Archive for June, 2009

A month post-transfer…

Today is exactly a month since I got reunited with my embie.
Today is also the day I got my final call from my Re office, telling me that my progesterone came back at 25.4 and that I should quit the progesterone suppositories at this point and just follow up with my Ob from here, and they are all done with me.

I don’t know why it is always so dreaded to go to the RE, and yet so sentimentally sad to part ways. A happy ending means we SHOULD part ways, and yet its somehow hard. It was the first time and it is now.

Maybe I’ll feel different after a while. Afterall, going back to the RE to consult about starting with number 2 was still depressing somehow. It was like that office reminded me of the hard road with #1. But parting with them is hard again. I don’t know why it works that way.

So I’m off to my ob, and have made my first appt for this Thursday. We’ll see how it goes.

Otherwise, I am barely surviving these days with the horrible nausea that does not abate for a second. Saying it is awful does not even begin to describe it. I just survive, one day at a time.

June 29, 2009 at 12:04 pm 3 comments

We have a heartbeat! :)

Well, the big day, after the wait that seemed to take forever finally came.
When we got to the RE office, I started looking around with sentiment again. Who knows if this is the last time I would be here.
We were called in pretty quickly and the sonographer saw it right away. He said the pregnancy is right where it should be aand looking perfect. We saw the little one for the first time – I don’t know how it is that one can feel so in love with a grainy little blob, but I instantly said how I just love seeing that little embie.
“Yeah, they are very cute at this age, aren’t they?” The sonographer joked with a smile.
The heart was beating in what seemed like a beautiful slow motion. There was also a round area on top which the sonographer said was the yolk sac that is nourishing the baby. I asked when I would totally take over and he said it is gradual – my end of 1st tri, it is fully the placenta.
He said the measurement is right were it should be at 7.9 which corresponds to 6 weeks 5 days, which is where I am today.
The heartbeat measured at 141 – well within the raange of 120-150.
It all looked good.

We were all done and were ushered in to see our RE before we left. It was that short conclusion talk with him like last time and he had a letter for my ob/gyn whoever I choose, which he suggested I pick soon as they would want to see me in the next couple weeks.
I’m being handed over again. Why is it so sentimentally sad to end with the RE?
I wondered if we would be in this office again. We do have more embies, and something tells me I’ll come back one day. Even though having more than 2 kids was not really in my plans.
But one at a time. For now, I’m just thrilled for this baby.
I asked the RE what my chances of miscaarriage are right now and he said at this point of the hb, the chance is about 5%. So in other words I have a 95% chance of bringing this baby home. I’ll take that.
Due date? Valentine’s day ūüôā
Truly made with love.

June 26, 2009 at 10:08 am 3 comments

Some Reasons why I’m OK with the wait for Friday…

This 2 week wait has felt like the longest ever, especially as there is no “testing early” or anything like that to give you an early preview.

But that said, over the last few days I have certainly seen reasons why having this time is not so bad. For one thing I have a big dilemma over whom to use for my ob/gyn. If all goes well on Friday, I will be passed on to regular ob/gyn, which means I better know whom to go to.

I used a group practice my last time around and really loved my doctor. But she doesn’t practice anymore. There are new doctors there that I am unfamiliar with. I kind of want to go back there for sentimental reasons, but will the experience be the same?

I have been recommended another wonderful dr by several people and have heard wonderful things about him. But he is in solo practice and male. What happens if he is out of town? And I must admit that I really did like that it was an all-woman team in the room when I delivered last time.

Somehow I gotta sort out my dilemma before Friday. And I can’t say I’ve been a very decisive person of late.

Something else – it hit me that Friday might be the last time I might ever see my beloved RE. Unless something goes terribly wrong, or unless we are brave enough to go for number 3. Somehow this last time thing is hard to think about. Why do we get so attached to these Drs anyway? They become part of something so big in our lives, while to them, it is just something they do every day. Kind of sad really.

Well, let’s hope I’m ready by Friday. I certainly can’t wait for it none-the-less.

On a final note I had another dream last night. That all of a sudden I was delivering a full term baby. It was so unexpected and DH wasn’t even home so I called him and he was rushing to get home. Yup, there I was at home delivering my own baby and wondering how to clamp the cord. It was a boy, and I was trying to cover that from my family who were around in the house, since I wanted DH to be the first to know.
Well, at least dreams keep life funny.

On a more serious note, I guess I best get going before the next wave of nausea hits!

June 23, 2009 at 12:39 pm 3 comments

First Hints of Nausea

Just an update to say that I’m still around, still counting the days to the u/s, and checking off each day, since each day is a milestone.

