Day 58 (cycle day 30) – Confessions…

November 19, 2006 at 10:11 pm 3 comments

I have some confessions to make. Yesterday in the midst of cramping and crying about what I felt was inevitable, I decided I need all the time I can have to prepare myself for the worst. Which meant, I needed to do it slowly over the weekend in order to not have the bomb dropped on me in the middle of my work week.

I broke out the pee sticks and starting peeing. Yesterday was 5dp5dt. So it was not a surprise when I got a negative in the morning. I knew it could be early, and yet I knew that some women would get BFPs that day. I had read that most of them who would see it that early would be expecting multiples (which was kind of out of the question for me, having taken only one embie), but still, I needed to feel like I am getting used to seeing that BFN. Because I could not handle being told over a cold telephone call in the middle of work.

The question is how crazy can one get?

I always have been reasonable about days on which I would start testing. Yesterday was technically only 10dpo. I would not even dream of testing then usually. But this was not “usually”. This was IVF! And by Jove, if we had spent 7K plus on this cycle, suddenly pee sticks started seeming pretty cheap in comparison.

By night time I had already suffered through a good chunk of feelings of the outcome a  negative cycle. But obviously I wanted to suffer some more, because I decided I’d pee again.

I was about to cry again over my negative result, until I thought I saw the faintest shadow of .. uh.. something. It wasn’t anything remotely one could call a line yet. In fact, I say that only in hind sight. Cause I completely took it as a negative at the time and continued crying. I fell asleep listening to my Anji CD. It played over and over in my ears.

Then this morning… somewhere at an insane hour of the night, I broke open another pack of pee sticks. 6dp5dt afterall. Time to check again.

I scrutinized the test so closely as it began to form that my eyes could have been microscopes. And then I was prepared to bawl over a snow white negative again until I saw something…. something like a faint… FAINT line.

I bawled anyway. I’ve already had false positives in the past and fake faint lines that only tortured me. Obviously I was to be tortured on this crucial cycle too.

But the pee fest was not over. For in a few hours I took another test.
I don’t really remember how many I took. But at least 2 or 3. I kept hiding the pee sticks from my husband. I have a closet full of them and I knew he’d freak if he saw how many times I was testing, like a mad woman.

Each time though I was getting some sort of faint line. But never dark enough to remove the doubt.

Then I decided to get scientific. I got all my equipment together – my stop watch, my cup and my pee stick. I followed directions to the tee. And as soon as the clock struck 2 minutes I started scrutinizing the result. Somehow there was no doubt. There was a line. Faint and shadowy, but there was A LINE. I was not crazy. Well.. maybe I was.

Because I grabbed another test. I had tested with a FRED – or rather a FRER – I can’t find a test that says “First response early detection” – only a “First response early result”. Maybe they renamed them?
The last time I was pregnant, I knew I didn’t really like this test. Because at the time when it was giving me doubtful lines at best, E.P.T was giving me solid and clear lines – actual BFPs.

So of course I had to pull out my favorite brand.

The line formed before the 2 minute mark. shadowy and faint, but a lot clearer. I could see it without having to “pretend” to see it.

I ran outside, in a quick decision to examine it under natural light. It was still there. Back in, back out. My husband didn’t know what was going on – he probably thought the hormones were really kicking in and making me completely loopy. But I was on a mission.

I had to make SURE, all in the alloted 10 minute mark.

My time was quickly running out so I wisely grabbed a camera and clicked a few times. This way, even after my 10 minutes were up, I could still analyze the picture, see?

I don’t recall ever being so nuts. In this entire process, this was certainly the culmination point.

But after that last click… I had to admit it. The test was positive.

So here I am. Actually several positive tests later. But honestly…. I don’t really feel anything massive – other than my nerves being a little calmer. I still really can’t believe I could conceivably be pregnant. There is an embie in there, so sure, its producing hcg – but does that actually mean I’m pregnant. Nah….! That’s not possible.

The only one thing is that my torture session was over for at least the current day, and I turned from clinically depressed to cautiously optimistic.

I’m back to one day at a time. Just one little breath at a time. 
And somehow nothing feels like it means anything at all.. until that beta Tuesday.

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Day by Day.

Tag, I’m it. (5 things about me) Day 59 (cycle day 31) – The digital test

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. BeckyZ  |  November 20, 2006 at 9:22 pm

    YOU’RE CRAZY!!!! LOL!

    I think that’s another sign you’re pg 😉

    And dangit–you almost made me wig out and get one.

    Reply
  • 2. Jess  |  November 20, 2006 at 9:34 pm

    Congrats! And I totally know how you feel. (I am at the point now where I’m on the verge of bankrupting myself buying pee sticks and trying to make sure that they keep getting DARKER instead of lighter…)

    Reply
  • 3. Heather  |  November 20, 2006 at 10:36 pm

    That is a lot of pee sticks – but I completely understand wanting to do that. I am so happy that you are seeing positive after positive!

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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