A visit to my ob

September 2, 2010 at 10:32 pm Leave a comment

I know that I am posting so infrequently here, that each time I do, I have a tendancy of wanting to catch up on EVERYthing and all my emotions from the past X months and beyond since I had last posted. Which of course is impossible to do, and as is, my post seems so long in the end, I get surprised that anyone out there would even care to read it start to finish.

I know people blog as a way to document their feelings and their experiences in life. What do you do when the rate of feeling and experiences way way way way surpasses any kind of time that you actually have to blog about it? I guess it builds up within and you never do get to write about it or share it in full like you wish you could.

In gist, I will at least update to say that yup, my DS is now a 6 month old baby. And the happiest, sweetest, most amazing baby I could have dreamed. Writing about him alone would take up at least a million posts, because I could talk about just that forever. But for the purpose of this post, in terms of me,I had what is supposedly an annual check up today. Anytime I have a special kind of day that brings back so freshly the memories of pregnancy, birth and all things related to creating life, I feel that urge to blog about it here. The place that started it all.

First off, I was surprised when I even saw a message pop up on my phone to remind me about this appointment coming up. I had a vague recollection that it was coming up somewhere soon but had not really thought about it. Suddenly when I saw that it was, especially at a busy time for me as it was, I started wondering if I am better off switching to another day. I was so shocked to hear that my doctor is booked out pretty much till next year! I asked, wow, well what if I were pregnant again??? Surely they wouldn’t make me wait till the baby is about to be born. The response was, well, that’s a different kind of appointment.

Yes…. somehow I forgot how much a priority status you get  when you are pregnant at an ob office.  It seemed so sad somehow that not too long ago, this office was practically my second home. But now I am back to only getting my 10 minute visit once a year. its such a harsh change. I wish it were at least twice a year. But I suppose the less one needs to see doctors the better it speaks of one’s overall health?

Anyway, I frantically tried to put every question I could think together. When you have this scary thought that you only get to see your doctor face to face to ask her important things once a year, you suddenly really don’t want to mess up, and make sure that you address them all.

Surprisingly, half my questions that I wrote down seemed to concern a potential future pregnancy. One I do not even know if I will ever have. But I keep going back and forth. The thought that I would have a second child was almost a given. I knew that if I COULD at all get pregnant and have another, I would almost certainly go for number 2. A third is a much trickier thing – at least for me. I wish I had this “FOR SURE” knowledge like so many people I seem to see – they are SURE they want only 2. Or they are SURE they definitely want 3. Or they are SURE they just want one. Not me. I am truly torn between the incredible responsibility that every additional child adds, in every way from financial to the time and commitment to raise an individual and on and on – there’s all of that on one side. And yet on the other… there is that strong feeling that I would be so much happier if this were not my last time and my last child. Especially so when I know I have those embies waiting. How could I ever not ever go back and see if any of them are meant to be. Just like I cannot imagine my life without DD or DS now… is there someone else that I would forever rob myself (and anyone else in this world) from ever knowing.

It is absolutely CRAZY what this type of journey to having children does to you. Just today at this same office, a chatty nurse mentioned how happy she is with her IUD device for birth control. All I could think about was what my doctor had told me, that she is not going to lie and that “part” of how that device works is that it prevents implantation IF for any reason conception does happen somehow (it supposedly releases hormones so that it never does). But she said it is unknown exactly how it works and that it uses all of these methods to prevent pregnancy. I remember having told her that I would feel hypocrytical then to use that method of birth control. If it prevents implantation while I have embies I am saving all at the same time.

The future is certainly unknown. Will I ever go for another FET. If I were to guess, purely on the way I feel today, I would say…. yes. I would probably put on blinders to everything from how much more responsibility I will forever have to how much more expensive life will get and complicated and on and on, and I would just do it. But we’ll see how things go and how both I and DH feel as more time passes.

All the same, I felt the need to ask questions just in CASE it will become our destiny to try for another. Will it be easy to conceive, or rather get pregnant (the way I would want to) after a C section? would I be able to do a VBAC? And on an on. I asked about how well my incision area is healing and all of that as well.

Through it all, I just felt like a sentimental sap, looking at these familiar walls and recalling what they mean to me and how I had spent my two incredible and special pregnancies here. I fully realize when I look at the staff and my doctor that no matter how wonderful they are to me (like I am the only person who they had ever delivered in the world), this is their way of life. Since I gave birth, there have been tons more deliveries, and while each one of them was the hugest event to the parents, for them, it was yet another standard week of work. I just feel fascinated how some of the hugest events in people’s lives, that they experience maybe 2 or so times in total, are literally a daily typical work day for others.

Before I left I asked my doc, in her opinion, and especially doing this for a living, what does she think is a good reason to have another child. And she responded with something that had a profound impact on me. She said “When you feel that someone is still missing”.

I sat there, nursing my baby before I had to leave, and thought… someone is missing. Those embies that are waiting. Suddenly my 50-50 feeling of whether I would ever go back for another spiked to more ofa  70-30.

Although of course I know I cannot make huge decisions like this on a whim of sentimental/emotional/hormonal moments. There is so much I know I will have to face in terms of  things to consider.

But we’ll just have to live and see.

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The return of the ironic fertility 4 Years.

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Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
September 2010
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