Archive for May, 2009

Pineapples, Toddlers, and Fears…. Oh My…

Well, I am on day two. Somehow, with the transfer just being so fresh, it doesnt quite feel like the 2 week wait just yet – more of trying to take care of myself and rest and try to nurture that embie.

Which is hard with a toddler, I must say. Yesterday after gingerly laying on the couch all day and eating enough pineapple to warrant the openning of another pineapple plantation, my 30 pound toddler comes home and decides to climb atop of me and ride me horsy style (bounce up and down atop my tummy). Dh, on the other side of the room, leaped over like a lion to get her off, and was so horrified and upset he exclaimed “Well, there goes out embie!”
I was so worried and upset, I spent a good portion of the night researching similar cases that hopefully had had a good outcome. All I could think of was my poor embie that might have been trying to implant, when suddenly jolted out of its track.
But oh well, I realized after a while, there is no point stressing over it and I don’t even know if this would necessarily impact the outcome. I’ll just be as positive as possible. I was told that the embie is like a grain of sand in a sandwich (the womb) and that its real tight in there and won’t fall out. I somehow hadn’t really realized that the womb is a “sandwich” that way until I was told yesterday. I feel stupid. Iguess I never really thought about it and only envisioend the diagrams with the cross section that shows a huge cavity inside the uterus. Not really thinking that the cross section the other way has the uterus like a sandwhich wall to wall….

Anyway, enough about sandwiches.
I have calmed enough today to take it a little more easy and of course hope for the best. I really do hope it works out and that the embie is busy nestling in there.
This mornign I woke up right at the time my transfer was yesterday and the first thing I thought is that yup, its been 24 hours. I didn’t have to lay flat anymore and could get up and walk around – that was nice.

We also picked up the car today. Since we all went together with DD, it dawned on me that she hadn’t been back to that area (at least I don’t think so) since the day SHE was the little embie that implanted within me. Its so surreal really. Today she is this little person, with this most amazing personality that we discover more and more about every day. It is mindboggling that she was that embie. I truly think it is the most amazing thing about life.

I am not looking forward to the days leading up to the big result. They are always really hard somehow. The transfer is well enough behind you to not feel like it is the current thing going on and the thing to focus on. Instead it is all about the mind game …. to be or not to be. And that period right up until the last moment when you finally know somehow is terribly emotionally taxing.

But oh well… one day at a time. Today I’m still just trying to nurture that embie and hope that it is implanting within…

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May 30, 2009 at 9:32 pm 7 comments

Transfer!

Well it is 9:45am and I am already back home lying flat on the couch, with an already cleared bowl of pineapple next to me. I’ve brought my embie home.

This morning I woke up around 5:40am or so. The night was not really restful as I would wake or DH would wake and DD woke up at 3:30 and I ended up just bringing her to lie next to me cause it was the fastest way to get some sleep.
Once again, I had a dream, that I was in some weird environment at work and suddenly at 2pm, I thought, dont I need to take another shot today? So I started calling the office when it suddenly hit me, oh crap, I had a transfer at 7:45 this morning!!! I missed it!!!
It was good to wake up alarmed and look at the clock and see it was only 5am. I hadnt missed it – I could still make it!

That said, I still was running a little late. They wanted me there by 6:45 and no later than 7am. We got a very dissoriented DD up at 6:15 or so, so that she could have breakfast and have DH drop her off at 7 on the dot and then rush to try to join me before my transfer. We tried to all have breakfast together, although she didn’t want any. At least she gave me a kiss before I left. 🙂 I rushed out of the house a little after 6:30 and then realized I forgot my phone! I rushed back ringing the doorbell a millino times and knocking and then rushing to find it and zoom out of the house again. I was officially stressing. The clock said 6:43 or so, and I knew it could taqke 25 minutes.

