Archive for March, 2010

The Bittersweet Postpartum Checkup

I had my 6 week checkup today. The last official appointment for this pregnancy. Why are these things always so sentimentally sad? Or is it just me? You get a doctor and a place you go to that becomes just a routine part of one of the most amazing/special times in your life. And then its over and it feels like goodbye. To an ob/gyn, this is what they do, day in day out. Patients come and go and babies are born every day. But to us, they become this part of the most special events of our lives. And then its time to say goodbye. Why can’t we keep them? ūüôā

I guess we can if we just keep getting pregant over and over. But reality is getting pregnant, going through pregnancy/birth and the responsibility of raising a person is this HUGE ordeal and one always just has to think twice before even embarking on this journey – starting with the whole stress of BFNs or BFPs and continuing on and on till…. well, forever. You never stop worrying and stressing after that. The type of phase just morphs from one into another, but each comes with its set of things to worry about. Those of us who survive TTC only have to go on to survive everything else. To our child’s first illness to the day when they get teased in school to meeting their first boyfriend/girlfriend to worrying about whom they will marry to worrying about THEIR kids – it simply never ends after that. So each time before we even consider the nuttiness of adding yet another such journey into the mix, we have to think very carefully. What is wonderful about it, is truly priceless. But the bad parts are hell.

For one thing… pregnancy and childbirth is certainly not a picnic. As romantic as it is and as¬†magical as it sounds, it takes a toll on your body the likes of which no IF treatment has seen. I have now experiences both kinds of child births and I have to say that while the moment your child is born is equally as powerful in each, the whole process of birthing and recovery is equally as horrendous. While I kept hearing that a C section is longer to recover from, I certainly didn’t find the pain of recovery worse than for my first natural birth experience. I’d almost be willing to say I preferred the sore site being the tummy than being sore whenever I sat on anything. And I do remember the moment when I knew I was going to have a C-section having the some-what good thought that my perineum is going to end up unscathed for this birth.

That said, of course the C-section comes with its own price. I found out today that I can never again be induced now that I’ve had a c-section. I didn’t know that. Is that a so-bad thing? I don’t know. But this means that any kind of “planning” if I ever have another child will be the c-section kind. If I want to have a vaginal delivery, I’ll have to go into labor on my own.
I almost might have a numbness above my incision, perhaps forever. Its not horrible, but it may never go away.
Oh and of course, yes, I’ll always have a scar. That said, the technology they use these days is amazing with dermabond – and my wonderful ob, who had 2 c-sections herself was particularly good at this procedure, where everyone raved to me about what good a job she does. Even now only 6 weeks out, all I see is a thin line that’s healing really nicely.

The not-so-nice part about it is that I have the dreaded overhang of skin over it. This is definitely one case where “out of sight, out of mind”, does not apply. the overhang of skin comes courtesy of having been pregnant, and in my case with a particularly large baby. That too may be something I get to keep forever, since I was reading today that it can be almost impossible to get rid of the overhang other than having a tummy tuck. Awesome. Hey, at least there’s that option.

Finally something else I’m upset about, and this has nothing to do with anything other than being my own fault, is that I have regained some of the weight I lost!!! I stepped on the scale this morning and to my horror, I saw that I had regained 9 of the almost 40lbs I lost! This is a trap I really didnt want to fall into a second time around. Nursing is supposedly great for losing weight, but it makes me RAVENOUS. Something I have vowed to fix as of today. I am going to have to start eating only healthy foods, crazy as my life is right now.

My ob of course discussed birth control options. Yet another one of those mind game things for those of us who surviving ttc. After surviving TTC, you kind of figure you are your own birth control. But yes, there’s this funny thing called irony. And since I was technically unexplained, with both DH and I passing every test with flying colors, who knows. If I ever do get pregnant again, I certainly would want to reserve it for my embies. We’ll just have to see how life plays out and if I am destined to survive ttc again.

For now, I left my doctors office today with another bitter-sweet feeling. Like the kind you get when you leave your RE’s office because you have moved on. Now, I have moved on from pregnancy too. Thank God that my relationship with our pediatrician will be a very long-term one. That’s at least one kind of doctor you don’t say goodbye to anytime soon.

As far as the damage to my body and everything that is involved, I know that I look at my little newborn and know in that instant that it is all worth it in a heartbeat. Then again, ask me again once he turns into a toddler like my little DD. I already see, from raising her that yup, he will get there. Which makes that newborn phase even more special right now and something that I want to cling on to. Hey, after going through all that we mommies do, we deserve to have that precious newborn to keep forever as a prize. Why they have to turn into toddlers with terrible twos,or teens down the line, I don’t know ;P

But oh well, enough for one post. I’ll have to come back here and write about all the other things on my mind and all the other feelings and phases that I can’t cram all into one day.

For now, I survived the post-partum visit. And checked out OK! ūüôā

March 30, 2010 at 10:00 pm 2 comments

The Last Pregnancy Test

OK, I will fully admit to being a sentimental nut. Or something like that.

Before my pregnancy was over,I bought one last pee stick. My last pregnancy test that I figured I will take before I deliver, just to see that BFP again. We all know (those who have survived TTC) what that BFP means to us. So much more than it may mean to women who never had to survive ttc. So I wanted that one last glance. I honestly don’t know if I will be pregnant again. As romantic as a BFP is, what follows, in the best outcome of a healthy baby 9 or so months later, is a lifetime of responsibility and sacrifice. One cannot go making those BFPs very lightly as a result. So knowing this, I thought I’d have my one last test and thrill to see that BFP and know that I am pregnant.

