Day 56 (cycle day 28) – cramping and doubting

November 17, 2006 at 8:16 pm 1 comment

I’ve been having mild AF-ish like cramps all day and have been battling my inner negative emotions. I’ve researched cramps during 2ww all I can, and it sux how it either means bad news or good news – so how does that tell you anything? I wish I didn’t have them though. Its just more cause to worry. And feel negative for me, that I will end up the way I always do at the end of the month.

IVF is like a whirlwind that lift you up so high – you’re doing all these crazy high-tech wild things and somewhere in there you want to believe that if you are doing all this, and especially if there have been no major obstacles, then maybe just maybe you actually have a shot at success. Everything is new and different, and maybe your outcome will be too! But then during the 2ww at least for me, suddenly the dust settles. retrievals and transfers and embie reports are over with and suddenly that feels like its in your distant past. I am almost glad I have the PIO shots to hold on to. And suddenly, with life so back to normal, you start wondering why you should even hope that your outcome will be any different from what it normally is.

I feel those familiar AF-like cramps and I am just holding my breath inside, and fearing the worst. Since nothing was discovered as a major problem during IVF, perhaps our problem is on the other side of fertilization? Who knows. All I know is that I’m fighting so hard to feel positive right now. But its hard. I’m lamenting that I didn’t take my second embie as a backup in a way. Maybe I’d have had more confidence that way?

I don’t know, I just miss that day of laying on the couch and not moving and knowing my embie had just been put in there and had been shown to be thriving excellently just that morning. I miss those feelings of sheer shock and excitement of feeling “parents” to 15 thriving embies. I miss the updates from the lab. It was so exciting that they were there and being taken good care of. And now? Now its just me back to feeling like regular me right before a period. After all I had some pretty stellar IUIs that ended in huge BFNs too. Why am I feeling so negative and preliminarily scared?

I don’t know 😦 Have I completely lost trust in my own body? Maybe a year and a half of failing at having a child does that to you. Its funny what as little as a week does. Less than a week ago, after our 3 day report I was extatic and hopeful. It was one of the best days in this process for me. Now I’m back to feeling like crap. Back to feeling that I will be delt the card I always have been. And that it will only hurt that much more because I only took one embie.

I know that my final answer is not too far off. In a week from today I’ll already know my outcome, and either be singing from the rooftops or… I don’t know. If my cycle would fail, even with a stellar embie, what would I dare hope for? That something could be done differently to make it better?

I know I will know soon enough how the story ends after 2 crazy months of my IVF story.. and as I approach the end I dread it. What awaits? After all the shots and all the procedures and all the ups and downs and fears and thrills – how does it all end?

 I guess I’ll ponder over this (or not) as I go get my PIO shot. I slipped out of work today to go to the docs office so that the nurse could re-draw my circles that have seriously faded/vanished. She wished me a happy Thanksgiving after she was done, and I told her I’ll be back before then for beta. I guess I will know soon enough whether Thanksgiving will be happy or not.

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Day by Day.

Should I do shared risk? (Pros and cons for IVF ers) Day 57 (cycle day 29) – Wishing for symptoms.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Lut C.  |  November 18, 2006 at 6:13 am

    It’s hard not to obsess about it. The cramps don’t mean a thing in one direction or the other.

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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