Day 57 (cycle day 29) – Wishing for symptoms.

November 18, 2006 at 8:18 pm 4 comments

I wish I was one of those lucky women who comes out with a blazing BFP or massive pregnancy symptoms on 5dp5dt and has reason to begin to believe her cycle turned out.

I have been horribly negative today. Because I feel NOTHING. If anything, my mild pre-AF-like cramps have been freaking me out because they feel EXACTLY like the way I always do before AF.

I slept in as late as I could today and have been down, depressed, and extremely weepy. Why can’t I have even a single sign?

Even though here I am sitting at a supposedly 70% chance of succeeding I feel no different from an IUI cycle, or even a natural cycle. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. DId I not just go through IVF after all? Why can’t I feel in the least positive?!

Instead I keep thinking about what a blow it would be if the final toll rings and its a bust. The dreaded fear of having failed, even with absolutely NOTHING that could have turned out better with the embies, right before Chirstmas and Thanksgiving, still looms. How would I survive that.

Honestly, I’d have felt a lot better if I did feel at least SOMEthing. Anything. Instead my boobs feel a whole lot less sore and I am cramping just like the way I do before AF. When I did get pregnant, I know there was at least some very definite different things I felt. Like I felt a certain inner heat (even without being on progesterone). I felt different. Right now, even with BEING on progesterone I don’t even feel the side effects of that!!

I was doing a little shopping and watching how everyone and everything is getting ready for the holidays. Everything made me want to bawl. Kids and babies everywhere. A week ago I felt that DH and I were parents to 15 embies. Today I’m back to feeling that nothing will happen.

I know I need to do SOMEthing to shake off this negative feeling. My cycle isn’t over yet and I’m already thinking funerals. And yet its so hard. When there doesn’t feel to be not even a tiny sign…. of hope.  

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Day by Day.

Day 56 (cycle day 28) – cramping and doubting Tag, I’m it. (5 things about me)

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Heather  |  November 18, 2006 at 9:03 pm

    I know how easy it feels to have that negative feeling – to want to feel anything at all during that 2ww. And then to see all those kids and babies while you’re feeling that way just makes things feel worse. I hope and pray that your lack of symptoms is not because you aren’t getting a BFP, but just that those symptoms haven’t shown up yet. Good luck!

    Reply
  • 2. Lut C.  |  November 19, 2006 at 7:45 am

    Blame it on the hormones! There’s enough of them going around in you to make you feel all over the place. Hang in there.

    Reply
  • 3. beckyZ  |  November 20, 2006 at 10:23 am

    I entirely agree-if it makes you feel any better,my symptoms, if you will call them that, are acting like yours, and I just read a blog from someone who also described stuff similar to ours, and she’s got a BFP– hang in there!

    Reply
  • 4. beckyZ  |  November 20, 2006 at 10:23 am

    I entirely agree-if it makes you feel any better,my symptoms, if you will call them that, are acting like yours, and I just read a blog from someone who also described stuff similar to ours, and she’s got a BFP– hang in there!

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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