I prayed to God and tried to calm myself as much as I could. Miraculously, almost every single one of the zillion lights was green and I was able to avoid a lot of the stop and go. Every minute, I would look down on my clock and see one more minute go by. I called the lab but they dont answer phones till 8am. Crap.
Meanwhile DH had left the house as well to drop off DD. This was the first time we were heading over there in separate cars.

The clock finally showed 7am and I still wasn’t there, but close. I was holding my breath and torpedo-ed into the parking lot at a little after 7. I then ran to get in but the door was locked. Yikes! Before I could panick though, I felt some mechanism unlock and the door got openl I walked into the lobby, still noone inside. But then the door on the other side unlocked very quickly and there was a smiling nurse there ready to greet me. I told her I was trying to make it as soon as I could and she waved it off saying not to worry at all and that I should not stress in the least. “No stressing here!”
I was put in room 2, and somehow then felt like OK, I’ve made it. My nightmares wont be coming true after all. I was in the room at 7:07.

I changed into my gown and we went over the fun paperwork part before DH got there. Just the usual stuff, while I tried to destress myself from being so freaked that I was late. I told the nurse I always have these dreams before transfer and she told me that she has the same whenever she has to take a plane flight the next dayl She is from Italy and would dream that she missed the plane or forgot her passport. At least Im not alone 🙂
She got ready to take my blood pressure. I thought oh Lord, I haven’t even yet calmed down and my reading of late had already been so high, I bet their machine is about to explode right now. I watched it on the screen and the numbers finally appeared. 137/70!! WOW. I had NEVER ever had a reading this low in this lab. Every time I’ve been here for a procedure (this was the 4th time in total), my numbers were always through the roof, which they said they see ALL the tiem because the patients are so excited at the time, so they dont really pay it any attention. Surprisingly, on the day that I drive myself, run late, and have had higher than normal readings of late to boot, my reading comes out OK! I even asked if the machine was OK. But was certaiunly happy to see that number.

The embryologist then walked in soon afterwards – same lady as last time. She asked if my husband would be joining me and I called him real quick to check on his status. He was just walking through the door – what wonderful timing!

She told us then, well, your embie looks GREAT. She said it had already hatched so it is definitely fully ready to implant right away. She said that the ratings for the compact cell mass (that would form the baby) the trophoblast outer shell, and the cavity, which is the 3 criteria they look at, are all rated a B, and it is really a B+, where some might feel it is an A. She said that rating a frozen embie is like having someone enter a beauty contest right after they have been through a blizzard. So not really fair to the embie, since it had to go through the tough process of freezing AND thawing, but this one happens to look really great. She gave us a picture of it, which I will need to scan in some time after my bed rest is over. The embie looked really huge. I guess it was a real close up! As always, it was pretty exciting to see it.

Soon, the RE walked in and asked if we are ready to start and if we have any questions first. We asked a few questions, like whether bedrest means I have to be totally flat on my back or whether I can be propped up. he said I can be in any position, back, side, front, but he would prefer totally flat, as this is the way they’ve always done it. At least for the first 24 hours and then I can resume light activity. The nurse had already gone through the discharge instructions with me earlier and I had asked if I can walk on the theadmill after the first 24 hours and she said unfortunately no – not until the pregnancy test. I shouldnt do anythign to get my heartrate too high up and to try to avoid lifting anything over 10 pounds. I guess that means my 30 pound DD will stay on the floor…
We asked the RE about my blood pressure, expressing concern that I had seen higher readings lately and he said it really won’t matter in terms of getting pregnant, but once pregnant of course the doctor would monitor blood pressure and make sure it stays low. I asked if something can bee done if it stays high and he said most definitely – I can be put on meds if necessary. Well, at least I know it can get under control.

Dh put on his space suit and we were ready to start pretty quickly! I got to wear a cool mushroom hat too. The nurse and DH wheeled me into the operating room and I alredy knew the drill of how to get set up.
The RE was in shortly and we began! I had my regular doctor this time and I must admit I like him SO much better. He explained everything as he did it and makes you feel totally at ease. This time the speculum was warm just like on my fresh cycle (yes!). Honestly, I barely felt aything. I just kind of serenely prayed the entire time that it goes smoothly.

