Day 60 (cycle day 32) – The day of Beta

November 21, 2006 at 11:07 pm 5 comments

And 60 days later… finally after 2 months since I embarked on this journey, it is confirmed. I am pregnant.

My beta today at 8dp5dt (13dpo) came back at 50. It’s kind of an early beta (I guess they scheduled me in early because of the holidays) and they were looking for a reading above 25. They called me at about 2:30 with their congratulatory call. I am now to go back on Monday to see the number rise.

In the mean time I am to continue progesterone, my aspirin, and no exercising, running, weight lifting and the rest.

The good thing is that the nurse said I can stop monitoring my weight cause if I haven’t developed OHSS by now, I’m out of the woods.

This evening I decorated the house with pink and blue balloons as a surprise for DH. I wrote something on each balloon – “I’m pregnant!!”, “It’s official”, “We’re expecting!!” and the like.

I was so temped to write on each balloon “for now”, or “one day at a time” or something else that’s precautionary, but I didn’t. Is this what I would want to remember if all goes well after all? And if it doesn’t, would it matter whether I wrote precautionary words or not?

DH arrived with a surprise of his own – a rose and a card for me. He had been pretty confident that it would be good news and wanted to give me something special for that moment.

So it is official… I’m pregnant… again.

Now for the hard part – my feelings. This is the time period my ill-fated baby would have been due. And for all these months.. all I had been doing was literally surviving. Day by day. Living for the day the nightmare would end. Wondering if it would end too late… at a time when I would no longer feel anymore period. Or maybe it would never end at all.

Who knows afterall, what I would be writing to this blog a week from today. (Should things do go well, I will only take this blog to the point of hearing a heartbeat, and then maybe start a separate one out of respect to those who are still trying to ttc – believe me, I know the last thing you care to hear about is someone’s pregnancy.)

But the key is who knows. I’ve been here before. At this very stage. And I guess the one thing I was totally unprepared for is just how little I would feel, being here again. Oh I knew that I would feel different. Just not THIS different.

It had become a furious quest to survive just getting to this point. And one thing I had never even fathomed is how IVF became a journey in itself. It was almost like a separate side story. It was no longer about a bouncing baby and being parents or any of what TTC starts out to be. It was becoming at times, just about getting to the starting line. Getting past stimming, past retrieval, past embie updates, past transfer… all these goals to make it to the “end” was a fierce journey in itself. So IVF ends.. and then (if successful) you actually face pregnancy – a totally new and different ballgame.

And I have to admit IVF was fun. Thrilling, scary, nerve-wracking, gut-wrenching, but somehow wondrous and amazing fun. That was one thing I had never expected. In hindsight in fact, IVF was nothing like my preconcieved notions. It was almost as thrilling as the pregnancy it tried to achieve.

But being pregnant… at least so far… feels nothing like it should. My first BFP, even though I was aware of how I could miscarry and risks and all – still. the birds were chirping and the clouds were bright. I felt so incredibly special and on top of the world. Even though I had waited a LONG time for that first BFP and was weary of the journey already, still, that BFP was everything I had dreamed it to be. And worth every minute of that wait.

Now, not so. I’m pregnant, I know it…. but I don’t really feel much. No birds chirped and no flowers bloomed.
And I realize… its not because I’m being scared it would end like the first time. Some of that is always present of course… but I’m not as excited, not because I’m scared to be, lest it all gets taken away from me. It’s more because…. I’m worn out. I am truly terribly worn out. This journey getting here (and not IVF, but the horrible, traumatically depressing months that preceded it) truly wore me out. And to be honest, I feel like I’ve gone through a thousand pregnancies. Everyone but my own.
I watched all my friends laugh and cry out in wonder during their sonograms and their doc’s appointments and find out whether they were having girls and boys, all the while after having lost my own, and suffering bitterly in silence, each month only hoping that I would be able to get back what I had lost. I’ve heard my coworkers talk about their new babies, and seen them pregnant around me every day. I’ve tolerated every single thing that was so traumatizing and brutal while hoping and wishing and waiting my turn, which I felt was so unfairly past due.

And more than anything, I’ve also watched women, friends, buddies who I felt DESERVED pregnancies more than I could ever express, be cheated out of them over and over again. My heart cried every time a fellow buddy got robbed.

I guess the whole world just became so unfair, that now that I’m “pregnant”, it doesn’t make it rosy. I am quietly mourning not being able to feel the way I had dreamt to feel, and still hope it would come. Just the way I hope it would for EVERY woman out there that DESERVES her turn a thousand times over. And deserves to be a mom more than words can express. It is my dream that NONE of us… get doubly robbed by not only going through IF to begin with, but also not being able to enjoy things ten-fold when we finally do get that chance.

I hope that just for a while… I would be able to feel happy and lucky and carefree. I will hang on to those moments whenever I can, and hope that they do come. For now… I guess the best analogy, is that I feel like an overgrown kid, who finally got to see Santa Claus when they were 90. In many ways… this point of my journey is only serving to keep me away from being utterly devastated and dissappointed this Thanksgiving. But I’m not exactly singing from any rooftops yet….

Maybe…and hopefully… that point will come, and I will. In which case, any of you that are unfairly behind me, feel free to shut me up and move me to the other side of the fence and onto a bonified pregnancy blog. Hopefully we’ll all be on that side together sometime soon.

So its day 60… and I’m at the point I’d dreamt to be for today. But it will still take some time to sink in. For now I’ll just be thankful, this thanksgiving… for this blessing I dont even feel that deserving of, when I look at some other stories.

And yet when I think of so many others… the millions of others… who get to enjoy that magical first pregnancy… I can only hope, that maybe… and hopefully… and God willingly … this would be the beginning of my turn.

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Entry filed under: Day by Day.

Day 59 (cycle day 31) – The digital test Day 61 (14dpo) – obsessing betas.

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. beckyZ  |  November 22, 2006 at 8:35 am

    Congratulations!!!!!

    I identify with your feelings, but would ask that you don’t create a separate blog when you have decided that you’re definitely pg and it’s sticking. Why? This is the only way that I have found that I can read about and support other people’s pgs. I can avoid when I need to, and read when I’m in a good mood. I’m addicted, strangely, to IF blogs when they’re pg. I guess I like to live vicariously through them, and it gives me hope.

    For now, though, celebrate your BFP as much as possible, and enjoy every pg day you get, whether it be 8 days or 8 months more….this is hard won, and you deserve it, girl!

    Reply
  • 2. Heather  |  November 22, 2006 at 9:55 am

    Congratulations!!!

    I completely understand those feelings. After getting pregnant with IVF and going through infertility to begin with, I’m having a hard time just being excited about this pregnancy because I worry about things that could go wrong. Sometimes it feels others are more excited than I am. Take care, and you do deserve this BFP!

    Reply
  • 3. hopefulmother  |  November 22, 2006 at 10:29 am

    Congratulations!

    I’m with BeckyZ – please don’t start a new blog – keep this one going. I need to see your positive results!

    Reply
  • 4. My Reality  |  November 22, 2006 at 2:35 pm

    Congrats! I hope that things continue to go well with this pregnancy. And I agree, don’t start a new blog, we need to hear the positive outcomes.

    Reply
  • 5. Inglewood  |  November 22, 2006 at 5:28 pm

    Congrats, love the way you told your hubby, now can you get your hubby to talk to mine about gifts & flowers and stuff????

    For me the infertile, now pregnant blogs helped me when my hope was fading, just to let you know.

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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