However in all the craziness, it is the one thing I forgot to do. I finally took the test today. Thinking that maybe with all the postpartum hormones (isn’t this the 4th trimester after all?) I might still have enough hcg in mybody to turn the test positive.

Well, it was negative. And I guess in a way, a final realization that pregnancy is over. That transition from pregnancy to having that baby in your arms happens all within a day – usually such an eventful day, that it takes a long time to catch up with your own emotions and even process the whole birth experience. Unlike the last time, I can’t say that I miss terribly being pregnant. My first pregnancy was easier. I felt like I could literally jump up and fly even in my third trimester and enjoyed every minute right up until DD was born. With this pregnancy, everything was a surprise and completely different. Towards the end, I would have horrible pain in my cervix every time I was upright and the baby was moving. Life was pretty uncomfortable. In fact right now, it is amazing how light I feel. In a way its a relief to not have the baby IN me anymore. I may be recovering from a C section and feeling like I just got ran over by a truck, but other than carrying around a pair of pretty heavy breasts loaded with milk, the feeling of not having to carry around a melon size tummy is pretty nice. My baby weighed almost 11 pounds. Quite a shocker. But now I realize why I was so uncomfortable.

In 11 days I lost 35lbs, which has put me pretty close (a couple pounds) away from my starting weight with this pregnancy. That is a huge boost for sure and I know now not to mess it up (lets hope I don’t) – cause nature doesn’t just shed weight off you like that forever. At some point it stops and if you don’t take over and eat healthily, you DO start gaining weight again. That happened with DD. In 9 days I had lost 24lbs and for some reason was delusional enough to think that I am now a fat burning machine that can consume just about anything and still lost 5lbs the next day. Not at all. So this time, I’m going to try to be more careful.

Its been taking me a while to process all my emotions, this whole journey and where I go from here. Of course, not like there is a ton of time for mental muling. There is a toddler and baby to take care of around the clock. I do love it,but hard work it is. Kind of the kind of work you do only out of that kind of insane mothers love. Part of me is sad, because I already know how quickly it ends. My children will simply never know nor appreciate the selfless sacrifice that is a constant in my life daily. My daughter, who only 6 months ago was nursing herself, thinks it is hilarious that “baby eats mommy”. And wouldn’t dream of the fact that she ever did same. She also doesn’t like to be kissed nearly as much as I would love to. I have to say night night and just wave my hand at her many a night. She’s just transformed from this absolutely precious and wondrous baby into an independent and wonderful toddler with a mind of her own. And so will he. I know this now. So I just try to enjoy every precious moment that I can. Amidst all the business and craziness, I try to save as many memories as I can,and savor the moment. This is my moment that is given to me after everything I have been through to have this child. This baby and the way he rests in my arms, and this powerful and devine time between a mother and her newborn – as sleep deprived as she is. Its all gone in a blink. And since I may never experience this again, I will just try to enjoy every minute of it now and remember it forever.

And as far as surviving ttc? I guess lets see if I am destined to make this journey again. I will never totally rule it out, cause it’s depressing to. But I know realisitcally, having a 3rd is definitely not as a sure thing as having a 2nd for us. Still I have embies waiting. So you never know. Just maybe… Maybe we’ll just go for it again.

For now, I’ll just deal with Surviving HTC (Surviving Having Two Children) ūüôā

That’s a whole journey in itself!

March 5, 2010 at 10:22 pm 1 comment

My baby is in my arms! (the long overdue update)

It has been impossible to find the time to finally update this blog after all the adventures I have had over the past few weeks, but needless to say, yes, my baby is here. And so I am at least taking this quick moment to update those of you who are kind enough to visit to check on me.

While it would take forever to write down the whole story (I will have to come back and do that one day) I will stick to the main details that I got induced on the 17th and now have a beautiful baby boy.

Labor had¬†a few curve balls and I ended up with a C section after it became apparent that a vaginal delivery wasn’t going to be likely. The baby had a rare presentation that did not lend itself to me dilating past 6cm. Furthermore, the baby was huge and also had his cord wrapped around his neck twice.

Having delivered my first vaginally, of course a c section wasn’t what everyone had expected, but I have to say that the moment of birth was just as powerful and wonderful.
The twist to the story was that I ended up spending 10 days in the hospital instead of¬†the 3-4 because my little one decided to develop a temperature¬†at a couple days of life¬†which ended up putting him in the NICU. I don’t know how I survived this intense period of time with¬†everything that transpired, but now finally, I am home.

I have a lot of catching up to do with all my emotions and of course I am still healing. But I look around me and I see my two beautiful children. Surviving TTC became so much more about just surviving TTC.  After everything that we go through as mothers to bring these children into the world, whether this starts with difficulties conceiving or not, the work, the sacrifice and the very life we put into this, is not describable by any words. Our bodies are put through so much, from pregnancy to delivery to nursing just to keep life going. And we survive it all, not just the TTC part.  

Somehow you look into their eyes and it is all worth it. But it costs a LOT.
I am so very thrilled to now have my DS in my arms after all the adventures it took to bring him into this world, starting from the day he was left behind to wait 2.5 years until I could come back for him. It is all very surreal and unbelievable. And yet it is.

I will try to find the time to give a more detailed account of my adventures. But for now – welcome to the world, my son!

March 1, 2010 at 10:06 pm 3 comments

Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506

Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
March 2010
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