Pineapples, Toddlers, and Fears…. Oh My…

Well, I am on day two. Somehow, with the transfer just being so fresh, it doesnt quite feel like the 2 week wait just yet – more of trying to take care of myself and rest and try to nurture that embie.

Which is hard with a toddler, I must say. Yesterday after gingerly laying on the couch all day and eating enough pineapple to warrant the openning of another pineapple plantation, my 30 pound toddler comes home and decides to climb atop of me and ride me horsy style (bounce up and down atop my tummy). Dh, on the other side of the room, leaped over like a lion to get her off, and was so horrified and upset he exclaimed “Well, there goes out embie!”
I was so worried and upset, I spent a good portion of the night researching similar cases that hopefully had had a good outcome. All I could think of was my poor embie that might have been trying to implant, when suddenly jolted out of its track.
But oh well, I realized after a while, there is no point stressing over it and I don’t even know if this would necessarily impact the outcome. I’ll just be as positive as possible. I was told that the embie is like a grain of sand in a sandwich (the womb) and that its real tight in there and won’t fall out. I somehow hadn’t really realized that the womb is a “sandwich” that way until I was told yesterday. I feel stupid. Iguess I never really thought about it and only envisioend the diagrams with the cross section that shows a huge cavity inside the uterus. Not really thinking that the cross section the other way has the uterus like a sandwhich wall to wall….

Anyway, enough about sandwiches.
I have calmed enough today to take it a little more easy and of course hope for the best. I really do hope it works out and that the embie is busy nestling in there.
This mornign I woke up right at the time my transfer was yesterday and the first thing I thought is that yup, its been 24 hours. I didn’t have to lay flat anymore and could get up and walk around – that was nice.

We also picked up the car today. Since we all went together with DD, it dawned on me that she hadn’t been back to that area (at least I don’t think so) since the day SHE was the little embie that implanted within me. Its so surreal really. Today she is this little person, with this most amazing personality that we discover more and more about every day. It is mindboggling that she was that embie. I truly think it is the most amazing thing about life.

I am not looking forward to the days leading up to the big result. They are always really hard somehow. The transfer is well enough behind you to not feel like it is the current thing going on and the thing to focus on. Instead it is all about the mind game …. to be or not to be. And that period right up until the last moment when you finally know somehow is terribly emotionally taxing.

But oh well… one day at a time. Today I’m still just trying to nurture that embie and hope that it is implanting within…

Transfer!

Well it is 9:45am and I am already back home lying flat on the couch, with an already cleared bowl of pineapple next to me. I’ve brought my embie home.

This morning I woke up around 5:40am or so. The night was not really restful as I would wake or DH would wake and DD woke up at 3:30 and I ended up just bringing her to lie next to me cause it was the fastest way to get some sleep.
Once again, I had a dream, that I was in some weird environment at work and suddenly at 2pm, I thought, dont I need to take another shot today? So I started calling the office when it suddenly hit me, oh crap, I had a transfer at 7:45 this morning!!! I missed it!!!
It was good to wake up alarmed and look at the clock and see it was only 5am. I hadnt missed it – I could still make it!

That said, I still was running a little late. They wanted me there by 6:45 and no later than 7am. We got a very dissoriented DD up at 6:15 or so, so that she could have breakfast and have DH drop her off at 7 on the dot and then rush to try to join me before my transfer. We tried to all have breakfast together, although she didn’t want any. At least she gave me a kiss before I left. 🙂 I rushed out of the house a little after 6:30 and then realized I forgot my phone! I rushed back ringing the doorbell a millino times and knocking and then rushing to find it and zoom out of the house again. I was officially stressing. The clock said 6:43 or so, and I knew it could taqke 25 minutes.

I prayed to God and tried to calm myself as much as I could. Miraculously, almost every single one of the zillion lights was green and I was able to avoid a lot of the stop and go. Every minute, I would look down on my clock and see one more minute go by. I called the lab but they dont answer phones till 8am. Crap.
Meanwhile DH had left the house as well to drop off DD. This was the first time we were heading over there in separate cars.