The great news is that I took my blood pressure reading yesterday and for the first time in forever, the first reading shown the number to be in the 120s, which is awesome. On a subsequent reading I was 117 over 70. I am just hoping that I can keep my blood pressure under control as this has been one of my big worry points. I’ve also been relatively good about exercising, and until today – eating. Today I’m afraid I ate some inexcusable amounts. (I’m trying to avoid a first trimester gain, and this is definitely NOT the way to do it).

But I did because…. that first subtle feeling of nausea has started to set in. The only way I could combat it the last time was through eating. This time of course I am desperately hoping I find some other means to control it. Its truly a horrid feeling. By the time my last pregnancy was over, certain Xmas carols officially made me nautious – because they were played right around the time my nausea was at its worst and I associated them with nausea ever since. I am really hoping I might get off easier this time. Especially since I had the worst of both worlds – bad nausea AND weight gain (most women have the consolation price of maintaining or even losing weight in that period of time). I was eating all the time because it was the only time I would not be nauteous. I gained 8lbs that first trimester.

So I’m gonna breathe deep….. and tomorrow, try some different tactics. Lets hope I don’t come back to report that I failed miserable and ate myself silly.

On the other hand… the u/s is a week away from tomorrow. I will officially be able to begin my week count down. I really cannot wait to see that heart beat and cross that milestone.

June 18, 2009 at 8:38 pm 2 comments

Nothing Exciting other than Emotional Drama

Today I feel exactly as I did yesterday, which means I still do not have any classic pregnancy symptoms, and now that the memories of pee sticks and beta updates from the doctor seem to be becoming somewhat distant, I just live by faith that I am pregnant and firm refusal to think anything other than that everything will be OK.

While I have no nausea or any other noticable changes in my body, I have been OVERWHELMINGLY tired and also, extremely emotional. I was walking around the mall yesterday and I found myself looking around desperately searching for anything to “cry” at. This is a change I definitely see. I am weepy and extraordinarily emotional about everything.

Which is why I am really trying to be calm about my previous post, realizing that 10% of me is totally right to be upset the way I am, and the other 90% is totally blown up by hormones into letting it affect me a lot more than I should. I got a message from my mom and it is obvious that she is totally obliviously happy about our news, while I am sitting here still seething over her comment and have successfully made it the focus of my thoughts for the last couple of days. I am torn whether to bring the subject up with her or not. On one hand logic tells me there is no point and it will only create this unpleasant “thing” between us. On the other hand, emotional as I am, maybe I would be wise to say something if only to protect myself from any such future comments, which obviously affect me GREATLY. Is there a way to have the best of both worlds?

On the bright side, I talked to a friend who has absolutely no clue about my TTC journey and told her my little secret news and it was absolutely refreshing to just hear the normal wonderful comments that people make when a pregnancy is announced. I reminded myself why as much as I love to talk about it, it is still nice when someone just doesn’t know, and for a while just¬†takes you away from it all.

I am of coure eagerly awaiting the heartbeat appointment. Next Friday seems even further away than it did last Friday. When I think about it, time just seems to drag one second at a time. I guess maybe that’s why preoccupying myself with being hurt over comments has a positive spin to it, in that it can take me away from obsessing about my sonogram date?

It certainly can’t come soon enough.

June 15, 2009 at 11:55 pm 1 comment

Telling the first few people and some Bittersweet results.

Yesterday I finally told a few key people about my good news.

I was so excited to finally share it. Days like this dont happen every day where you tell your closest friends/family that you are joyfully expecting. And from what I have seen, unfortunately, its only your first, second and maybe third time that you can feel confident that people would react with joy. In fact, just the other day, I heard a lady talk about her daughers announcement of her 4th pregnancy like its a tragedy.

I wish people would just focus on what a wonderful miracle from God this is, every time. My own announcemtn yesterday is very unfortunately mixed with unpleasant memories also.

While things went wonderfully with my best friend, with my mother, I was left feeling pretty upset. She was happy for me of course, but her immediate question was not when is the due date or how far along I am or how I’m feeling – no, her immediate need was to know whether this pregnancy was “natural” or whether we had help. I certainly understand and do not think there’s anything wrong with asking that, since she knew about my IVF. In fact, I had anticipated this question coming and went through options of what I will say in response – since, I have sort of regretted telling her about my IVF in the first place due to several insensitive things she said since. I had toyed with the option of answering that question with saying that it is not her business. But in the end, I decided that if she asks (or rather WHEN she asks) to tell her that of course we went back for our embies as we obviously feel very strongly that we would give them a chance before creating anything new.

So, when that was the first thing she started prying about, that is exactly what I said.

