Archive for November, 2007

The Little Embie that could…

I realized something today. Because we transferred only one embie, I can actually and conclusively say, looking at the photo I have, that this is a photo of my little baby taken when she was a 5 day old embie – which was exactly a year ago today.

I could probably show her this photo one day someday and tell her, this was you at 5 days since your creation, before I even became pregnant with you. Mindboggling.

Sometimes.. you don’t know what to do with some kind of knowledge or information. Its almost as if it is too much for a human brain to even process.

But the one thing I do know is that a year ago today, this little embie had already separated herself from the rest of the pack and was destined to become the little baby I have in my arms today. It is amazing the fantastic journey she has made.
And looking at that photo is surreal… knowing that this is what she was a year ago.. and here she is now… with little lips that smile so disarmingly, and the cutest nose, vocal chords that coo, and eyes that stare right into mine, all perfect right to those tiny eyelashes.  My sense of awe at human life, and also simply at what seems to be the most incredible organ ever – the uterus, that can take an embie on this journey to let it become an incredible little human – is just impossible to describe.

I’ve been trying to create a year book for my little one as I have time – starting on it that is. All her firsts and that kind of thing. Part of me knows in my heart today that her journey is already a year old, even though she is now only a 3.5 month old baby. And that this most incredible, most mind-boggling part of it, is something that isn’t really documented.

There is a place in the book for a photograph of “mommy’s and daddy’s first glimple of me” – and of course it says to insert a sonogram photo and list number of weeks. Wow. I know that what SHOULD go there really… is my photo of her a year to date… as an embie. That’s when we first “saw” her. But I know it is probably a photo we will keep in private to give to her one day – and not put on public display in a public book.

I read my post a year ago today too. Once again, so many details I would never have remembered.  And today.. once again it really is hard to think of the others.  I realize that embies are not babies yet. But already a year ago I was so attached to all of them. It hurts to think that a year ago all 15 were still alive. How many “could” have made it? We will never know of course.. and only 6 remain waiting with an undecided fate just yet. I simply have to believe that the 8 that didn’t make it to freezing could not have lived. That’s the crazy part of this IVF process – you get to see things you never would have in nature. I mean, we tried for 15 months, religeously nailing ovulation all the time – could there have been embies all those times too? That simply didn’t implant or make it? Very possibly. But because that process is a black box, we don’t see that or get attached. We just see the sad BFN and try again.

But when it all does work… and you have this baby that lies there and then you look at a photo of them as an embie, its hard. Makes you want to make sure that each one of such embies is given a chance. I feel as if, who am I to decide such things. It can all make one’s mind  go crazy with philoshopical/emotional/phsycological thoughts.  

When I became pregnant – at the point where I basically joined the stage of the process of anyone else who does – suddenly every mother and mother-to-be in the world could relate to me and I was just another one part of the “normal world”. Part of me didn’t even want to think of the drama and trauma of how long it took and all the things it took before we finally got there. Sadly, I didn’t start this blog until my final leg of the journey. But there were so many months, so many tears, and so little hope some days, that it was without a doubt the toughest time of my life. (And I’ve been through many other sad things).
And when I was finally blessed with this pregnancy, knowing how grateful I was, how appreciatvie, just knowing what a gift it was, I wanted to literally savor every second. I felt like at last my turn had come and I wasn’t going to “waste” it by not appreciating how incredible and miraculous this process is.
It feels as if for a whole year I didn’t really think of the journey before that anymore. But of course today I am back there. Signifying all the year marks of all the events that panned out.

I don’t know what is in store, but now I am realizing that this is still very far from over. I recall wondering whether I should close this blog, since I was suddenly no longer blogging about the issues of TTC but was now one of the “pregnant ones”. But today I realize that I am not really one of those who never have to deal with surviving ttc in the first place. I am only a success story of someone who did, to give hope to others who are still out there, that this success story does happen again and again.

And even so, the story is far from over. I know I have to go back. I made a realization that barring financial difficulty I will not even try to conceive naturally… not until I have given my other embies a chance. And I’m thinking that next year… I will be going back to do just that. At the earliest possible time that I can “conceive” of having another after having this one.

And as I type this, I’m already being called… by my “little one” who was that embie a year ago. Yes… the journey to nurturing this little individual lasts SO much longer than just 9 months…. It arguably only STARTS after nine months.

Which is why of course I know it will demand some serious thinking and praying about when and how to go back for our embies. But I know …. we will.


