Happy NEW year!

Is this my first post this year?! Time for an update!

I wish I updated my blog more often. On a given day, there’s about a trillion things to say, but I am spread thin. I try to keep a diary at home with baby’s milestones and such, then I manage a mommy group in my area, then I’m active on some forums, then I tryt o keep an updated site for family with photos, not to mention catch up with email – and where does time fly? Somehow I am also working and taking care of a baby. Maybe my new year resolution needs to be that I weed out some of the things I know I realistically don’t have time for. But I don’t want to give anything up.

So what’s up with me lately? Well, baby is growing – it is amazing and heart-melting to watch her learn new things every day! She is of course the center of my universe and I’ve even wondered how on earth I ever lived without her.

On the other end, I am growing too 😦 Growing FAT! The holidays did their damage and I know that when I think about my weight I have to limit it to a 5 minute thought lest I fall into depression. Solution? Another new year resolution to do something about it. But I must admit… I am not doing too well yet. It seems that on a daily basis I manage to snack on something bad for me. Weighing this much when I was pregnant didn’t feel too horrible. But now? I don’t have a pregnancy to hide behind anymore, and the fact that I’m nursing – well, isn’t that supposed to make you LOSE weight? Nope, I wasn’t one of those lucky ones. It makes me ravenous instead and I’ve GAINED weight!

Nursing didn’t keep my cycles away either. One of the most bitter-sweet things has been the return of my so called fertility, complete with AF, ewcm, and all of the usual that my life used to revolve around. All of that like clockwork. And even though my doctor has given me a prescription for the pill, I’m shamefully not on it yet. No, I’m not trying to TTC. Its probably more of a split between feeling silly for taking it when so many well-timed cycles didn’t get us pregnant anyway, and also a fear of adding anymore hormones of any kind to my body. I probably have an irrational fear that having been on the pill is what tampered with my fertility to begin with, even though I know that’s supposedly nonsense.

Still, a recent incident has made me consider getting back on it sooner than later. DH and I were not too careful a few days ago – during a supposedly “fertile” time for me when I was swamped with ewcm and it made me think and stress ironically about that crazy possibility of “what if”… “what if.. something actually happens!”. Of course that would be too ironic for words. And we are of course in no way trying for number 2 yet. I stressed and stressed and decided to just let it go and in the very likely chance that nothing happens, just get responsible and get back on those pills.

The whole thing though of course reminded me of the whole TTC life so freshly. It’s strange that during the fertile time of a cycle, I still get that sense of urgency like “I am ovulating! Should we be doing something about it??”. It’s a very weird feeling, almost like its a “waste” for lack of a better word to not be attempting to “catch that egg”. How twisted its all become! Thanks to the months and months of trying.

On another note I also thought a lot about what it would do to our family dynamic if we end up with a shocking surprise pregnancy. It made me think about siblings, spacing, the effect of it all on everybody, and even made me think about my own experiences growing up as a sibling. I already know that one can’t plan life, so mostly it was all just theoretical thoughts about how everything influences everything. And even IF one could plan it to the tee, there is no magic combination of happiness. Everything is still a dice roll of pros and cons. The one thing I have learnt from all this experience is to just cherish anything happy – when it happens just SAVOR it for the moment that it is, cause life is full of the up moments and the down moments and you will never have just one kind.

As we entered this new year, I mourned the end of 2007 a little, simply because it went down in history as such a happy year for me. BUt whatever God has in store for the future, I guess I’m as ready as can be.

Happy New Year everyone!