And it really did. The ambryologist brought in my embie and they gently placed it inside. I didn’t feel a thing. In less than 5 minutes, I was being wheeled out again.
I was back in the room at 7:50. The RE came in again and Dh and I asked a few more questions. Dh was curious about the process of how they know that the embie is gone once they have inserted it into me, and he said that they flush the tube that it was in and study the liquid in a petri dish to make sure the embie is not in there. I asked how big the embie is. He said that you still need a microscope to see it so it is still pretty small, but not a very powerful miscroscope. I said that it is incredible that it becomes so huge in 9 months and he said it definitely is.

The nurse left me to relax and Dh and I just spent the hour talking. I was watching the clock as the last 20 minutes got pretty uncomfortable and I was waiting to use the bathroom. Exactly at 8:50 I pressed the button to call the nurse (she told me to press it if I need her at all) and the lovely nurse came back in, saying she was actually just coming in anyway. She told us we’re all set and ready to go! I could just get dressed and leave.
I didn’t even get a wheel chair this time. Dh and I pretty much just walked out. I asked up front if it was OK for me to drive myself home (since we had brought 2 cars) and surprisingly, after she checked, we were given the go ahead! In the end though we decided that DH would drive me home anyway and we’ll just pick the car up over the weekend. I enjoyed the company of the drive anyway.

When we got in the car, I realized I had left my water in the room. I was suddenly sentimental about it (yup, I’m crazy that way) and asked Dh to go get it, which he did. It was then that he told me that we had been in room 2 – I had thought it was room 1.

We drove home and I went straight to the couch and to eating pineapple. And that’s pretty much bringing it right up to date with…. NOW. I am gonna try to listen to the Anji CD today and just relax.

Stick little embie! Its nice to know that it is in me right now. And hopefully will be for the next 9 months…

May 29, 2009 at 9:30 am 5 comments

Thaw Day…

I thought several times today about the fact that this is the day our embie starts its journey from being thawed to the final reunion with its mom! I also thought about the fact that our transfer day “could” have been today, which is kind of surreal. I keep wondering, did I change some time continuem or something by changing the day to tomorrow? I guess I’ll never know.

I’ve been eating pineapple as I have been reading that it is good for implantation. Not sure if I have to eat it before or after transfer, so I started before to be on the safe side.
I’m a little worried about my blood pressure – I’ve seen some higher than normal for me readings of late and yesterday spent a scary time reading all about how horrible it is to have high blood pressure during pregnancy. I will bring this up tomorrow and of course do whatever I can to help it get back to where I’d always had it. My blood pressure during my pregnancy was stellar with readings like 116 over 69 and such. But today, in a grocery store I saw 140 over 90!! The second reading is always much lower. I don’t know why.

Anyway.. I know that one thing that rises it is stress, and it sure is hard for a control freak like me to not stress before a big day. We just got done filling out forms with DH and I almost flipped out when I saw that he had checked the box that it is OK to leave messages on our home phone. Cell phone is OK with me, but not home phone! He seemed to wonder why its such a big deal, but I found it as an excuse to have a mini meltdown.

Trying to get everything ready for tomorrow (gotta be up at 5:45am) and hoping I don’t forget anything!

Next up… transfer day!

May 28, 2009 at 10:00 pm 1 comment

Logistics!

The big day is coming up pretty fast. Today it hit me that it is the day after tomorrow and I need to make sure all my ducks are in a row. I called the lab to find out when I need to show up and they said it will be pretty early, as early as 6am. It suddenly dawned on me that DD’s childcare doesn’t open that early!

