Archive for April, 2009

Wheels in Motion…

My transfer is at 9:15 tomorrow, and here I am the night before, now mere hours away from it. I have been thinking about all of this mind boggling process a whole lot today. In a way I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this embie has been frozen in time since that day I went for my fresh cycle that is now my daughter. I remember having to make the hard choice to transfer only one at the time, but it was so very heavily recommended by all the professionals that I trusted that they were recommending what was best. Still, I could not help but feel like I “left the other one behind”. I was brought pictures of both of them, and they showed me the one they would transfer… we had the option to take the second one if we absolutely wanted to. We decided to go with one as they suggested, but I told myself I will definitely come back for that other one, one day…. So now, I feel like that day is tomorrow. And somehow it’s just hard to wrap my mind around the fact that here I am all this time later, going back for this embie that has been frozen in time all this time.

In a way I feel like a FET cycle is even harder to comprehend when it comes to all the crazy facts about it.
So much has happened, the world has moved on – and DH today  compared it to time travel. The fact that this embie “could” have been my daughters fraternal twin is definitely a mind game.

Around 6pm today, I thought about the fact that the process has began of bringing it out of its frozen “time capsule”. I learned that embies start being thawed about 16 hours before transfer so of course I couldn’t help but think around the time the process would start, that this embie has begain its preparation to come back to me.

Of course, I don’t know what awaits tomorrow. Did it make the thaw? Did they have to thaw out another? How does it look? I will learn everything in the morning. And I will certainly blog about how it all went as soon as I get back – being on bedrest means I’ll have little else to do anyway.

So far, I can’t say I am nervous or overly excited or feeling any kind of emotion other than complete awe at the whole idea of the event tomorrow. Only God knows what He has planned for my future, but it is certainly one of those rare moments in time when you know that something huge is happening and yet there is absolutely no telling how it will go or what will be or what awaits you. Its an amazing feeling.

Of course, this cycle brings back memories of the fresh one. I can’t help but feel emotional about it all, remembering the chain of events that all led up to today and just how many happy memories I have been blessed with since the day of my fresh cycle. I feel like my life changed – transformed. And now, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

I am a lot less nervous about the outcome or the process than the first time around. I guess because this is only our official “start” of TTC for number 2, and I am not yet being put through the ringer of months of trying. Also, because I’ve been through this process before, I kind of know what to expect. Many women say that a FET is a piece of cake comparing to a fresh cycle. So far so good, but tomorrow still feels like a pretty big day.

Lets see how it goes….

April 30, 2009 at 11:37 pm Leave a comment

Reminiscing – a little…

Another day’s gone by and everything is going on same as usual. There isn’t yet a huge sense of “oh my – we are doing this BIG thing right now”. DH and I talk about plans for the rest of the year and try to remember and account for a possible pregnancy through it all. But other than that, life and daily tasks keep us so busy, there’s no time to philosophize about it all.

I took my progesterone last night like I was supposed to, once again wondering whether I even should. This is just yet another “base covered”, but I don’t think my body isn’t making progesterone of its own. I’m just always so cautious about taking anything unless I really need to. But following all instructions all the same. I have realized… that no matter what, I still want to give this embie we’re about to take the best possible chance. So that if things don’t work out, I will not feel like it was because I didn’t do everything I could.
its crazy really to feel love for an embie. When its something I can’t even see with my eyes. But somehow I do.
I remember how it felt when I had the embie that is now DD transferred to me, and looking at this “embie” now… and the absolutely amazing and incredibly individual this is… I guess all I can say is that, there are some things that are simply cosmically beyond my comprehension. How this whole miracle of life things works. And somehow I just know that I need to support this miracle with everything I am, and then leave it to God’s will.
I’ve thought a little bit about how I would feel in each of the scenarios – whether it works or doesn’t. Even though I tell myself that if it doesn’t we’ll just try again next month, I know deep inside that I will still need to feel “through” some sort of a loss for THIS particular embie – the one that I am about to take into my body this Friday. I thought about the fact tonight that it has been literally frozen in time for 2.5 years and is about to be awakened to finally… go to its mother. And I feel a strange sense of guilt, that I left it so long, or left it at all. This is the kind of crazy psyccological nuttiness that we have to deal with, with these kinds of methods of TTC. Sometimes I wonder if the human brain is really meant to deal with thoughts like this. Its certainly easier to just approach it from a more medically calculated standpoint. Otherwise it is all too mindboggling.

But I can’t help it – I’m an emotional being. So I have to find meaning and reason to it all the best I can. Which means thinking about it all in that fashion and trying to psychologically prepare myself (as best I can with how time permits) to have my “special time” with this embie and give to it as best I can. The time I have with it may last a lifetime, if all ends up being succesful… or just a mere few days, if not. So what I guess I feel compelled to do, it to make those days meaningful and not let life’s daily distractions take me away from that fact, that at least on Friday I will be guaranteed to have that live viable embie inside me.

And where it goes from there… only time will tell.

April 26, 2009 at 9:50 pm 2 comments

Fetting For Real! :)

Well hello there again everyone.

Today is day 10 of my cycle – the cycle that I had targeted for my FET a few months ago, back when I cancelled my cycle. And true to my word, I am officially doing it.
In fact, I went to the office today for my sonogram check and am apparently all ready with a lining of 11.4 and even a 20mm follicle which sadly I won’t need to use. They told me to go ahead and do the trigger tonight, and guess what – I did! Transfer is scheduled for Friday the 30th. I’m officially doing my FET!

So of course I thought I’d come back here to blog about it.
A few months ago, I realize I simply wasn’t ready to go for number 2 just yet. Of course, I had all these plans of what I would accomplish between then and now to officially become more “ready”. Sad to say… most of these plans weren’t realized, due to all kinds of unforseen circumstances and life branching off here and there – but… the good news is that readiness comes more from within. And the biggest difference between back then and now, is that I know I am ready to just go ahead and finally do it.

Even though there is no perfect time to add on more responsibility to an already busy life, especially since a toddler takes up SO much time, not to mention eveything else going on in  my life, and even though I’m hardly in the shape I wanted to be in before taking on a next pregnancy – what the heck – let’s just go for it.
So feel free to join me for the ride as I officially kick off surviving TTC number 2.

I do not know whether we’ll get there on the first FET, or whether many months from now I’ll still be trying to get there – but I know one thing for sure – I’m starting that journey officially.

This cycle is a natural one – meaning, they just went with my natural body’s cycle and will transfer accordingly. I still had to take that ovidrel shot tonight – its been quite a while and we had to take a quick 3 second revision course on how to do these things. No problem, we managed OK. DH gave me the shot this evening and I didn’t even feel it. (that ice works wonders). In fact I was too busy keeping a close eye on my toddler who was snooping around in my nightstand drawers. The whole thing was over in a few seconds, and it was business as usual. In fact it has been so busy lately, that we haven’t really had time to really “think” about it and philosophize about this cycle or any of that. We’re just fitting it in with the other million things going on. Maybe that is the best way.
I’m ready – bring it on!

April 24, 2009 at 9:37 pm 1 comment


Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
April 2009
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