point where I would start to feel a lot more safe, it still is wonderful to hear of excellent progress.

Its truly day to day. I love the good news, but I also can’t ever take it for granted.
In a way though, this makes every milestone that much more miraculous. Because I never just “expect” it.

DH said today that he is proud of our embie. Wow… so am I.
I will only pray… that the good news continues.

November 27, 2006 at 10:34 pm 5 comments

17dpo – little glimpses of the possibility of joy

Dh and I spent the day together – we went out to see a movie, did some minor shopping, played a computer game and had an otherwise relaxing day.
I have still been numb more or less to the big news in our life, but today I did have flutters of tiny feelings as random thoughts would hit me – like a thought that I will actually be able to pick up a pregnancy book again. Or that passing through the baby section of a store may not hurt anymore. Or the exciting thought that I might be finally able to delight in starting a keepsake pregnancy journal.

Most of these thoughts, I still push away. I still want to believe and to see more progress and more good news before I fully accept it into my heart. I can’t even open my mouth and say things like “when we have the baby” – if I even want to express myself that way, I ALWAYS feel compelled to add “if all goes well”, or “if things go as hoped”. IF IF IF.

I recall reading several journals of women who never had to experience IF or m/c. They would start planning the nursery and choosing names the day the pregnancy test came back positive. What ignorant bliss. As one book said so well, couples who go through m/c learn that a BFP is still a LONG ways from having that baby.

I feel safe being cautious, and yet I do not want to rob myself of the joy. I will just have to find a happy medium, and a point where I would allow myself to feel it. The last thing I would want after all, is to go through that very first pregnancy and never allow myself the precious feelings and moments that need to come with it. Especially after having waited SO long and gone through SO much to be here.

I will breathe a sigh of relief if things go well on Monday, and even more so, once we have a sonogram. Till then… I’ll just allow myself those glimpses of hopefully… things to come.  

November 25, 2006 at 1:42 pm 3 comments

16dpo – Reassurance

We woke up at an unGodly hour to go shopping this morning. I also had a bad dream after that, I dreamt that I was lying on the floor of the store and bleeding and having a miscarriage. I woke up perturbed and wanted to see my positive line again.

I had not taken a test since the morning of my beta and I remember how the last time, my lines became fainter and fainter before m/c.

So this morning I took a test for reassurance that everything’s still “there” and was thrilled to see that a huge line started forming, before even the control line. This was a huge true BFP (as in big and fat). It was definitely a lot thicker than the line the morning of my beta, so I am hoping that means a good thing and that my numbers are rising. And I didn’t even have to wait 2 minutes for it to form – it was there within seconds.

I can’t believe that here it is – that moment of me peeing on sticks and getting valid bonified positives. I can’t recall the amount of times I read about other women experiencing this. It was always someone else. I became used to the way of things. I would never get that evasive BFP. But here it was. I dont think my line ever even got this thick the last time around. But still, I’m not counting on line thickness of course. My beta on Monday can still throw me a curve-ball and I will just wait for that. This will only hold me over.

 In the mean time, I have to report that the 2ww symptoms for me this time around were NOTHING like the last time. I guess this proves once again just how unique every pregnancy is. I don’t even know why people look out for symptoms. Its literally like “anything goes”, and only the final test or beta tells you the truth.

I’ve certainly felt cramping, pulling, pressure and all kinds of sensations quite a bit. Who knows how much of that is pregnancy related, how much is progesterone related and how much is IVF. I’m also temping (out of habit) but only losely monitoring that since progesterone affects that too. Temps keep staying high.

I want Monday to be here so that I can know what my follow-up beta is already, and yet I also want to have a long and nice relaxing weekend. One thing is for sure – having that beta on Monday will certainly offset any typical Monday blues. There’s a reason to look forward to the weekend being over. And I hope the news will be good.

November 24, 2006 at 5:58 pm Leave a comment

Thanksgiving Day, 15dpo – Thankful.

Today was a day about giving thanks.
I did not pee on sticks and I did not obsess betas.
I just spent the day being at peace and thankful for where I’m at today.

We made a turkey and we watched the parade and we celebrated Thanksgiving.

We went out to a Thanksgiving celebration at night and a few things concerned me, like the fact that I cramped a lot. Also I did get up to dance a few times and was concerned about my heart-rate going up higher than it should. But overall, I was OK – I can’t spend every second paranoid. I just had to leave it all in God’s hands and just thank Him that today I’m exactly where I had hoped to be 2 months ago.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I know where I came from yesterday. I know how bitter and horrible and depressing those last months had been. I may not have had the perfect journey or lost all the weight I had wanted (I’m about 7lbs HEAVIER than I was the last time around, in spite of having consoled myself that I will lose weight after my m/c and be at a healthier range), and my BFP may not have yet sunk in as much as I thought it would. And yet I could not ask for more this Thanksgiving, and I am just thankful that I am here. I realize that the cup is still… MORE than half full, and I will only keep looking up to everything positive. And be thankful for every minute.