We talked back and forth and it looks like I will have to come in at 7am with the transfer being at 7:45. DD’s childcare opens at 7am too. Hmm…
DH and I started thinking about options on how to handle the logistics.
They told me I could go there with DD if necessary and some couples do that. But that would mean DH will have to watch her the entire time and not even go into the room for the transfer. Really not our preferrence.
Our current thought is that I’m gonna drive up there myself early and then DH will drop DD off and haul butt to get to the lab as soon as he can after that. Its about a 25 minute drive, so hopefully it will be OK. Afterwards we’ll have to leave the car and come get it another day. Why is it so complicated.

I was trying to think about everything else we need to get done before the day. We’ll have to wake up pretty early and I don’t want to be rushing around last minute. We need to have everything ready to go, paperwork filled out and on and on. After all, I don’t want my dream coming true (haha). The crazy wacky dream that is, where I was way late for the transfer.

I’m sure we’ll make it on time somehow. It just requires a little work right now to get everything organized. That’s the thing about these “big days”… one really has to prepare ahead of time for them and make plans A, B and C.

One day to go…..

May 27, 2009 at 8:57 pm 1 comment

Yet another dream?

Ok, this blog is NOT about to become an account of every wacky dream I have, I promise! 🙂

Just that this morning I woke up after yet ANOTHER wacky dream about the FET cycle, so how can I not mention it? I guess the cycle is really in my subconcious somewhere, even though during the day there are enough distractions to keep me from obsessing over it for sure.

So this time, I dreamt that it was transfer day – and of course we were in a completely different environment, living in some totally different city. And my transfer was at 8pm (in the evening!) and for some reason, at 8:15 I was still at home, running terribly late and trying to jump into the car to get there. So of course DH is driving like a mad dog through this unfamiliar city, making wrong turns, getting in traffic jams etc, while I am on my cell phone calling them and telling them I’ll be RIGHT there and freaking out completely.
So we get there some time before 9 and they tell me, they are sorry but transfers are a very time sensitive process and I missed my window. So I am TOTALLY flipping out and just going insane yelling that they simply HAVE to transfer and how can this just totally ruin my entire cycle. And they keep going sorry, but it really should have been done at 8 sharp. So I say, you can’t just let my thawed embie die – you HAVE to transfer it, no matter what chance it has got. So finally, they agree listening to that logic, and I am SO totally grateful and get into this long waiting room with a bunch of women about to undergo their transfers.
Then I talk to the nurse and ask her about my embie and she tells me, this is really not typical and not normal, but they had to thaw out THREE before they finally got this one, cause the first 3 didn’t make it. I’m like WHAT! And she says, but the good thing is that the one thawed is an ABB – a really great rating.
And then right as I’m processing all that info, I get approached by some chineese looking staff member again who tells me he’s very sorry, but they changed their minds and cannot do the transfer and that’s final. It should have been done at 8 o’clock.
At that point I’m in total shock, saying what you are telling me is that FOUR embies got used up on this cycle that is completely cancelled? And he says yes, you’ve now got one left.

On that note I wake up.
It is truly relieving to wake up from dreams like this, where you are so thankful for reality when you realize none of it was real.
I do remember the opposite though. Times when I woke up to my reality and wished my dream had been true.

For some reason though, both scenarios are stressful experiences. I’m kind of hoping that I dream about something else other than my FET cycle tonight.
As long as it is not about my weight… even though I’ve been in the gym pretty religeously, I seem to have noticed a weight GAIN instead of a loss! Ugh. Won’t think about it, and will just keep trying to do the best that I can. That’s all I can do.

Starting progesterone suppositories tonight – fun!

May 23, 2009 at 10:16 pm 2 comments

Triggered!

This morning I got a bright LH positive on my OPK kit. I definitely feel that this cycle will be much more in line with my body’s natural pattern, since the last time around I was triggered on day 10. Maybe it is a good thing I pushed things off by a day, although admitedly, it felt wierd to have changed anything in any way. I tend to always wonder whether I did the right thing, and so as much of a control freak as I am, sometimes it s a lot easier when things are OUT of my control.

