Officially Negative

May 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm 1 comment

Less than an hour ago, I saw the doctor’s office number on my caller ID and knew the official news was in. The nurse tried to inject some sympathy into her voice as she told me that results came back negative. I wasn’t surprised in the least,  since AF had already arrived earlier today. At least it stayed away from mothers day, although all in all I’m happy it came today if it was meant to come at all, since any day later, would have put some key days for another FET cycle over memorial day weekend here in the US, and I don’t know how that might have affected things. Even now, still not sure if I’ll be able to cycle this cycle, until I know what my RE says.

Early this morning, I had debated whether to test with an hpt one last time just for the heck of it. So what the heck, I did. And saw my negative of course.
I had to go in for my beta anyway. My doctor’s office must be doing things a little differently now, since they sent me to a lab. They used to take blood at their office.

The lab was full of people who were there for all kinds of different reasons. I ended up with a really chatty nurse who happily asked me how my mother’s day was. I thought to myself wow…. what if I didn’t already have a child, and was here from the RE office for bloodwork on what looked like was an obviously failed FET. That question would have rang so much different in my ears… cause mothers day would have been really sad. I realize I am so blessed to have the blessing in my life that I do. But this start of TTC number 2 sure has started to remind me of “the good old days”.

The worry, the wonder or when and what and how.. the not knowing and not being able to plan jack, because you just don’t know what fate has in store for you. And of course… the dissappointments.
This failed cycle somehow affected me more than I thought. It just felt different, from the other BFNs in the past, in knowing that I actually had been given something thriving and alive… so… what happened? Why? I can’t help but feel a sense of guilt of what if it was me. Did my body not give this embie a chance?

When AF arrived I was suddenly hit with this very distressed sadness…. that there was this embie, that was conceived 2.5 years ago and handled with such care all this time, carefully preserved and kept safe., photographed.. and even returned to the place meant for it… to my womb. And now? It’s just going to pass with AF and end up in some trash somewhere? I suddenly really felt a deep sadness. I wish I could give it some proper burial or something. All I have is that picture of it.

I’m sure many people out there who never have to go through this, may think this is all crazy. But you never know how something feels until you face it.

Overall, I’m doing OK though. Its not like I am in deep depression and can’t function. Just sad.

And yet I know I have others that I now have to return to. Planning for it all, is both hard and in some ways impossible. I just have no idea how days will fall and because I am trying to do natural cycles (and my doctors office will likely not transfer on weekends) I feel like I have to jump around a minefield of obstacles.

Up next… we have a consult with our RE day after tomorrow. I will be gathering all my questions and will hopefully hear some positive things that we can plan for future cycles in the way I hope. I will ideally do another natural cycle or two before getting a medicated one, but I ultimately want to do what is best.

The story continues….

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Entry filed under: Day by Day, Emotions & Feelings, My Story.

Looks like I might have to be at this a little while longer… Regrouping…. (our consultation)

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Lut C.  |  May 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    I’m sorry you didn’t get good news this time. Better luck next time!

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
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