Archive for November, 2010

4 Years.

I always remember today. Because 4 years ago on this day both my children were conceived. This year it was especially amazing to see this day and look at both my children and think about the fact that this is the day they both came into existence. I still remember that day so freshly and how we saw the sun rise that morning and wondered if this will be the day our baby will be conceived. Well not only one but now we have two children from that day and it is so surreal. The post that I made on this blog that day makes me remember it so clearly, as one of the most wondrous days of my life.

Baby number one is a little over 3 years. Baby number 2 is 8 months going on 9.
It is excruciatingly hard for me to watch the time steadily fly by and know that he will not be a baby forever. I saw a friend the other day whom I had not seen in a very long while and was stunned when I saw her child, whom I had not seen in even longer. He was now 9 years old, and the last thing I remember was holding him as an infant. It almost didn’t seem plausible that this 9 year old was this baby.  And it made me think about how it will inevitably happen to me.
For some reason I have come to associate these first stages of life – pregnancy, birth and that precious 1st year, as happiness. Perhaps because what I remember before then is depression and pain and that feeling that everything is meaningless and nothing makes me happy. One of the tolls of that TTC journey. It is funny how at the beginning of it I absolutely dreaded IVF and thought that I absolutely cannot stand the thought of not conceiving “naturally”. But now, it is actually one of my most precious life’s memories and by far one of the most amazing and surreal things I did. And here now 4 years down the line, I am still recollecting those memories of those key days and reminicsing about how it all marked the beginning.

I hope that going forward I will start to obtain the more realistic view that this whole journey was not simply about making babies, but about making people. Because babies certainly don’t stay babies forever. I have a very real and larger than life pre-schooler to prove it.
I think the other reason it has been so hard for me to see my second baby’s first year go by is simply how busy this year ended up being for me. I effectively only now finally got around to putting all the finishing touches on the nursery I finally have for him. And I am so sad, because it is already time to lower the crib mattress down all the way. All these little milestones are hard for me. I see parents who talk about how they can’t wait for their babies to grow and get their sleep back and all of that, and I kind of envy them. They will get what they want sooner than later, that’s for sure. Those babies do grow. What I want is for my baby to remain a baby forever. And that won’t happen.

There have been times when I have wondered if I should have waited with the FET and not gone back for number 2 so quickly. I think well, that would have stretched out time and I would have had this (same) baby to look forward to later. Of course, when we did go for the FET, I already felt like I had delayed it to the max and of course I had no idea how busy things will get. And when I look at my two and how much my first loves and adores the second, it makes me wonder if having a bigger age gap would have changed that dynamic. Even if not, I now feel like something is missing when I look back at the times when we just had our first. It was a really happy time of course, but now when I look back, I cannot imagine not having my 2nd. Noone summarized it better than DD when I was showing her photos of her as a baby and us as a family back then and she suddenly asked where is my brother? What’s ironic is that he “could” have been there, given all the surreal circumstances of IVF.

I guess the bottom line is is he was there. He’s been there for 4 years just like DD. I took them to the park today and told DD that today is a special day for her and for her brother. And she asked why. I couldn’t think of a better way to answer than to say… because today is the day that God made you.


November 8, 2010 at 10:53 pm 1 comment

Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506

Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
November 2010
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