But that said, according to my body anyway, today might have been the “right” day for the trigger for sure. So at 7:15 this evening, DH gave me the shot! (I was paranoid about forgetting to do it because something would come up or whatever, so we did it on the earlier side of the window (which was between 7 and 9). So now it is all set up and ready to go! And we are all ready to bring our embie home a week from today.

So that’s our current status, and now that the important stuff is out the way, i simply have to talk about this utterly wacky dream I had last night! I dreamt that Dh and I were shape shifters without any control as to when we would take what form. He would turn into a lion and I would turn into some kind of frog. When we were in our animal form, he was always trying to kill me and it was like some horror movie trying to get away from him. When in our human form though, we were just fatally attracted to each other and all we could do was TTC 😀 lol (even though we were undergoing this FET cycle all at the same time!!)
And the other wacky part to this dream – each and every day all the women that I communicate with on a forum who are doing a FET this month would meet up in this Mexican cantina – so instead of chatting on a forum we were all meeting up live to discuss our cycles. Everyone one of these women in person was DROP DEAD gorgeous!!!! And EVERYone was getting BFPs. So it wasnt even about getting the BFP, it was more like – everyone was waiting to find out, twins or singleton!

Wow, well the second part of the dream I’d love to come true for sure 🙂 (Not sure about the turning into a frog part and having to run for dear life from my lion husband…..)

May 22, 2009 at 10:29 pm 1 comment

All set to go!

Today is CD 11 and the day of our appt. This morning I tested with an ovulation kit for the heck of it and it was still negative, but I saw a definite sign that my body is gearing up – ewcm. We got in for our ultrasound  to check on the lining and follicle maturity, and sure enough, I have a 20mm follicle in my right ovary and 11.8 lining! Everything looked good and nurse told us to go ahead and trigger tonight and have our transfer on the 28th.

As it turns out, transferring on the 29th will be much better for me, so I asked if that was a possibility to wait one more day and trigger tomorrow. At first she said, everything looks good now, so lets go with it, but then she went to check with the RE and he said he doesnt have a problem doing it on Friday instead and that it should still be good.

So all my dates got shifted by one day, except for my beta which was gonna be Friday the 5th and will now instead get shifted all the way to Monday the 8th because of the weekend.

I was fine with all that and happy that I could get the day that works better for me. So… I’m all ready to go!

I must say that these couple of weeks flew by. I guess technically, it was less than a couple of weeks. If there is a good side to the craziness of life, is that it keeps you so busy that there hasn’t been time to notice how time actually went by. Too much was going on and enough happened in this short time to definitely take up all my attention.

Of course, I always thought about this cycle in the back of my mind. Another friend annouced her pregnancy over the weekend and of course I wondered if maybe this month will end up being my month too. I guess we’re about to find out.

The great this is I definitely feel ready. Although I’m sure my body would say otherwise. I’m still not anywhere near the ideal physical form I’d hoped to be at before going through the grueling process of bringing life into the world. But I’ve sure learned life can’t perfectly perfect unfortunately. I feel blessed that we are able to attempt another FET so quickly, and if it is meant to be, I sure won’t be questioning my current form.

The great thing is I competely stopped drinking coffee and noticed a great positive change in my overall blood pressure readings. I had had great blood pressure during pregnancy, but of late have noticed some higher readings here and there, which I realized might be the result that I live on coffee sometimes to deal with the lack of sleep. Of course all caffeine flew out the window a while back, and while I am definitely more tired, I have noticed that the last reading has definitely improved.

The other great thing? Well, funny, but Dh and I went to see a movie at the theatre today! Why do I even mention this? Because it is the FIRST TIME since DD was born. Yup…. I’m not kidding.

And I want another one?

Yup.

May 21, 2009 at 9:45 pm 3 comments

Older Posts


Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

UPDATE:
25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506


UPDATE:
Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
May 2009
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