A year in existence…

November 8, 2007 at 2:16 pm 1 comment

Many people do not know the day their children were conceived. Some can only guess. They might go back thinking to a day in time with their spouse when they “thought” it might have happened – sometimes even being sure. But the truth is one can never be sure. As I’ve learned about ovulation/fertilization – it can happen days later (after the day you thought it did).

Well, we are one of the rare few couples who know the exact day – without doubts. That’s one of the gifts of ART – and that day for us was today, November 8th.
I was thinking about this a lot yesterday, now looking at my precious little girl. It’s a very surreal feeling and hard to process. That a year ago yesterday she did not exist, but a year ago today she did. Her existence literally began, with 14 others – 6 of which are now frozen today, their fate still unknown at this point. Thinking about it is mind-boggling to say the least.
I think going through ART and everything we did, makes me appreciate life on a whole other level.  When does it truly start? I can’t ever say it starts when you are born. Perhaps your life as an individual’s starts. But “life” as in being something living, starts so long before.

For our little girl, I guess I can’t even technically say that she first entered the world the day she was born. WOuld that be correct? Or did she re-enter the world again? (since the first 5 days of her existence she was in it already?)

I’ve found it somewhat hard emotionally to deal with all these thoughts. A year ago, I was extatic and happy – it was an amazing day for me that will always be one of my most incredible memories. The day our baby was conceived.
I recall how a year ago I was a little sad that my husband and I would not be together during conception and then making the realization that technically, we would be (Just that our baby will be conceived without us there). And a year ago that realization seemed to be comforting. But yesterday I was thinking about it all again and somehow feeling a little sad that I wasn’t with her on that day – sentimental and crazy as it seems. For it is actually the mom and baby that are always together on the day of conception – not mom and dad “necessarily”. Anyway – just crazy wild emotional thoughts.
But somehow I just decided to take the day off, to spend with her and to basically spend the day pondering and such. It has been so crazy and hectic and life doesn’t allow for one to stop – so sometimes we just have to make it happen. I wanted a day without the craziness, without the chores, without the to-dos and without the guilt that I’m not doing something massively productive. So I took it off – just as I did a year ago, but for different reasons. Today is just about processing it all emotionally and spending time with my precious baby. How long after all until she isn’t a baby anymore.

A year ago she was just a tiny little speck, today she is a baby, in a year she will be a toddler… and before I know it she will be all grown up. It is fascinating and sad in a sentimental way and just absolutely amazing. I just think about the journey she had made in this last year and it makes me realize that I don’t think a human EVER makes such an incredible transformation and journey as they do that very first year of “existence”. I mean, to go from a tiny little cell, to this now 15 pound baby – all in one year. How incredible. Its hard to wrap your mind around.

And as for me? How am I doing a year later?
Well for starters I’m still about 10lbs over my post-IVF weight 😦 (which was already 10lbs over my pre-IVF weight)… which was already 10lbs over my pre-ttc weight, which was 10 lbs over my ideal weight.. 😐 I don’t even care to go any further…

Secondly I am hosting AF as I’m writing this. How nutty is that. I am breastfeeding exclusively and was hoping that this would curb AF until I’m done – nope. What irony. I’m “fertile” and breastfeeding – and instead of being happy I’m pretty sad somehow. Maybe because AF reminds me of my life before this year. Surviving TTC. Every cycle, a new dissappointment. Or maybe it is because subconciously I don’t want to be fertile. I think about the 6 embies waiting for me. And its heartbreaking. I want to give them all a chance. If I could have all of them I would. I’ve thought about them a lot today and ended up calling our lab to ask on them.

The embryologist I spoke to told me they have a 50-60% success rate per FET cycle, with 40% chance of twins if transferring two. Wow. She said all our frozen embies are rated BBB (the one we transferred who is our little girl today was ABB). She was very excied to learn that we’d had a baby girl and asked about the details for their records.

She is asleep now – a real angel. I cannot imagine life without her. So of course thinking about the other is very hard. And today is a day I think about them too – not just her. So perhaps while their fate is still unknown and it’s too early still to think about (I feel like we JUST had our baby!!) its still a day when I remember it all and how it all happened.

This morning I started by reading my post a year ago (I read it to DH as well). Its amazing how much I had forgotten that I remembered after reading the post – like the dreams I’d had and like how I’d worn blue and pink for an equal chance of both boy and girl 🙂

But one thing I will never forget is that dawn. Driving towards the sunrise and knowing that this would be the day that our baby was conceived. It was.

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Emotions & Feelings, My Story.

One Year Later… The Little Embie that could…

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Lut C.  |  November 10, 2007 at 3:03 pm

    What a beautiful post, and what a difference a year can make.

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2007
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