Telling the first few people and some Bittersweet results.

June 14, 2009 at 9:23 am 6 comments

Yesterday I finally told a few key people about my good news.

I was so excited to finally share it. Days like this dont happen every day where you tell your closest friends/family that you are joyfully expecting. And from what I have seen, unfortunately, its only your first, second and maybe third time that you can feel confident that people would react with joy. In fact, just the other day, I heard a lady talk about her daughers announcement of her 4th pregnancy like its a tragedy.

I wish people would just focus on what a wonderful miracle from God this is, every time. My own announcemtn yesterday is very unfortunately mixed with unpleasant memories also.

While things went wonderfully with my best friend, with my mother, I was left feeling pretty upset. She was happy for me of course, but her immediate question was not when is the due date or how far along I am or how I’m feeling – no, her immediate need was to know whether this pregnancy was “natural” or whether we had help. I certainly understand and do not think there’s anything wrong with asking that, since she knew about my IVF. In fact, I had anticipated this question coming and went through options of what I will say in response – since, I have sort of regretted telling her about my IVF in the first place due to several insensitive things she said since. I had toyed with the option of answering that question with saying that it is not her business. But in the end, I decided that if she asks (or rather WHEN she asks) to tell her that of course we went back for our embies as we obviously feel very strongly that we would give them a chance before creating anything new.

So, when that was the first thing she started prying about, that is exactly what I said.

It was her comment right after that, that has upset me to the point where almost 24 hours later, I am still really upset about it. First she said, so you didn’t even try naturally at all? TO which I answered – No, we did not, SO?

She skirted around her obvious dissappointment and then just blurted it out – “well, I dont know, but you should have just tried to do it naturally this time”. She kind of started go on and on about it, so I immediately curbed that by telling her that I did not have to share this information with her, but since she asked and I chose to, she should at the very least respect the decision that me and my husband felt was right.

But the damage was done. Instead of feeling happy and glowing about the fact that I told family and basking in the happy memories, I have instead been crying and wishing to God that I’d kept the origins of this pregnancy as my business alone, since I feel that nobody who tries to tell me how I should conceive my children has the right to know the details of how they were concived anyway.

I feel like I should have known better, since having told my mom about my IVF already resulted in comments that made me wish I hadn’t told her. This may be my last pregnancy and I was hoping that with things that are in my control, I would avoid the things that irked me the last time. But I have already made this first mistake.

I wish my mother wasn’t someone who needs a fix that we conceived naturally. I wish she was someone who shared my views that life is precious even in the embryonic stage and how could I ever NOT have gone back for the embies I left? Instead, she unfortunately sees this as frivolous morality and very openly wishes that our pregnancy would not be tarnished with having had help.

Needless to say, when the views are so different, you kind of wish you didn’t open yourself to even letting someone in on your private life and giving them a chance to make their comments on “how” you should have done what is ultimately NONE of their business.
I am very bitter about it, and just hoping that with time I will feel better and that it won’t bug me anymore, and most importantly that I would not regret having told her about what I feel is right in my heart. I firmly stand for what I believe, and absolutely nobody has the right to tell me that I should not have gone back for my embryos, and instead chosen to value chasing a “natural pregnancy” and having no regard for the fact that I have precious embies waiting.

My mom of course, always thinks she is right – I am just the immature child who hasn’t wisened up to her years of experience to know better. So I already know that there is no point to even putting this discussion on the table to tell her how I feel – it will only end badly and I will just end up feeling like my privacy was that much more invaded.  I only wish I could go back in time and never tell her about the origins of this pregnancy because ultimately it really isn’t any of her business.  And unfotunately right now, I don’t feel like sharing anything else about it with her.

I hope that I start feeling better, and focusing on happiness. I know after all, what a blessing this is, and I don’t let myself forget even one day. So I hope I find a way to cope, and move on, and hopefully be able to reach a time when in hindsight it will not bug me anymore.

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Entry filed under: 1.

What can I obsess about? Nothing Exciting other than Emotional Drama

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. pj  |  June 14, 2009 at 10:32 am

    I am mad just reading this! If you could conceive on your own, doesn’t she think you’d have done so instead of going through the torment of IVF? And like there’s any difference whatsoever between a naturally conceived baby and an IVF baby? None.

    I know I’d be taking a break from my mom if she did that, but that’s just how I deal with things. Luckily, my family thinks the science of it is amazing. They don’t quite understand everything, but they try.

    I’m so sorry you didn’t get joyful hugs and elation. You definitely deserve so. Hugs

    Reply
  • 2. Jennifer  |  June 14, 2009 at 10:36 am

    I’m so sorry. I think people in our family will have a similar reaction (my mom asked similar questions, but once I explained that we had 5 embies on ice that I didn’t want to just abandon…she understood.)…I think John’s family will be more critical of the way we got preggo for #2, especially his mother. She had 5 kids w/o “help”, so she assumes everyone has a shot at being as fertile as her.

    Sorry it was a bittersweet announcement…don’t let it get you down…your pregnancy is a miracle, a gift, and is all yours!!!

    Reply
    • 3. Jys  |  June 14, 2009 at 1:09 pm

      I appreciate the support!!! I know I’ve been really hung up on it, but it just really hurts for now. Like Jennifer, I had told my mom in the past that I would definitely go back for my embies and made it clear as to why. Clearly she just waived that off, since after prying about it, she still expressed her obvious dissappointment. Obviously my firm stance on the matter doesn’t matter as much to her. It doesn’t go with her way of thinking, so is obviously the wrong way of thinking. Even if she has her own views, the nerve to find a way to express that to me when I have just announced wonderful news, hopefully makes me justified in wishing I hadn’t let her in to what was none of her business in the first place.
      She’s alienated me so much, and yet ironically enough, is so sensitive herself that if I was to so much as express that I’m upset, she would get ten times more offended that I “dared” to be upset at her in return.
      Ugh.
      I pray to God that I NEVER make my DD feel the way my mom makes me feel.

      Reply
  • 4. Flower  |  June 15, 2009 at 8:06 am

    Speechless!!

    So sorry you had to go through that. (hugs)

    Reply
  • 5. amber  |  June 15, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    People that have never needed “help” conceiving obviously don’t know how the words they choose can cut like a knife. I’m sorry that your mom responded this way to your AWESOME news! Don’t stress about it (easier said than done) and if it really bothers you, maybe write a letter to her letting her know how she makes you feel about everything. Wait a few days, reread it and then if you still feel like you should send it, then put it in the mail.

    (((((Hugs)))))

    Take care,
    Amber

    P.S–Thank you for the sweet note on my blog. I’m doing much better and ready for the next step in this crazy journey.

    Reply
  • 6. Jys  |  June 15, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    Oh my gosh Amber, you must be in my head as this is EXACTLY what I was doing (writing a letter) when I came here to see your comment. My thought was exactly that I would sleep on it and see if it is worth it to send it.
    I am torn – on one hand I don’t want to start something negative or to try to express something that would not end up being understood anyway. On the other hand, I feel it is unfair for me to never even let on that something hurt me, and therefore allow for more in the future. It is wonderful to be on a blog like this where readers actually understand and relate and give incredible support, and I wish many times that I’d left it at that and never gave others a gateway to comment on things they will never understand.

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
June 2009
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