Day 59 (cycle day 31) – The digital test

November 20, 2006 at 8:24 pm 5 comments

In spite of amassing a horde of tests with lines and running out of places to hide them I still have not quite been able to believe anything concrete.

I did show my convincingly positive test to hubby yesterday, after I had hugged him in wonder at some point (some point after my indoor-outdoor loopiness) and told him “we have a baby on the way”. He could definitely see the line as well, but being the calm rational one (not to mention, not knowing how many tests I’d gone through) he advised that we should take this as a good sign but not anything official until beta.

So today we decided to take the digital test together in the evening. Once again, not as anything concrete, but as a way of preparing ourselves for the ultimate outcome. I did have a Clearblue digital stashed away from a past cycle and we figured now is the time to use it, since it will be pointless after beta.

I cautiously reviewed the amount of hcg that a digital measures. I knew its much less sensitive than the other tests and I was a little scared. What if it said “not pregnant”. My heart would break even if I were. It wasn’t the day of my missed period afterall, I’m technically still two days early.

We read the instructions and took the test carefully. My heart was beating like a drum the entire time it took its sweet time to blink while analyzing the results. My nails dug into my husbands hand from anticipantion. And then the words formed.

PREGNANT.

Wow, I actually think that I might be pregnant.
Even though it is ludicrous to not believe it at least remotely this point, beta is still our “official day”. We’ll just take it that we’ve had ample warning. We know we know… and yet we’ll reserve any serious emotions until we actually… KNOW.

It is so strange how different my feelings are from the last time around. The last time I found out I was pregnant it was 2 days before confirmation by a doctor too. But I felt like screaming from the rooftops and I felt mysteriously happy and elated and just magical. THis time….. I don’t know why I am so numb. All the tests have done, is helped me stay calm.

Here I am on the verge of my dearest dream looking like it just may finally start coming true. And I feel nothingness.

I do hope that at some point, (maybe after beta?) I might start to feel that joy again.

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Entry filed under: Day by Day.

Day 58 (cycle day 30) – Confessions… Day 60 (cycle day 32) – The day of Beta

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Leslie  |  November 21, 2006 at 7:49 am

    Here you are…holding out on us?? I am going to PM you because what I want to say I can’t say it here for the world to see.

    Reply
  • 2. Heather (owasco)  |  November 21, 2006 at 8:50 am

    Just following your progress and am getting excited for you. Just a word of caution, from someone who just went through this- I was so happy the first few days after the beta, and then the old feelings of worry returned (somehow I thought that would all disappear after the BFP!) Even now, at 18 weeks, I still worry now and then. One person on the boards helped me put it in perspective- she said you never stop worrying, even after they leave for college! That being said, I am so excited for you!!!!! Good luck on your beta day. Heather

    Reply
  • 3. hopefulmother  |  November 21, 2006 at 10:38 am

    A cautious congratulations to you!

    Reply
  • 4. Josie  |  November 21, 2006 at 12:38 pm

    Good for you! When I was pg a fews years back there was a faint line, but it was a definite line and not an evaporation line.

    Let us know how it all works out!

    Reply
  • 5. beckyZ  |  November 21, 2006 at 2:15 pm

    I’m guessing you’re numb because you realize that a positive test is yet one more step out of a litany of them…a very, very big step but not the last, unfortunatly…

    Still, it deserves a party!!!! I’d say you’re definitely PG! Congrats!

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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