The clock finally showed 7am and I still wasn’t there, but close. I was holding my breath and torpedo-ed into the parking lot at a little after 7. I then ran to get in but the door was locked. Yikes! Before I could panick though, I felt some mechanism unlock and the door got openl I walked into the lobby, still noone inside. But then the door on the other side unlocked very quickly and there was a smiling nurse there ready to greet me. I told her I was trying to make it as soon as I could and she waved it off saying not to worry at all and that I should not stress in the least. “No stressing here!”
I was put in room 2, and somehow then felt like OK, I’ve made it. My nightmares wont be coming true after all. I was in the room at 7:07.

I changed into my gown and we went over the fun paperwork part before DH got there. Just the usual stuff, while I tried to destress myself from being so freaked that I was late. I told the nurse I always have these dreams before transfer and she told me that she has the same whenever she has to take a plane flight the next dayl She is from Italy and would dream that she missed the plane or forgot her passport. At least Im not alone 🙂
She got ready to take my blood pressure. I thought oh Lord, I haven’t even yet calmed down and my reading of late had already been so high, I bet their machine is about to explode right now. I watched it on the screen and the numbers finally appeared. 137/70!! WOW. I had NEVER ever had a reading this low in this lab. Every time I’ve been here for a procedure (this was the 4th time in total), my numbers were always through the roof, which they said they see ALL the tiem because the patients are so excited at the time, so they dont really pay it any attention. Surprisingly, on the day that I drive myself, run late, and have had higher than normal readings of late to boot, my reading comes out OK! I even asked if the machine was OK. But was certaiunly happy to see that number.

The embryologist then walked in soon afterwards – same lady as last time. She asked if my husband would be joining me and I called him real quick to check on his status. He was just walking through the door – what wonderful timing!

She told us then, well, your embie looks GREAT. She said it had already hatched so it is definitely fully ready to implant right away. She said that the ratings for the compact cell mass (that would form the baby) the trophoblast outer shell, and the cavity, which is the 3 criteria they look at, are all rated a B, and it is really a B+, where some might feel it is an A. She said that rating a frozen embie is like having someone enter a beauty contest right after they have been through a blizzard. So not really fair to the embie, since it had to go through the tough process of freezing AND thawing, but this one happens to look really great. She gave us a picture of it, which I will need to scan in some time after my bed rest is over. The embie looked really huge. I guess it was a real close up! As always, it was pretty exciting to see it.

Soon, the RE walked in and asked if we are ready to start and if we have any questions first. We asked a few questions, like whether bedrest means I have to be totally flat on my back or whether I can be propped up. he said I can be in any position, back, side, front, but he would prefer totally flat, as this is the way they’ve always done it. At least for the first 24 hours and then I can resume light activity. The nurse had already gone through the discharge instructions with me earlier and I had asked if I can walk on the theadmill after the first 24 hours and she said unfortunately no – not until the pregnancy test. I shouldnt do anythign to get my heartrate too high up and to try to avoid lifting anything over 10 pounds. I guess that means my 30 pound DD will stay on the floor…
We asked the RE about my blood pressure, expressing concern that I had seen higher readings lately and he said it really won’t matter in terms of getting pregnant, but once pregnant of course the doctor would monitor blood pressure and make sure it stays low. I asked if something can bee done if it stays high and he said most definitely – I can be put on meds if necessary. Well, at least I know it can get under control.

Dh put on his space suit and we were ready to start pretty quickly! I got to wear a cool mushroom hat too. The nurse and DH wheeled me into the operating room and I alredy knew the drill of how to get set up.
The RE was in shortly and we began! I had my regular doctor this time and I must admit I like him SO much better. He explained everything as he did it and makes you feel totally at ease. This time the speculum was warm just like on my fresh cycle (yes!). Honestly, I barely felt aything. I just kind of serenely prayed the entire time that it goes smoothly.

And it really did. The ambryologist brought in my embie and they gently placed it inside. I didn’t feel a thing. In less than 5 minutes, I was being wheeled out again.
I was back in the room at 7:50. The RE came in again and Dh and I asked a few more questions. Dh was curious about the process of how they know that the embie is gone once they have inserted it into me, and he said that they flush the tube that it was in and study the liquid in a petri dish to make sure the embie is not in there. I asked how big the embie is. He said that you still need a microscope to see it so it is still pretty small, but not a very powerful miscroscope. I said that it is incredible that it becomes so huge in 9 months and he said it definitely is.

