Day 61 (14dpo) – obsessing betas.

November 22, 2006 at 8:27 pm 1 comment

OK, I’ve changed my title to hopefully something more easy to comprehend (even for me). Somehow after ovulation, you count DPO, not really cycle days. I might go back and change my other headings.

First of all, thanks so much for the positive responses to my previous post – I’d comment there, but I figure once I make a new post, maybe the previous comments won’t be read.

I do want to make anyone reading aware that if you are in any way offended at someone not being “happy” enough to actually have a BFP, that I can understand such things, and my idea to switching to a pregnancy blog if (hopefully!!) all goes well from here was to not whine about pregnancy stuff while too many others are still in TTC hell. I wasn’t meaning to vanish – only to have a separate blog that any of the readers here could link to if they “wished” to hear about that.

But…. too early for all that now. Somehow with a beta of 50, I don’t exactly feel too terribly out of the TTC woods just yet.

A lot of today I spent researching betas. I know, I know… beta hell is the worst. And I thought I’d learnt my lesson the last time. And yet, I couldnt help but feel that I’d have felt so much better if the number had been higher. I defintely feel on the low end of betas from everything I’ve read.

I wish that you had a positive pregnancy test and that was that. I wish you could already talk names and nursery decorations at this point. Instead I find myself almost cringing when DH says the word “baby” in a sweet future reference. I keep reminding him that right now I do feel so much safer using the word “embie”. The funny thing is that from an emotional stand point, it almost makes no difference to me. I’m just as in love with my EMBIE. And while I’m happy to be exactly where I’m at today, I can’t really look past today – not just yet.

That’s not to say DH isn’t cautious himself. I know that deep inside we both want to see more progress before jumping through the roof just yet.

Unlike with my previous pregnancy I also have not had the desire to tell a single soul. The last time around, it was almost spilling out of me – heck, I wanted to tell the person in the grocery store. This time, I feel completely safe and secure keeping this fragile news to myself. I was even feeling self consious when buying a book “how to make a pregnant woman happy” for my DH today (he expressed desire for such material). Would the clerk suspect I’m pregnant?! I hope not!!
In fact, I don’t even think about it 24-7 the way I did the last time. Yes I have been thinking betas and researching stats, but hardly really thinking about the fact that “I’m pregnant” all day.

All in all though, I feel good about the way I feel now. I somehow feel calm and rational and mature about it all. I don’t feel like I am jumping the gun, and I figure if all goes well, I’ll have plenty of time to enjoy each moment for what it is. I will be happy to rejoice at every milestone and not look past that. And that’s OK. In a way (and IVF taught me this), each milestone, even when it happens BEFORE conception, can be a precious moment in itself. Getting ahead of myself and excitedly pondering whether the baby’s eyes would be brown or blue at this stage, is kind of analogous to dreaming about your teen’s big prom night when they are only 2 years old.

I’m happy I’m at this stage and in a way thankful almost that my next beta is not until Monday. The last time around, going in for betas every other day made obsessing over the phone call that day so stressful, that I forever developed a phobia for awaiting those calls.
I’m just going to enjoy Thanksgiving and be thankful for the point I’m at today.

And keep praying that my little embie is hanging on.

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Day by Day.

Day 60 (cycle day 32) – The day of Beta Thanksgiving Day, 15dpo – Thankful.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Josie  |  November 24, 2006 at 1:57 pm

    Unfortunately, with IF you never get out of the woods entirely.

    Don’t worry about talking about betas and pg stuff – it is your blog and we all want to be “there” some day. If we are not up to reading it we won’t, but like me today, in a much better mood than last, I am able to come back to your site and stay awhile because I am in a “good” mood.

    When I was pg 2 years ago, I wanted to tell the whole world our good news. I know when I get there again I may not even want to tell DH. Once you say it you can’t take it back. And for those of us who have experienced a loss, sometimes all you want to do is pretend nothing ever happened. I think this is all normal, but it is sadly a side effect of infertility.

    Hang in there!

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2006
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