THIS baby.

May 1, 2010 at 11:55 pm Leave a comment

I wish I had more time to write on here. Even though I feel like this blog is somehow strictly all about trying for a baby, and hopefully HAVING a baby, what does one do then when trying, and pregnancy are over? The fact is, these unforgettable journeys and memories are something that I always think about, almost every day, in one form or another. Like today, I happened to remember that today was exactly one year since my first FET transfer – of the embie that wasn’t destined to make it. Somehow amidst all the chaos and hecticness of every day life (and it sure is crazy with everything going on right now) I still happen to remember this. Simply because… I cannot forget.

Somehow, the whole process of embarking to ever have children has made me much more appreciative of time and if how every moment in time is unique, never to repeat again. A long time ago, a Christmas was just another Christmas, a summer was just another summer, and a birthday was just another number to add to the years. But now, every event and every period in time, is something I look and think wow, this moment will never come again. Whether it is the precious Christimas of when my daughter was only a 5 month old baby, or the summer when I excitedly started expecting my second, or a birthday where for the first time, I was the mother of two, and the mother of my newborn son.

10 plus weeks have gone by now, and next week – in just one more day – I start work again. I look back at this time I was able to enjoy at home and at my precious baby, and I once again have this thought – that this time will never come again. Sure, I will still have my baby of course and see him every day and nurse him every day – but it will just be a new phase and chapter of life, where I am back at work now with a brand new baby and juggling being the parent of a baby and toddler, moving/selling homes (which is about 90% of what consumes time up right now) and just trying to survive a crazy stage of life.

Amidst it all, I hope to find the time to enjoy every single moment that I can of the time with this precious baby. DS has turned out to be an absolute angel. I honestly cannot imagine how a baby could be more easy, more peaceful, and more content and am so very grateful for this kind of blessing, at a time when things are definitely very hectic. Now, having had DD turn from a precious little baby into a toddler at the blink of an eye, I already know only too well how soon my son will do the same – which makes it much more difficult to let go. Each day I hate the fact that this time of having him as a sweet little baby comes at a time that is so absolutely busy with everything else going on, that I have to split my time and emotions between a thousand things and can’t just devote all my thoughts and emotions to savoring this precious baby. I certainly do what I can to the max that I can. But I can’t stop everything else that is going on. And also of course, I will also always be the mother of my first little one. This baby, sadly, will never have me as completely and fully as my lucky little first one did. But the love I feel, is just as insanely strong. And I know without a doubt, that he will never know the difference and that he will still be showered with more love than he can handle. So the sadness about not having enough time, is all mine. But it is there, none-the-less. I think about how quickly he will grow up and every day I am just in total wonder about how precious this baby stage is – in a way, it truly is like a honeymoon period between a mother and child, that lasts for a moment in time. A honeymoon, that one of them will never even ever remember. Heck my daughter, who nursed for 2 whole years, including the entire first trimester of my pregnancy with her brother, was already laughing to see her baby brother “eat mommy” and thought he was “silly”. So much for remembering! 🙂 lol When I look at her today, I realize in a crazy way, that the beautiful little baby she was, is already gone forever. I will only have my memories. I am immensely enjoying her as a toddler and I know she will only ever continue to morph and that one day, before I blink, she will be an adult. Everyone says it goes by fast, and I am starting to believe them.

Sometimes, more often than not lately, I entertain the thought of having another one day. I keep telling myself, don’t be so sentimental about this being the “last time ever” – of being pregnant, of having a baby and so on and on. After all, who says it HAS to be the last time. I have a compelling reason to go for it again after all – I still have embies left. But also I know, there is a compelling reason to be very careful before commiting to the ENORMOUS responsibility of raising yet another child as well. Will we be able to pull three when even the challenges that two have presented so far are definitely enough to keep us way more than busy. Thankfully, I don’t think about it all too much just yet. Heck, I JUST had this one. So I am in my ‘grace’ period, so to speak.

But there is one thing I know for sure. That regardless of whether I ever do have more children or not, every baby is so very unique and so very special in their own way. I will never again have THIS baby. And the time with THIS child, whether DD or DS, only ever ticks every day while they morph continously and grow continously into what will eventually be another adult.
I guess this is a the bitter-sweet beauty of being a parent. A sentimental one like me anyway. At times I wonder if I hadn’t been on the journeys that I had, if I would have ever stopped to realize all these amazing facts and appreciate life so much more. Regardless, I am glad that I do.  Because I think it helps to make sure I thank God all the time for this amazing gift and for this privilage and that I never take it for granted and only ever rather hate the fact that I don’t have enough time in a day to appreciate every God-given moment.

There is a side-note where I need to say with regards to something I just had never had a chance to even write about on here yet, I had reason to see my OB again a few weeks ago since I ended up having a muscle separation in my abs (all having  to do with pregnancy) and so I had a chance to question the birth control method that was being suggested to me – the IUD, and about how it “really” works. She told me that the old copper ones of the past worked simply by preventing implantation but that current ones have hormones in them that supposedly prevent sperm from ever reaching the egg in several ways, but she also smiled to say she realizes why I ask and that she won’t lie and that that ultimately yes, they also make the uterine lining thin and prevent implantation “should” an embryo ever form. I said to her that yes, it would feel very weird to me to use this method of birth control when I actually am storing precious embies that I consider paying huge money and going through cycles for to get to “implant”.

It all makes me realize how much I value each and every individual life now – even at the stage when it is only a potential. Each one has a potential of being a “THIS baby”. One that is unique and unrepeatable. One, like the baby I am ever so lucky to have in my life right now.

If there was a way to bottle up this precious time with him, I would be busy bottling. 🙂 But already, even in his mere 10 weeks of life, there are things that have already become just memories. And even the crazy and awfully difficult time we spent together in the hospital his first 10 days have all now become a precious memory for me.

But I look forward to making many many more, with THIS baby… and savoring each and every one.

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The Bittersweet Postpartum Checkup The return of the ironic fertility

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
May 2010
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