The nurse left me to relax and Dh and I just spent the hour talking. I was watching the clock as the last 20 minutes got pretty uncomfortable and I was waiting to use the bathroom. Exactly at 8:50 I pressed the button to call the nurse (she told me to press it if I need her at all) and the lovely nurse came back in, saying she was actually just coming in anyway. She told us we’re all set and ready to go! I could just get dressed and leave.
I didn’t even get a wheel chair this time. Dh and I pretty much just walked out. I asked up front if it was OK for me to drive myself home (since we had brought 2 cars) and surprisingly, after she checked, we were given the go ahead! In the end though we decided that DH would drive me home anyway and we’ll just pick the car up over the weekend. I enjoyed the company of the drive anyway.

When we got in the car, I realized I had left my water in the room. I was suddenly sentimental about it (yup, I’m crazy that way) and asked Dh to go get it, which he did. It was then that he told me that we had been in room 2 – I had thought it was room 1.

We drove home and I went straight to the couch and to eating pineapple. And that’s pretty much bringing it right up to date with…. NOW. I am gonna try to listen to the Anji CD today and just relax.

Stick little embie! Its nice to know that it is in me right now. And hopefully will be for the next 9 months…

Thaw Day…

I thought several times today about the fact that this is the day our embie starts its journey from being thawed to the final reunion with its mom! I also thought about the fact that our transfer day “could” have been today, which is kind of surreal. I keep wondering, did I change some time continuem or something by changing the day to tomorrow? I guess I’ll never know.

I’ve been eating pineapple as I have been reading that it is good for implantation. Not sure if I have to eat it before or after transfer, so I started before to be on the safe side.
I’m a little worried about my blood pressure – I’ve seen some higher than normal for me readings of late and yesterday spent a scary time reading all about how horrible it is to have high blood pressure during pregnancy. I will bring this up tomorrow and of course do whatever I can to help it get back to where I’d always had it. My blood pressure during my pregnancy was stellar with readings like 116 over 69 and such. But today, in a grocery store I saw 140 over 90!! The second reading is always much lower. I don’t know why.

Anyway.. I know that one thing that rises it is stress, and it sure is hard for a control freak like me to not stress before a big day. We just got done filling out forms with DH and I almost flipped out when I saw that he had checked the box that it is OK to leave messages on our home phone. Cell phone is OK with me, but not home phone! He seemed to wonder why its such a big deal, but I found it as an excuse to have a mini meltdown.

Trying to get everything ready for tomorrow (gotta be up at 5:45am) and hoping I don’t forget anything!

Next up… transfer day!

Logistics!

The big day is coming up pretty fast. Today it hit me that it is the day after tomorrow and I need to make sure all my ducks are in a row. I called the lab to find out when I need to show up and they said it will be pretty early, as early as 6am. It suddenly dawned on me that DD’s childcare doesn’t open that early!

We talked back and forth and it looks like I will have to come in at 7am with the transfer being at 7:45. DD’s childcare opens at 7am too. Hmm…
DH and I started thinking about options on how to handle the logistics.
They told me I could go there with DD if necessary and some couples do that. But that would mean DH will have to watch her the entire time and not even go into the room for the transfer. Really not our preferrence.
Our current thought is that I’m gonna drive up there myself early and then DH will drop DD off and haul butt to get to the lab as soon as he can after that. Its about a 25 minute drive, so hopefully it will be OK. Afterwards we’ll have to leave the car and come get it another day. Why is it so complicated.

I was trying to think about everything else we need to get done before the day. We’ll have to wake up pretty early and I don’t want to be rushing around last minute. We need to have everything ready to go, paperwork filled out and on and on. After all, I don’t want my dream coming true (haha). The crazy wacky dream that is, where I was way late for the transfer.

I’m sure we’ll make it on time somehow. It just requires a little work right now to get everything organized. That’s the thing about these “big days”… one really has to prepare ahead of time for them and make plans A, B and C.

One day to go…..

Yet another dream?

Ok, this blog is NOT about to become an account of every wacky dream I have, I promise! 🙂

Just that this morning I woke up after yet ANOTHER wacky dream about the FET cycle, so how can I not mention it? I guess the cycle is really in my subconcious somewhere, even though during the day there are enough distractions to keep me from obsessing over it for sure.

