Day 51 (cycle day 23) – last day before ET

November 12, 2006 at 9:45 pm 1 comment

I don’t know what the deal is but I feel ansy and irritable and supersticious. I spent all of today trying to do the things I won’t get to tomorrow. I even exercised mildly – they told me it was ok, and I figured it is the last time before beta or even more.

DH is taking off all of tomorrow and after to be with me. We figure we’ll lie in bed and watch movies.

He’s also been great with the PIO shots. I just lie on the bed and don’t look and he does the rest, from the shot to the massaging to the heating pad. The shots have not been that bad, although yesterday about an hour after the shot the muscle really hurt for about 20 minutes or so. Hmm.

We’ve been giving some thought on whether to transfer two or one tomorrow if we are faced with the situation where we are recommended to transfer only one. Its a very tough choice – which is exactly why you don’t want to make it on ET day. We were advised to know exactly what our decision is ahead of time in that scenario. So we needed to make it. Although we don’t know what awaits us tomorrow or how many embies even made it.

I spent a bit of time researching 3 vs 5 day transfers yesterday. There is so much to it. And pros and cons to each. I definitely read a lot of interesting information. It saddens me somehow to have read that making it from 3 day embies to blasts is a very difficult transformation and only a third of embies typically make it. I could not help to wonder what they are all doing right now and how tough of a day it is for them, and the fact that many may not be there tomorrow. Why am I so attached? I am so looney.

Aside of that, I’ve just felt ansy. But not about the transfer itself really, nor about the news tomorrow. Its been more to do with the fact that during the process, although we had decided not to tell anyone, I did sort of hint about it to some key people in the end simply because it was too exciting, too nervewracking and too big to say nothing about, and I figured if it all fails, I’ll need all the support I can get. But now, sometimes, it is impossible not to wish at times that noone was “in the know” that DH and I were making a baby except him and me. It feels like such private information and I am such a private person. Haha, don’t get me wrong – here I am writing all about it in grand detail on the internet. But somehow it feels TOTALLY different sharing it with the wonderful women who are going through similar things, or people who know or wish to learn what I am going through. Family members and friends are a different animal. They of course can’t wait to be in on the happy news that you are “pregnant” and have wanted this for a long time. But the way you are making the baby is an intriguing and totally complex thing to them and sometimes that is of no help. 

It is strange how I’m perfectly OK talking about some vague details when I am in the mood, or initiating a conversation on that topic. But the moment you ask me “how it is going” or ask a question about information I may not wish to reveal, it completely SUX, and I feel violated and defensive. The worst is any kind of advice. How dare they advise me on a thing. I know they mean well, and yet until they have personally gone through this completely unique experience, any kind of advice is totally unappreciated, if not darn right irritating.  Don’t tell me how I’m supposed to feel, or what they believe my attitude should be in such and such a situation. Its a weird thing – I don’t want to alienate anyone by barking out something really mean to shut the lid once and for all – because if I end up with happy news to share after its all over, I’d WANT that friendly excitement and genuine happiness, and I don’t want to alienate anyone. At the same time, I don’t want to feel like I’m in a glass bowl under observation. What we are going through with DH is still highly personal between just him and me, dammit. And it is strange how the most innocent comment or remark, can suddenly make me feel infuriated and defensive.

I guess somewhere in my subconcience, I don’t want anyone in my life to feel like we “all made this baby” (if there is one in the end). Or feel that they have a right to think that “had I done things they way they recommended” I might not have ended up with a BFN. (if the cycle fails). I only want to talk about it when I want to, if I want to. But I still need that massive stone wall that separates “them” from me and DH and what is happening in OUR lives.
Like when making a remark that we’re thinking about whether to transfer 2 or 1, I DON’T want to hear the phrase

“hmmm, I don’t really even know how to advise you on that”.  

I am not ASKING for advice!!!

OK, maybe I am just being so hormonal. When I got pregnant, (in that pregnancy that was misfortuned to miscarry), of course soon after we found out, I could not keep the secret to myself for too long. I was like a bubble bursting to open. I didn’t want to tell EVERYbody – just some key people closest to me. How could I not??! I was SO excited inside!!!! So after a couple of days those key people were told. And that same day I suddenly started regretting that the news was not just “mine and DH’s” for a while longer. My mom (one of the “key people” I told) in her immense excitement TOTALLY took over. She wanted to tell me everything about her being pregnant with me, and it was almost as if she could not calm down until she relived her entire pregnancy. There was joy and excitement and everyone was thrilled! But somehow I was also feeling terribly violated – like my news was not just “my own” anymore, but for everyone to share. And instead of being able to live through my own emotions and feelings as they came, I was being bombarded with “advice” out the ying yang.  I didn’t like that.

Maybe part of me is apprehensive because I don’t want to feel that way again. My personal story is incredibly unique, just like every woman’s who ever embarks on having kids. And no-one – especially someone who never experienced IF, should tell me how I am supposed to feel, or what kind of emotions I am supposed to have. If I am paranoid, I have a RIGHT to be. Its one thing to comfort me and tell me you are sure everything will be OK. Its another to tell me I am not supposed to feel that cause that can only jinx things, and try to preach to me the attitude I’m supposed to have – especially in reference to “successful fertiles”.

This is an amazing thing, and I never thought I would say it, but I am PROUD that my journey has been exactly what it is, and that I get to be part of that small and wonderful group of infinately courageous women who have had a battle surviving TTC. I don’t think I want to belong to the fertile world again. We, the women dealing with this, have our own way of making babies and making miracles come true and dealing with it when they don’t. Whether going through IUIs or IVFs or BFNs or tears or thrills, this is OUR way. I simply do not want advice from a fertile. Even if that is my own mom. How strange. But I don’t. There is a world I belong to that a fertile would not understand. And I am very happy to just leave it that way and not have anyone barge into this very private world.

I guess I have said enough words, and somehow it feels better to write it all down. In the end, I know everyone means well and wants me to be successful. And I’ve got to turn my mind off of all the external factors and only think about what is important right now. Having the best day possible tomorrow, hopefully some good news, and most of all a smooth transfer.

I pray to God… that He will be in control.   

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Day by Day, Emotions & Feelings.

Day 50 (cycle day 22) – Embie Update!! Day 52 (cycle day 24) – My transfer!!!

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Josie  |  November 13, 2006 at 8:16 am

    Sorry to hear you have so much angst, although it is perfectly normal. Mothers can be tough. When my mom found out we were having a hard time ttc she said: “oh, I wish that would have been my problem”. After getting frusterated with women who get pg so easily she actually told me that I should understand that it is difficult for them also becasue they too have little control. yup – I don’t know what goes through their heads and I will NOT turn into my mother.

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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