The Little Embie that could…

November 13, 2007 at 3:05 pm 1 comment

I realized something today. Because we transferred only one embie, I can actually and conclusively say, looking at the photo I have, that this is a photo of my little baby taken when she was a 5 day old embie – which was exactly a year ago today.

I could probably show her this photo one day someday and tell her, this was you at 5 days since your creation, before I even became pregnant with you. Mindboggling.

Sometimes.. you don’t know what to do with some kind of knowledge or information. Its almost as if it is too much for a human brain to even process.

But the one thing I do know is that a year ago today, this little embie had already separated herself from the rest of the pack and was destined to become the little baby I have in my arms today. It is amazing the fantastic journey she has made.
And looking at that photo is surreal… knowing that this is what she was a year ago.. and here she is now… with little lips that smile so disarmingly, and the cutest nose, vocal chords that coo, and eyes that stare right into mine, all perfect right to those tiny eyelashes.  My sense of awe at human life, and also simply at what seems to be the most incredible organ ever – the uterus, that can take an embie on this journey to let it become an incredible little human – is just impossible to describe.

I’ve been trying to create a year book for my little one as I have time – starting on it that is. All her firsts and that kind of thing. Part of me knows in my heart today that her journey is already a year old, even though she is now only a 3.5 month old baby. And that this most incredible, most mind-boggling part of it, is something that isn’t really documented.

There is a place in the book for a photograph of “mommy’s and daddy’s first glimple of me” – and of course it says to insert a sonogram photo and list number of weeks. Wow. I know that what SHOULD go there really… is my photo of her a year to date… as an embie. That’s when we first “saw” her. But I know it is probably a photo we will keep in private to give to her one day – and not put on public display in a public book.

I read my post a year ago today too. Once again, so many details I would never have remembered.  And today.. once again it really is hard to think of the others.  I realize that embies are not babies yet. But already a year ago I was so attached to all of them. It hurts to think that a year ago all 15 were still alive. How many “could” have made it? We will never know of course.. and only 6 remain waiting with an undecided fate just yet. I simply have to believe that the 8 that didn’t make it to freezing could not have lived. That’s the crazy part of this IVF process – you get to see things you never would have in nature. I mean, we tried for 15 months, religeously nailing ovulation all the time – could there have been embies all those times too? That simply didn’t implant or make it? Very possibly. But because that process is a black box, we don’t see that or get attached. We just see the sad BFN and try again.

But when it all does work… and you have this baby that lies there and then you look at a photo of them as an embie, its hard. Makes you want to make sure that each one of such embies is given a chance. I feel as if, who am I to decide such things. It can all make one’s mind  go crazy with philoshopical/emotional/phsycological thoughts.  

When I became pregnant – at the point where I basically joined the stage of the process of anyone else who does – suddenly every mother and mother-to-be in the world could relate to me and I was just another one part of the “normal world”. Part of me didn’t even want to think of the drama and trauma of how long it took and all the things it took before we finally got there. Sadly, I didn’t start this blog until my final leg of the journey. But there were so many months, so many tears, and so little hope some days, that it was without a doubt the toughest time of my life. (And I’ve been through many other sad things).
And when I was finally blessed with this pregnancy, knowing how grateful I was, how appreciatvie, just knowing what a gift it was, I wanted to literally savor every second. I felt like at last my turn had come and I wasn’t going to “waste” it by not appreciating how incredible and miraculous this process is.
It feels as if for a whole year I didn’t really think of the journey before that anymore. But of course today I am back there. Signifying all the year marks of all the events that panned out.

I don’t know what is in store, but now I am realizing that this is still very far from over. I recall wondering whether I should close this blog, since I was suddenly no longer blogging about the issues of TTC but was now one of the “pregnant ones”. But today I realize that I am not really one of those who never have to deal with surviving ttc in the first place. I am only a success story of someone who did, to give hope to others who are still out there, that this success story does happen again and again.

And even so, the story is far from over. I know I have to go back. I made a realization that barring financial difficulty I will not even try to conceive naturally… not until I have given my other embies a chance. And I’m thinking that next year… I will be going back to do just that. At the earliest possible time that I can “conceive” of having another after having this one.

And as I type this, I’m already being called… by my “little one” who was that embie a year ago. Yes… the journey to nurturing this little individual lasts SO much longer than just 9 months…. It arguably only STARTS after nine months.

Which is why of course I know it will demand some serious thinking and praying about when and how to go back for our embies. But I know …. we will.

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Entry filed under: All Posts, Emotions & Feelings, My Story.

A year in existence… From the heartbeating moment to the heart-melting ones…

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Lut C.  |  November 16, 2007 at 6:40 am

    I know how you feel about giving the frozen embryos a chance. It’s a heart over mind thing to me, because in all reason I don’t owe them the chance to implant.

    And that this is only the beginning so true. When I was in the hospital after my C-section, I had one very teary day where all I could thing of was how on earth was I going to do right by this little person I had given birth to.

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2007
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