So this time, I dreamt that it was transfer day – and of course we were in a completely different environment, living in some totally different city. And my transfer was at 8pm (in the evening!) and for some reason, at 8:15 I was still at home, running terribly late and trying to jump into the car to get there. So of course DH is driving like a mad dog through this unfamiliar city, making wrong turns, getting in traffic jams etc, while I am on my cell phone calling them and telling them I’ll be RIGHT there and freaking out completely.
So we get there some time before 9 and they tell me, they are sorry but transfers are a very time sensitive process and I missed my window. So I am TOTALLY flipping out and just going insane yelling that they simply HAVE to transfer and how can this just totally ruin my entire cycle. And they keep going sorry, but it really should have been done at 8 sharp. So I say, you can’t just let my thawed embie die – you HAVE to transfer it, no matter what chance it has got. So finally, they agree listening to that logic, and I am SO totally grateful and get into this long waiting room with a bunch of women about to undergo their transfers.
Then I talk to the nurse and ask her about my embie and she tells me, this is really not typical and not normal, but they had to thaw out THREE before they finally got this one, cause the first 3 didn’t make it. I’m like WHAT! And she says, but the good thing is that the one thawed is an ABB – a really great rating.
And then right as I’m processing all that info, I get approached by some chineese looking staff member again who tells me he’s very sorry, but they changed their minds and cannot do the transfer and that’s final. It should have been done at 8 o’clock.
At that point I’m in total shock, saying what you are telling me is that FOUR embies got used up on this cycle that is completely cancelled? And he says yes, you’ve now got one left.

On that note I wake up.
It is truly relieving to wake up from dreams like this, where you are so thankful for reality when you realize none of it was real.
I do remember the opposite though. Times when I woke up to my reality and wished my dream had been true.

For some reason though, both scenarios are stressful experiences. I’m kind of hoping that I dream about something else other than my FET cycle tonight.
As long as it is not about my weight… even though I’ve been in the gym pretty religeously, I seem to have noticed a weight GAIN instead of a loss! Ugh. Won’t think about it, and will just keep trying to do the best that I can. That’s all I can do.

Starting progesterone suppositories tonight – fun!

Triggered!

This morning I got a bright LH positive on my OPK kit. I definitely feel that this cycle will be much more in line with my body’s natural pattern, since the last time around I was triggered on day 10. Maybe it is a good thing I pushed things off by a day, although admitedly, it felt wierd to have changed anything in any way. I tend to always wonder whether I did the right thing, and so as much of a control freak as I am, sometimes it s a lot easier when things are OUT of my control.

But that said, according to my body anyway, today might have been the “right” day for the trigger for sure. So at 7:15 this evening, DH gave me the shot! (I was paranoid about forgetting to do it because something would come up or whatever, so we did it on the earlier side of the window (which was between 7 and 9). So now it is all set up and ready to go! And we are all ready to bring our embie home a week from today.

So that’s our current status, and now that the important stuff is out the way, i simply have to talk about this utterly wacky dream I had last night! I dreamt that Dh and I were shape shifters without any control as to when we would take what form. He would turn into a lion and I would turn into some kind of frog. When we were in our animal form, he was always trying to kill me and it was like some horror movie trying to get away from him. When in our human form though, we were just fatally attracted to each other and all we could do was TTC 😀 lol (even though we were undergoing this FET cycle all at the same time!!)
And the other wacky part to this dream – each and every day all the women that I communicate with on a forum who are doing a FET this month would meet up in this Mexican cantina – so instead of chatting on a forum we were all meeting up live to discuss our cycles. Everyone one of these women in person was DROP DEAD gorgeous!!!! And EVERYone was getting BFPs. So it wasnt even about getting the BFP, it was more like – everyone was waiting to find out, twins or singleton!

Wow, well the second part of the dream I’d love to come true for sure 🙂 (Not sure about the turning into a frog part and having to run for dear life from my lion husband…..)

All set to go!

Today is CD 11 and the day of our appt. This morning I tested with an ovulation kit for the heck of it and it was still negative, but I saw a definite sign that my body is gearing up – ewcm. We got in for our ultrasound  to check on the lining and follicle maturity, and sure enough, I have a 20mm follicle in my right ovary and 11.8 lining! Everything looked good and nurse told us to go ahead and trigger tonight and have our transfer on the 28th.

