Archive for June, 2007

35 weeks…. and counting.

Once again a long lapse between updates. But don’t want to go too long. I am 35 weeks now as of yesterday¬†– so unbelievably close. The baby is huge and so are the movements HUGE – even painful at times. It is so weird to see all the lumps and bumps as it shifts and turns and kicks and explores in there. Active ALL the time – while I’m working, while I’m driving, while I’m watching TV, while I’m eating – I wonder if the little one ever sleeps! We’ve been managing to knock out a lot of the preparation stuff, but with time literally evaporating from under us, it still seems like we are never quite where we should be at this point.

We did complete a ton of baby classes – from lamaze to breast-feeding to baby care and CPR and a lot of it was great information, which wil be helpful I think. I’ve certainly become so much more educated about the world of babies in the last few months than I ever was. As the day approaches I am becoming terribly excited, especially as we still do not know boy or girl – it has been really incredible to wonder, and its been so fun with tons of people guessing and changing their minds and wondering with us. One thing is for sure – whether boy or girl, I am so in love with this baby and my instinct of protectiveness over it have become so fierce that sometimes I have to ask myself whether I am being reasonable or whether I’m just building a fantasy in my head about the relationship between us. It helps sometimes to rationalize that it is another individual who will one day grow up into an adult human that leaves home, and will never in its life even remember this time between us, and probably cringe the way I do when my own mother tries to “go back there” and talk about a time with me that I cannot even remember. But on the other hand, I do know that for now and in this moment, this baby needs me – to survive and to thrive, whether it will remember it or not, and that I have to do the very best I can to meet these needs.

For now it is so easy, the baby is inside and my body is just doing it magically. But just in a few weeks, this baby will enter the outside world, and from that moment I will need to make a 1000 decisions that would impact it’s welfare every day. Some of those I am already having to think about now – like circumcision – would we do it if it is a boy? I recently researched the subject extensively, and was surprised at how little I actually KNEW on this issue. I had told my husband that its his decision to make, but after having researched and learned so much on it myself, I feel like I should have a say – like any responsible mother should. Especially since my in-law side is seemingly trying to have a say by expressing their firm views on this with him. But I have learned that some views can be very outdated, and after all the information I read and after having seen some videos of the procedure, I suddenly could not imagine doing this to this little baby that was playing and kicking inside me so innocently, without ever giving them the choice in their life to decide about it for themselves.

I heard the fierce argument from my in-law side that the procedure is so painful later in life, while a “baby” will not remember. But after everything I have personally been through, I can say a lot about pain. I went through so much just to HAVE this baby. And one thing I have learnt is that no amount of pain will stop someone when they have made a choice to do something for a personal reason. That CHOICE is what is important. And the pain fades away, as YOUR choice and decisions are realized. I want my baby – this little individual – to have these choices. And not make them for it. And any pain associated with a procedure in making such a choice (THEIR choice) later in life, I know they will live through no different than I lived through my own.

I know there will be so many other decisions and choices I will need to make, but I think I will always try… to make them on behalf of this baby, and not on my personal behalf, until they are old enough and strong enough to have a voice and strength of their own. For now, my job is to protect their interest and help them get there. Just like I respected this precious life from the point of an embryo and did all I could to see it through so that it thrives, I want to continue to do so, until it can truly stand on its own. I think I have been realizing that this is not a life that was created FOR me, and for my personal pleasure – but rather a life that was given to me – to be placed in my care until it can be strong enough to finally live on its own – and this gift of trust is so precious, that I want to do everything I can to do the best job I can do to see it through. Not just from embryo to baby. But well beyond.

I cant wait to meet this little life outside the womb – although I feel so close to it already. And now its just about a month to go. I will probably miss being pregnant, for all its woes – but it almost feels strange to think I won’t be any more, when I have been this entire year so far and beyond. I try not to mind the heavy tummy, the heat, the inability to run around or bend down with the ease I always did – and instead simply enjoy the last few weeks of this. To try to remember what it feels like to have this little human inside, because who knows if I’ll ever experience it again. And just like I am having to say goodbye to the “honeymoon” of just DH and me, I am trying to slowly start to say goodbye to this journey of pregnancy. The count-down now to birth… is truly began.

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June 28, 2007 at 10:36 am 8 comments


Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
June 2007
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