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 23, 2006 at 11:07 pm Leave a comment

Day 61 (14dpo) – obsessing betas.

OK, I’ve changed my title to hopefully something more easy to comprehend (even for me). Somehow after ovulation, you count DPO, not really cycle days. I might go back and change my other headings.

First of all, thanks so much for the positive responses to my previous post – I’d comment there, but I figure once I make a new post, maybe the previous comments won’t be read.

I do want to make anyone reading aware that if you are in any way offended at someone not being “happy” enough to actually have a BFP, that I can understand such things, and my idea to switching to a pregnancy blog if (hopefully!!) all goes well from here was to not whine about pregnancy stuff while too many others are still in TTC hell. I wasn’t meaning to vanish – only to have a separate blog that any of the readers here could link to if they “wished” to hear about that.

But…. too early for all that now. Somehow with a beta of 50, I don’t exactly feel too terribly out of the TTC woods just yet.

A lot of today I spent researching betas. I know, I know… beta hell is the worst. And I thought I’d learnt my lesson the last time. And yet, I couldnt help but feel that I’d have felt so much better if the number had been higher. I defintely feel on the low end of betas from everything I’ve read.

I wish that you had a positive pregnancy test and that was that. I wish you could already talk names and nursery decorations at this point. Instead I find myself almost cringing when DH says the word “baby” in a sweet future reference. I keep reminding him that right now I do feel so much safer using the word “embie”. The funny thing is that from an emotional stand point, it almost makes no difference to me. I’m just as in love with my EMBIE. And while I’m happy to be exactly where I’m at today, I can’t really look past today – not just yet.

That’s not to say DH isn’t cautious himself. I know that deep inside we both want to see more progress before jumping through the roof just yet.

Unlike with my previous pregnancy I also have not had the desire to tell a single soul. The last time around, it was almost spilling out of me – heck, I wanted to tell the person in the grocery store. This time, I feel completely safe and secure keeping this fragile news to myself. I was even feeling self consious when buying a book “how to make a pregnant woman happy” for my DH today (he expressed desire for such material). Would the clerk suspect I’m pregnant?! I hope not!!
In fact, I don’t even think about it 24-7 the way I did the last time. Yes I have been thinking betas and researching stats, but hardly really thinking about the fact that “I’m pregnant” all day.

All in all though, I feel good about the way I feel now. I somehow feel calm and rational and mature about it all. I don’t feel like I am jumping the gun, and I figure if all goes well, I’ll have plenty of time to enjoy each moment for what it is. I will be happy to rejoice at every milestone and not look past that. And that’s OK. In a way (and IVF taught me this), each milestone, even when it happens BEFORE conception, can be a precious moment in itself. Getting ahead of myself and excitedly pondering whether the baby’s eyes would be brown or blue at this stage, is kind of analogous to dreaming about your teen’s big prom night when they are only 2 years old.

I’m happy I’m at this stage and in a way thankful almost that my next beta is not until Monday. The last time around, going in for betas every other day made obsessing over the phone call that day so stressful, that I forever developed a phobia for awaiting those calls.
I’m just going to enjoy Thanksgiving and be thankful for the point I’m at today.

And keep praying that my little embie is hanging on.

November 22, 2006 at 8:27 pm 1 comment

Day 60 (cycle day 32) – The day of Beta

And 60 days later… finally after 2 months since I embarked on this journey, it is confirmed. I am pregnant.

My beta today at 8dp5dt (13dpo) came back at 50. It’s kind of an early beta (I guess they scheduled me in early because of the holidays) and they were looking for a reading above 25. They called me at about 2:30 with their congratulatory call. I am now to go back on Monday to see the number rise.

In the mean time I am to continue progesterone, my aspirin, and no exercising, running, weight lifting and the rest.

The good thing is that the nurse said I can stop monitoring my weight cause if I haven’t developed OHSS by now, I’m out of the woods.

This evening I decorated the house with pink and blue balloons as a surprise for DH. I wrote something on each balloon – “I’m pregnant!!”, “It’s official”, “We’re expecting!!” and the like.

I was so temped to write on each balloon “for now”, or “one day at a time” or something else that’s precautionary, but I didn’t. Is this what I would want to remember if all goes well after all? And if it doesn’t, would it matter whether I wrote precautionary words or not?