As it turns out, transferring on the 29th will be much better for me, so I asked if that was a possibility to wait one more day and trigger tomorrow. At first she said, everything looks good now, so lets go with it, but then she went to check with the RE and he said he doesnt have a problem doing it on Friday instead and that it should still be good.

So all my dates got shifted by one day, except for my beta which was gonna be Friday the 5th and will now instead get shifted all the way to Monday the 8th because of the weekend.

I was fine with all that and happy that I could get the day that works better for me. So… I’m all ready to go!

I must say that these couple of weeks flew by. I guess technically, it was less than a couple of weeks. If there is a good side to the craziness of life, is that it keeps you so busy that there hasn’t been time to notice how time actually went by. Too much was going on and enough happened in this short time to definitely take up all my attention.

Of course, I always thought about this cycle in the back of my mind. Another friend annouced her pregnancy over the weekend and of course I wondered if maybe this month will end up being my month too. I guess we’re about to find out.

The great this is I definitely feel ready. Although I’m sure my body would say otherwise. I’m still not anywhere near the ideal physical form I’d hoped to be at before going through the grueling process of bringing life into the world. But I’ve sure learned life can’t perfectly perfect unfortunately. I feel blessed that we are able to attempt another FET so quickly, and if it is meant to be, I sure won’t be questioning my current form.

The great thing is I competely stopped drinking coffee and noticed a great positive change in my overall blood pressure readings. I had had great blood pressure during pregnancy, but of late have noticed some higher readings here and there, which I realized might be the result that I live on coffee sometimes to deal with the lack of sleep. Of course all caffeine flew out the window a while back, and while I am definitely more tired, I have noticed that the last reading has definitely improved.

The other great thing? Well, funny, but Dh and I went to see a movie at the theatre today! Why do I even mention this? Because it is the FIRST TIME since DD was born. Yup…. I’m not kidding.

And I want another one?

Yup.

Regrouping…. (our consultation)

The first thing our RE wanted to discuss when we walked through the door to his office is the possible reasons the cycle did not work. He asked if transfer was painful to me in any way. Not really…
Since we had a great embie and great lining and all of that, he explained that it could be that the embie kind of just “stopped”, even though it had been doing well earlier, which he said is the most likely reason. Or that maybe it did not like the lining or something about it. Or the the uterus shoved it somewhere to a place it didn’t like – or whatever. Whatever it was, I guess we’ll never know. And its still somehow sad to me that I know for sure now that THIS one is gone forever. I try not to be too attached (since I had 6 to begin with, I know that going through their fate, whatever it is each time, might kill me). But I just have to accept that this one wasn’t meant to be.

He discussed what can be done to improve chances. Mainly two things really – doing a medicated cycle, or transferring more than one, or both. I asked why a medicated cycle really improves chances (I had read stats that it doesn’t make a difference). He said that he doesn’t really know why, but for some reason, typically it does and is the “golden standard” of FETs. He said that he doesn’t see a reason though why we can’t do another “natural” try.
I’m glad he said so, since that was my preference and I was hoping not to hear otherwise. I know I make a pretty good lining on my own, and other than hoping that transfer doesn’t fall on a weekend (when they don’t do them), I should be good. From the looks of it, for this cycle, things should work out in terms of the days.

I asked lots of questions as to what can affect outcome. Stress? BMI? Caffeine? Anything?? Stress, he said they can’t measure unfortunately, so there is no study to say either way. BMI can, if TOO high or TOO low, but he didn’t think I was in the risk category. And as for caffeine, he said that it doesn’t affect chances, but has been shown to raise chances of miscarriage, so to probably not have more than one coffee cup a day. That’s OK – I had already vowed off caffeine and didn’t drink anything but decaff after my transfer.

Of course we asked about the chances of multiples if two are transferred and he said somewhere in the neighborhood of 25-30%. The overall success rate for FETs was running at 50-55% but that was for both single and double embie transfers.

I asked if a two cycles of one for each adds up to a single cycle of two at once, and he said not exactly. That for some reason, transferring two gives higher odds also because the embryos secrete something to help them attach to the uterus and that it is believed that with both of them producing the hormone, it increases chances, even if one serves only to aid the other. Hmm.. I didn’t know that.

