I cancelled my own cycle…

February 11, 2009 at 11:47 pm 2 comments

Not sure if this is a first in the IF world or not. Like Lut said, probably not. I’ve been meaning to update for a while and might as well do it today, since it is my would-have been transfer day. But yes… I’ve ended up putting it off.

Last week, exactly a week ago I went in for my u/s to evaluate if we can go forward. The day before, I was in emotional hell because I could not decide whether I’m quite ready. There were a thousand reasons to put it off for a little while longer (we are in the middle of a million things right now) plus… I’m still nursing and I couldn’t get a definitive answer on whether it is safe to take the hcg shot while doing so.  And there was only one reason to move forward – the fact that I’d already learned the lesson in the past to forget planning when it comes to TTC.

The clock was ticking away and I was just going back and forth. One minute it was the “just do it” feeling – the other, it was the logical alarm that this may really not be the right time.

I couldn’t decide all night and I couldn’t decide in the morning. I ended up driving to my appointment because I’d ran out of time. DH was with me, and by then I’d driven him crazy with all my “to do or not to do” reasonings. He was OK either way and saw the point either way (that didn’t help)

In the end I saw that if it was that hard to make the decision, it probably meant right there that I wasn’t ready. I decided to do the u/s anyway since I was there in order to at least check that everything is OK (it had been so long!) and to make sure I am not in for any surprises once I do decide to cycle, and have time to resolve problems if any are found.

The technician checked my lining. I was at 9.9 and was told I’m making lining like a champ. I even had an 18.5mm egg in my left ovary. Not that it’s really needed right now. But everything was in perfect state and they told me its completely ready to go if we wanna go through with the FET.

For some reason I got giddy and thought maybe this is just a sign that I should do it. I asked them how much longer I had to decide yes or no. They said not much longer since I’d need to take the trigger that night and they need to know before the end of day.
More torment. I started “thinking” again. (and driving DH nuts again – I have to say, he’s so patient, its amazing).

Finally, it seems that we had decided to just do it. I called and told them I will. And suddenly it was for real, I was actually going to do my FET and possibly be pregnant in a couple of weeks. I don’t know whybut I was hit with a sudden panic. Even as I went through the motions and listened to all the tons of instructions of taking the shot, times I should show up for the transfer and so on and on, my mind was just reeling and I was in pure panic. I kept thinking what have I done… am I really ready to get pregnant right now.
I know it might sound silly to some of my readers reading this. You might think – if you felt that way, why on earth were you even forcing this FET, if you weren’t even sure you want to get pregnant yet. Well, the answer is that after DD was born, I had “envisioned” that we would go back for our embies the following year and start trying within 6 months to a year after she was born. So fast forward a year past the time I thought I’d actually start. Fact is, I have thought about this FET one million times, but each time put it off for a little more time. The start of this year was the time I was SURE I would go for it. So the time came and I was going through the motions. But in reality, there are so many things going on around this current time in my life that I’m petrified on how I will add pregnancy atop everything. I feel that we will only have two kids (even though in my fantasies I like to see a huge big family). But if more than likely, we will only have two, then this will be my last pregnancy that I’m shooting for. WHy would I do it at a time that’s so crazy and hectic for me.

I was going through the motions because I had tried planning life before and put things off before and was in for a rude shock that once I was finally “ready”, it took a whole journey to TTC number one from there. I didn’t want a repeat of history.
But at the same time I had to balance these thoughts with the reason that if I’m just simply not ready to take this on right now, why would I be opening up a chance, if it is just truly not the best time?

By evening it became apparent that I wasn’t ready to go through with it and I didn’t take the shot. Even though I was still torn every minute, the decisions to wait began to outweigh the impulse to go through with the cycle.

In the morning, I made the firm choice to cancel and I wasn’ t panicking this time. If anything it felt like it was a relief. Logically, waiting a couple more cycles made a ton more sense for a whole variety of reasons. And I made peace with the fact that I was truly making the sensible decision.

I guess I have learned that plans have to be re-evaluated, even when you had mentally imagined taking specific steps in life at a certain time. When the time comes, if it is not the right moment at the time, in your heart you will know. I felt that I was rushing into something without good reason other than the fact that I’d planned to do it at this time.

I am still very much looking forward to the FET, now that we will be doing it at a time that’s more optimal with our schedule this year. I will of course come back to this blog to update once we are finally doing it. Which should be some time at end of April.
Who knows, I might even find the time in my crazy hecitc life to make a few posts before then too.

For now I am relieved to have made a decision that was best for me and family, even if it did mean cancelling out of my cycle last minute to go for it when the time is truly right…

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Entry filed under: 1.

Trigger shot arrives, and emotions start brewing… Fetting For Real! :)

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Lut C.  |  February 12, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    I enjoyed the long honeymoon away from IF too, but now I want to get moving again, asap.

    I’m glad you came to a decision and that you’re still pleased with it being the right one.

    Reply
  • 2. Jys  |  February 13, 2009 at 1:05 am

    I absolutely do feel I made the right decision. But it sure was hard. I know I didn’t list all the reasons in my post (it would have been twice as long) but suffice to say that one huge reason is that they would not have done the FET anyway if they knew I was still nursing. While I have found no definitive answer on whether the hcg shot could somehow get though milk into DD’s system, I was adviced countless times by everyone I’d asked to err on side of caution and wean before doing this FET. That alone was reason enough, but even aside of that, I started to realize that both now and the time the baby would be born (if things work) would be really bad times for me. In the end logic just won out. Starting a couple months later will be OK, and will probably save my sanity…

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
February 2009
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