DH arrived with a surprise of his own – a rose and a card for me. He had been pretty confident that it would be good news and wanted to give me something special for that moment.

So it is official… I’m pregnant… again.

Now for the hard part – my feelings. This is the time period my ill-fated baby would have been due. And for all these months.. all I had been doing was literally surviving. Day by day. Living for the day the nightmare would end. Wondering if it would end too late… at a time when I would no longer feel anymore period. Or maybe it would never end at all.

Who knows afterall, what I would be writing to this blog a week from today. (Should things do go well, I will only take this blog to the point of hearing a heartbeat, and then maybe start a separate one out of respect to those who are still trying to ttc – believe me, I know the last thing you care to hear about is someone’s pregnancy.)

But the key is who knows. I’ve been here before. At this very stage. And I guess the one thing I was totally unprepared for is just how little I would feel, being here again. Oh I knew that I would feel different. Just not THIS different.

It had become a furious quest to survive just getting to this point. And one thing I had never even fathomed is how IVF became a journey in itself. It was almost like a separate side story. It was no longer about a bouncing baby and being parents or any of what TTC starts out to be. It was becoming at times, just about getting to the starting line. Getting past stimming, past retrieval, past embie updates, past transfer… all these goals to make it to the “end” was a fierce journey in itself. So IVF ends.. and then (if successful) you actually face pregnancy – a totally new and different ballgame.

And I have to admit IVF was fun. Thrilling, scary, nerve-wracking, gut-wrenching, but somehow wondrous and amazing fun. That was one thing I had never expected. In hindsight in fact, IVF was nothing like my preconcieved notions. It was almost as thrilling as the pregnancy it tried to achieve.

But being pregnant… at least so far… feels nothing like it should. My first BFP, even though I was aware of how I could miscarry and risks and all – still. the birds were chirping and the clouds were bright. I felt so incredibly special and on top of the world. Even though I had waited a LONG time for that first BFP and was weary of the journey already, still, that BFP was everything I had dreamed it to be. And worth every minute of that wait.

Now, not so. I’m pregnant, I know it…. but I don’t really feel much. No birds chirped and no flowers bloomed.
And I realize… its not because I’m being scared it would end like the first time. Some of that is always present of course… but I’m not as excited, not because I’m scared to be, lest it all gets taken away from me. It’s more because…. I’m worn out. I am truly terribly worn out. This journey getting here (and not IVF, but the horrible, traumatically depressing months that preceded it) truly wore me out. And to be honest, I feel like I’ve gone through a thousand pregnancies. Everyone but my own.
I watched all my friends laugh and cry out in wonder during their sonograms and their doc’s appointments and find out whether they were having girls and boys, all the while after having lost my own, and suffering bitterly in silence, each month only hoping that I would be able to get back what I had lost. I’ve heard my coworkers talk about their new babies, and seen them pregnant around me every day. I’ve tolerated every single thing that was so traumatizing and brutal while hoping and wishing and waiting my turn, which I felt was so unfairly past due.

And more than anything, I’ve also watched women, friends, buddies who I felt DESERVED pregnancies more than I could ever express, be cheated out of them over and over again. My heart cried every time a fellow buddy got robbed.

I guess the whole world just became so unfair, that now that I’m “pregnant”, it doesn’t make it rosy. I am quietly mourning not being able to feel the way I had dreamt to feel, and still hope it would come. Just the way I hope it would for EVERY woman out there that DESERVES her turn a thousand times over. And deserves to be a mom more than words can express. It is my dream that NONE of us… get doubly robbed by not only going through IF to begin with, but also not being able to enjoy things ten-fold when we finally do get that chance.

I hope that just for a while… I would be able to feel happy and lucky and carefree. I will hang on to those moments whenever I can, and hope that they do come. For now… I guess the best analogy, is that I feel like an overgrown kid, who finally got to see Santa Claus when they were 90. In many ways… this point of my journey is only serving to keep me away from being utterly devastated and dissappointed this Thanksgiving. But I’m not exactly singing from any rooftops yet….

Maybe…and hopefully… that point will come, and I will. In which case, any of you that are unfairly behind me, feel free to shut me up and move me to the other side of the fence and onto a bonified pregnancy blog. Hopefully we’ll all be on that side together sometime soon.

So its day 60… and I’m at the point I’d dreamt to be for today. But it will still take some time to sink in. For now I’ll just be thankful, this thanksgiving… for this blessing I dont even feel that deserving of, when I look at some other stories.

And yet when I think of so many others… the millions of others… who get to enjoy that magical first pregnancy… I can only hope, that maybe… and hopefully… and God willingly … this would be the beginning of my turn.

November 21, 2006 at 11:07 pm 5 comments

Older Posts

Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506

Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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