The Last Pregnancy Test

March 5, 2010 at 10:22 pm 1 comment

OK, I will fully admit to being a sentimental nut. Or something like that.

Before my pregnancy was over,I bought one last pee stick. My last pregnancy test that I figured I will take before I deliver, just to see that BFP again. We all know (those who have survived TTC) what that BFP means to us. So much more than it may mean to women who never had to survive ttc. So I wanted that one last glance. I honestly don’t know if I will be pregnant again. As romantic as a BFP is, what follows, in the best outcome of a healthy baby 9 or so months later, is a lifetime of responsibility and sacrifice. One cannot go making those BFPs very lightly as a result. So knowing this, I thought I’d have my one last test and thrill to see that BFP and know that I am pregnant.

However in all the craziness, it is the one thing I forgot to do. I finally took the test today. Thinking that maybe with all the postpartum hormones (isn’t this the 4th trimester after all?) I might still have enough hcg in mybody to turn the test positive.

Well, it was negative. And I guess in a way, a final realization that pregnancy is over. That transition from pregnancy to having that baby in your arms happens all within a day – usually such an eventful day, that it takes a long time to catch up with your own emotions and even process the whole birth experience. Unlike the last time, I can’t say that I miss terribly being pregnant. My first pregnancy was easier. I felt like I could literally jump up and fly even in my third trimester and enjoyed every minute right up until DD was born. With this pregnancy, everything was a surprise and completely different. Towards the end, I would have horrible pain in my cervix every time I was upright and the baby was moving. Life was pretty uncomfortable. In fact right now, it is amazing how light I feel. In a way its a relief to not have the baby IN me anymore. I may be recovering from a C section and feeling like I just got ran over by a truck, but other than carrying around a pair of pretty heavy breasts loaded with milk, the feeling of not having to carry around a melon size tummy is pretty nice. My baby weighed almost 11 pounds. Quite a shocker. But now I realize why I was so uncomfortable.

In 11 days I lost 35lbs, which has put me pretty close (a couple pounds) away from my starting weight with this pregnancy. That is a huge boost for sure and I know now not to mess it up (lets hope I don’t) – cause nature doesn’t just shed weight off you like that forever. At some point it stops and if you don’t take over and eat healthily, you DO start gaining weight again. That happened with DD. In 9 days I had lost 24lbs and for some reason was delusional enough to think that I am now a fat burning machine that can consume just about anything and still lost 5lbs the next day. Not at all. So this time, I’m going to try to be more careful.

Its been taking me a while to process all my emotions, this whole journey and where I go from here. Of course, not like there is a ton of time for mental muling. There is a toddler and baby to take care of around the clock. I do love it,but hard work it is. Kind of the kind of work you do only out of that kind of insane mothers love. Part of me is sad, because I already know how quickly it ends. My children will simply never know nor appreciate the selfless sacrifice that is a constant in my life daily. My daughter, who only 6 months ago was nursing herself, thinks it is hilarious that “baby eats mommy”. And wouldn’t dream of the fact that she ever did same. She also doesn’t like to be kissed nearly as much as I would love to. I have to say night night and just wave my hand at her many a night. She’s just transformed from this absolutely precious and wondrous baby into an independent and wonderful toddler with a mind of her own. And so will he. I know this now. So I just try to enjoy every precious moment that I can. Amidst all the business and craziness, I try to save as many memories as I can,and savor the moment. This is my moment that is given to me after everything I have been through to have this child. This baby and the way he rests in my arms, and this powerful and devine time between a mother and her newborn – as sleep deprived as she is. Its all gone in a blink. And since I may never experience this again, I will just try to enjoy every minute of it now and remember it forever.

And as far as surviving ttc? I guess lets see if I am destined to make this journey again. I will never totally rule it out, cause it’s depressing to. But I know realisitcally, having a 3rd is definitely not as a sure thing as having a 2nd for us. Still I have embies waiting. So you never know. Just maybe… Maybe we’ll just go for it again.

For now, I’ll just deal with Surviving HTC (Surviving Having Two Children) 🙂

That’s a whole journey in itself!

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Entry filed under: 1.

My baby is in my arms! (the long overdue update) The Bittersweet Postpartum Checkup

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Lut C.  |  March 7, 2010 at 11:29 am

    I enjoyed reading this post.

    It’s hard to commit all those small joys to memory. I can’t believe how much I’ve forgotten already. So enjoy and try to remember, and though it’s a completely different journey, ‘survival’ is probably still a good way to describe most days.

    Reply

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
March 2010
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