It was her comment right after that, that has upset me to the point where almost 24 hours later, I am still really upset about it. First she said, so you didn’t even try naturally at all? TO which I answered – No, we did not, SO?

She skirted around her obvious dissappointment and then just blurted it out – “well, I dont know, but you should have just tried to do it naturally this time”. She kind of started go on and on about it, so I immediately curbed that by telling her that I did not have to share this information with her, but since she asked and I chose to, she should at the very least respect the decision that me and my husband felt was right.

But the damage was done. Instead of feeling happy and glowing about the fact that I told family and basking in the happy memories, I have instead been crying and wishing to God that I’d kept the origins of this pregnancy as my business alone, since I feel that nobody who tries to tell me how I should conceive my children has the right to know the details of how they were concived anyway.

I feel like I should have known better, since having told my mom about my IVF already resulted in comments that made me wish I hadn’t told her. This may be my last pregnancy and I was hoping that with things that are in my control, I would avoid the things that irked me the last time. But I have already made this first mistake.

I wish my mother wasn’t someone who needs a fix that we conceived naturally. I wish she was someone who shared my views that life is precious even in the embryonic stage and how could I ever NOT have gone back for the embies I left? Instead, she unfortunately sees this as frivolous morality and very openly wishes that our pregnancy would not be tarnished with having had help.

Needless to say, when the views are so different, you kind of wish you didn’t open yourself to even letting someone in on your private life and giving them a chance to make their comments on “how” you should have done what is ultimately NONE of their business.
I am very bitter about it, and just hoping that with time I will feel better and that it won’t bug me anymore, and most importantly that I would not regret having told her about what I feel is right in my heart. I firmly stand for what I believe, and absolutely nobody has the right to tell me that I should not have gone back for my embryos, and instead chosen to value chasing a “natural pregnancy” and having no regard for the fact that I have precious embies waiting.

My mom of course, always thinks she is right – I am just the immature child who hasn’t wisened up to her years of experience to know better. So I already¬†know that there is no point to even putting this¬†discussion on the table to tell her how I¬†feel – it will only end badly and I will just end up feeling like my privacy was that much more invaded.¬† I only wish I could go back in time and never tell her about the origins of this pregnancy because ultimately it really isn’t any of her business.¬† And unfotunately right now, I don’t feel like sharing anything else about it with her.

I hope that I start feeling better, and focusing on happiness. I know after all, what a blessing this is, and I don’t let myself forget even one day. So I hope I find a way to cope, and move on, and hopefully be able to reach a time when in hindsight it will not bug me anymore.

June 14, 2009 at 9:23 am 6 comments

What can I obsess about?

No more betas for me, and the sonogram which is 2 weeks away from today feels like an eternity away. Talk about a different kind of “two week wait”. I don’t have any more numbers to await for from the RE, and I have already peed on enough sticks to support¬†a healthy pregnancy test industry. In fact, I peed on my last one on Wednesday since I couldn’t get my result that day but had to do SOMEthing to reassure myself. I got my darkest line ever, and was officially out of pee sticks in the house.

Even if I wasn’t, I don’t think peeing is an option anymore. If my doubling continues correctly, I should already be in the 1000s today, while a home test detects 25-50 or so. So there will be no way for me to measure that beta is increasing appropriately by hpt darkenss anymore for sure.

What to do? I can only wait.

In the mean time I’m wondering when/whether to tell family. Not a soul knows yet. Should I wait till the 6 week mark or till I see the hb? Then again, if I am doing so for the reason that something might happen before then – then wouldn’t I need their support if it does? Besides, it is so impossibly hard to be talking with them on the phone and not saying anything. How can I not blurt it out?!

I want to tell them in person, but its hard to arrange for that to happen. Should I just go ahead and do it over the phone? I’ll end up missing the chance to do it in person then though – once done, its done.

I’ve been feeling OK. Not too happy about my weight and my blood pressure is still not ideal. I measured about 138 over 85 today. Working out at the gym relegiously and keeping heart rate under 140 even more religeously.

That’s about it. I’ve been feeling a lot more emotional – but that could be just me. I don’t think I ever got over it from my last pregnancy/nursing. Speaking of which… DD still is. Very limitedly now, and I am very much (although gently) encouraging her to wean. But its¬†not quiet easy to do.¬†So of course¬†I can’t believe I’m pregnant AND nursing. More things to worry about. I’m worried that nursing¬†could be not ideal for the pregnancy, although I know a ton of women who nursed during. It was my wish though for DD to wean completely naturally though too. Lets hope we’re almost there….

Wow, I guess there IS a lot to obsess about. Hopefully I’ll keep busy these next 2 weeks…

June 12, 2009 at 6:00 pm 1 comment

Older Posts


Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
June 2009
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