November 13, 2007 at 3:05 pm 1 comment

A year in existence…

Many people do not know the day their children were conceived. Some can only guess. They might go back thinking to a day in time with their spouse when they “thought” it might have happened – sometimes even being sure. But the truth is one can never be sure. As I’ve learned about ovulation/fertilization – it can happen days later (after the day you thought it did).

Well, we are one of the rare few couples who know the exact day – without doubts. That’s one of the gifts of ART – and that day for us was today, November 8th.
I was thinking about this a lot yesterday, now looking at my precious little girl. It’s a very surreal feeling and hard to process. That a year ago yesterday she did not exist, but a year ago today she did. Her existence literally began, with 14 others – 6 of which are now frozen today, their fate still unknown at this point. Thinking about it is mind-boggling to say the least.
I think going through ART and everything we did, makes me appreciate life on a whole other level.  When does it truly start? I can’t ever say it starts when you are born. Perhaps your life as an individual’s starts. But “life” as in being something living, starts so long before.

For our little girl, I guess I can’t even technically say that she first entered the world the day she was born. WOuld that be correct? Or did she re-enter the world again? (since the first 5 days of her existence she was in it already?)

I’ve found it somewhat hard emotionally to deal with all these thoughts. A year ago, I was extatic and happy – it was an amazing day for me that will always be one of my most incredible memories. The day our baby was conceived.
I recall how a year ago I was a little sad that my husband and I would not be together during conception and then making the realization that technically, we would be (Just that our baby will be conceived without us there). And a year ago that realization seemed to be comforting. But yesterday I was thinking about it all again and somehow feeling a little sad that I wasn’t with her on that day – sentimental and crazy as it seems. For it is actually the mom and baby that are always together on the day of conception – not mom and dad “necessarily”. Anyway – just crazy wild emotional thoughts.
But somehow I just decided to take the day off, to spend with her and to basically spend the day pondering and such. It has been so crazy and hectic and life doesn’t allow for one to stop – so sometimes we just have to make it happen. I wanted a day without the craziness, without the chores, without the to-dos and without the guilt that I’m not doing something massively productive. So I took it off – just as I did a year ago, but for different reasons. Today is just about processing it all emotionally and spending time with my precious baby. How long after all until she isn’t a baby anymore.

A year ago she was just a tiny little speck, today she is a baby, in a year she will be a toddler… and before I know it she will be all grown up. It is fascinating and sad in a sentimental way and just absolutely amazing. I just think about the journey she had made in this last year and it makes me realize that I don’t think a human EVER makes such an incredible transformation and journey as they do that very first year of “existence”. I mean, to go from a tiny little cell, to this now 15 pound baby – all in one year. How incredible. Its hard to wrap your mind around.

And as for me? How am I doing a year later?
Well for starters I’m still about 10lbs over my post-IVF weight 😦 (which was already 10lbs over my pre-IVF weight)… which was already 10lbs over my pre-ttc weight, which was 10 lbs over my ideal weight.. 😐 I don’t even care to go any further…

Secondly I am hosting AF as I’m writing this. How nutty is that. I am breastfeeding exclusively and was hoping that this would curb AF until I’m done – nope. What irony. I’m “fertile” and breastfeeding – and instead of being happy I’m pretty sad somehow. Maybe because AF reminds me of my life before this year. Surviving TTC. Every cycle, a new dissappointment. Or maybe it is because subconciously I don’t want to be fertile. I think about the 6 embies waiting for me. And its heartbreaking. I want to give them all a chance. If I could have all of them I would. I’ve thought about them a lot today and ended up calling our lab to ask on them.

The embryologist I spoke to told me they have a 50-60% success rate per FET cycle, with 40% chance of twins if transferring two. Wow. She said all our frozen embies are rated BBB (the one we transferred who is our little girl today was ABB). She was very excied to learn that we’d had a baby girl and asked about the details for their records.

She is asleep now – a real angel. I cannot imagine life without her. So of course thinking about the other is very hard. And today is a day I think about them too – not just her. So perhaps while their fate is still unknown and it’s too early still to think about (I feel like we JUST had our baby!!) its still a day when I remember it all and how it all happened.

This morning I started by reading my post a year ago (I read it to DH as well). Its amazing how much I had forgotten that I remembered after reading the post – like the dreams I’d had and like how I’d worn blue and pink for an equal chance of both boy and girl 🙂

But one thing I will never forget is that dawn. Driving towards the sunrise and knowing that this would be the day that our baby was conceived. It was.

November 8, 2007 at 2:16 pm 1 comment

Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506

Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2007
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