Archive for June, 2013

MY RETURN TO THIS BLOG WITH THE BIG NEWS

I was shocked when I just finally openned up this blog again to see that I have not posted here since 2011. Really? Does time fly that fast that I missed making a single post all of last year?

Its not that I dont think about all the things that this blog documented, every once in a while and with great sentiment. But I guess life got a little too busy and too crazy and posting here became dormant.

But how can I not come back now.

Especially for anyone who ever reads this story, or followed it to begin with…. to know what sometimes happens down the line.

Earlier this year I started realizing that I need to start making some very serious thoughts about my remaining embies (4 blasts), because we’re not getting any younger, time is flying and clocks are ticking. Just thinking those thoughts stressed me out, because to say that I was ready for it would have been the biggest lie. I was seriously out of shape for one and I knew before even considering another pregnancy, I would need to get to where I would want to be for it. But also.. I really didn’t know if I was prepared to sign up for the life with 3. Lets face it, we don’t make babies afterall – we make people. I felt very comfortable with 2. I had my boy and my girl and a life FULL to the brim. So how could I possibly even think about adding to it? My embies stayed on my mind, but I simply wasn’t sure when I would be ready to take that step.

At some point when thinking about the options I simply knew that SOMEhow I would need to go for them. I don’t seem to be emotionally built to have them adopted (through channels I’ve read). I think I would always wonder if I did the right thing and agonize that my child is growing up somewhere without me. At the same time, I knew that going for them is also like playing Russian roulette. What if the first one is a success? I’d still have 3 left and I know I would not be able to responsibly go for yet another. I have to think about my children, our family, and the impact it makes each time. By this summer I was seriously on the fence again about whether I would ever go for it, wondering if I even SHOULD go for it, and what option to end up picking for my life…

Until God made the decision for me.

2 days ago, on Sunday the 23rd, I had the shock of my life to find out that I am…. PREGNANT.

the past few days I had been tired and actually worried about why I am this much. Was it my extra weight? Was it the heat? I didn’t seem like me. I was lying on the couch after having taken my kids out and simply passing out from being tired until it suddenly occurred to me to check (for some crazy reason) when it was my period was due. Its not that I thought that I was pregnant – I just seem to like to freak out every once in a while to see if I’m late, not that I would ever expect that I am – not after surviving ttc. I think the freaking out dates back to when I used to freak out when I was “not” planning pregnancies, and since my cycles were like clockwork and I documented them since I was 11, I always liked knowing when to expect a period and when it wouldn’t show up on time, I’d freak out by default.

I started looking up the last date of AF in the window that I would have expected it to have been – basically, in the last 28 days somewhere. But I didn’t see any notes. So I had to look back further. And suddenly I realized pretty clearly that I am LATE. I am not just late – I am seriously (according to freak out rules) late. Day 34. Now for a cycle that’s usually 27-28 days I had NEVER been this late before in my life… maybe only once that I remember that I was a teenager, but my period had come that morning.

I immediately told DH who was sitting across from me that we need a pregnancy test. He told me to go get one, but of course it wasn’t like he remotely even had a thought that it would turn positive. Honestly neither did I. I sooner thought I was experiencing early menopause – which is exactly what I was thinking as I drove like a mad woman to buy a test at the nearest location. I thought… this is a fluke. Its GOT to be. But for a moment.. just for a moment… let me consider if it isn’t. After all… i have never been this late… not for good reason. For a second I considered it…. I simply basked in being able to even consider it… the way any “typical fertile” woman might. I thought, in a few minutes, I would take the test, it will of course be negative and it will all be over anyways. And probably a good thing too. And I prayed God.. your will be done.

I bought the test (either the location seriously has their prices jacked, or times have sure changed on how much these things cost). I came home and didn’t waste any time and ran immediately to take it. DH asked if I want him there and I said up to him. He decided to come along. I got my cup ready, and barely read the instructions to refresh them in my mind. Hadn’t I done this and gone through this like 1000 times while TTC after all? I should remember how to take a test. I dipped the stick in.. counted…. and before I even put it down flat it was moving and forming… THE LINE. And the first thing that flew out of my mouth to H was “we’re pregnant”.

I am in total shock and disbelief and hit with a million emotions. I’ve heard about it but of course it’s just something that happens to “other people”. There is no way I would have imagined that it would happen to us and to me. My son is now 3. And all this time, even though there were times when pregnancies technically “could” have happened, I was never worried because after all… all those months of trying and ending with IVF proved to me that it doesn’t just happen to us like that. And now I’m also 38. If I had to do a fresh cycle now, even that would be iffy. I had actually thought about that in recent months, that now only am I in the IF category at this point, I now have age to layer atop that. I’d be lucky to get pregnant even with my embies probably. In short… the absolute LAST THING ON EARTH I would have ever imagined…. was my world turning upside down in that instant.. with that.. totally unexpected, totally not-predicted, completely unplanned… BFP!

Whoever is reading this – IT HAPPENS.

The irony I thought, laughing to myself and with DH hours later…. that 8 years ago I was in the trenches of TTC at a young 30 years of age. The irony… that we tried and tried and tried, and TIMED with precision.. where I kept reading that within 4 cycles if you aren’t pregnant, something is certainly wrong. ALL of that. And all that culminating with my journey here, where I was lucky enough in the end, to bring a beautiful baby into this world 9 months later. Then my eventual return (of course!) for my frosties… a failed cycle and the other resulting in my DS. Getting pregnant this way… was all I knew.

Until now.

Here I am…. down the line 7 years later.. at 38… and completely surprised with a totally NATURAL pregnancy. That wasn’t even remotely due to TTC either.
It just…. OOPS…. happened!

As I write this… I have calculated that I am a little over 5 weeks along. Of course, anything could happen at this point still. And after all I’m not new to the concept of miscarriages and had been shocked with that kind of experience in the past too. We have not told anyone yet… not even our kids. And I sit tight as this new story begins to unfold. But one thing that nooone can now ever take away from me.. is that DH and I can now say something we thought we would never be able to… that we conceived entirely on our own! And without even trying. For someone who went the IVF route… that is just as shocking as the surprise pregnancy itself.

I know I have lots to think about now… not to mention reroute my mind into having to see life with 3 as no longer an abstract concept, but as a pending reality..
I also have to face the reality that I am in the worst shape starting out.. and as of Sunday, I have made myself the priority again.. something I had not in years…. because I realize now that I have to make the best choices I possibly can for my health and that of this baby..
All the things I preoccupied myself with prior to this, have now been obliterated by being hit like a freight train with this completely unexpected event of life.
But whatever it is.. and whatever happens… I will embrace it.

And I guess its back to this blog… as I document this ongoing story… of Surviving TTC.. and things that happen down the road in life, when you wait long enough!

June 25, 2013 at 9:11 pm 3 comments


Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
June 2013
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