Having DD already of course, I know that we would rather avoid chances of twins and a toddler if possible. The RE had to tell us the funny side of facts that when couples come in the first time around, they usually REALLY want twins, but the ones who come in for a FET after already having had a child, they definitely want to avoid 2. It would be a decision we will have to make before our next transfer, which from the looks of things, will be pretty soon.

Since the RE approved us for another natural try, we will go through the entire procedure again, deja vu style. I will be going on for my sonogram next week and transfer will be scheduled accordingly if my body is ready.

I asked about other protocols that are available for FET, and he said there were lots of them and talked about them. It seemed that the main difference was in the way estrogen was administered – oral, patches, injections, etc. Regardless, a medicated cycle always actually took up TWO cycles, because you have to start lupron to shut your body down on cycle day 21 in order to have the NEXT cycle be the cycle of your FET. What this means, is that with medicated cycles, essentially your transfer dates would be no closer than 2 months apart.

Its weird with TTC number 2. Even though I feel like I have done all this before, its somehow still new terriroty. Because FETs are an entirely new thing to me, and also, now I’m thinking about the “gap” between number one and two – with each cycle it of course becomes bigger. I hopefully would not want it too big. Which is why I’m doing this now, even though I’d hardly say I’m at the ideal stage I wanted to be for another pregnancy, not to mention a ton of other “not the ideal time” factors in life. Well… there’s no ideal time. And with everything learned from surviving ttc, ANY time is a blessing.

DH and I did lunch later and discussed our thoughts on number to transfer. While we haven’t decided yet, I know we are leaning towards attempting one again. If that should fail again, we would definitely lean more towards two the next go around. For now… we are still not sure, but have a few days to decide.

I’m sad for the outcome of my previous cycle, but also today, started to feel excited about THIS cycle. Maybe… just maybe.
Lets see how it all unfolds.

Officially Negative

Less than an hour ago, I saw the doctor’s office number on my caller ID and knew the official news was in. The nurse tried to inject some sympathy into her voice as she told me that results came back negative. I wasn’t surprised in the least,  since AF had already arrived earlier today. At least it stayed away from mothers day, although all in all I’m happy it came today if it was meant to come at all, since any day later, would have put some key days for another FET cycle over memorial day weekend here in the US, and I don’t know how that might have affected things. Even now, still not sure if I’ll be able to cycle this cycle, until I know what my RE says.

Early this morning, I had debated whether to test with an hpt one last time just for the heck of it. So what the heck, I did. And saw my negative of course.
I had to go in for my beta anyway. My doctor’s office must be doing things a little differently now, since they sent me to a lab. They used to take blood at their office.

The lab was full of people who were there for all kinds of different reasons. I ended up with a really chatty nurse who happily asked me how my mother’s day was. I thought to myself wow…. what if I didn’t already have a child, and was here from the RE office for bloodwork on what looked like was an obviously failed FET. That question would have rang so much different in my ears… cause mothers day would have been really sad. I realize I am so blessed to have the blessing in my life that I do. But this start of TTC number 2 sure has started to remind me of “the good old days”.

The worry, the wonder or when and what and how.. the not knowing and not being able to plan jack, because you just don’t know what fate has in store for you. And of course… the dissappointments.
This failed cycle somehow affected me more than I thought. It just felt different, from the other BFNs in the past, in knowing that I actually had been given something thriving and alive… so… what happened? Why? I can’t help but feel a sense of guilt of what if it was me. Did my body not give this embie a chance?

When AF arrived I was suddenly hit with this very distressed sadness…. that there was this embie, that was conceived 2.5 years ago and handled with such care all this time, carefully preserved and kept safe., photographed.. and even returned to the place meant for it… to my womb. And now? It’s just going to pass with AF and end up in some trash somewhere? I suddenly really felt a deep sadness. I wish I could give it some proper burial or something. All I have is that picture of it.

I’m sure many people out there who never have to go through this, may think this is all crazy. But you never know how something feels until you face it.

Overall, I’m doing OK though. Its not like I am in deep depression and can’t function. Just sad.

And yet I know I have others that I now have to return to. Planning for it all, is both hard and in some ways impossible. I just have no idea how days will fall and because I am trying to do natural cycles (and my doctors office will likely not transfer on weekends) I feel like I have to jump around a minefield of obstacles.

Up next… we have a consult with our RE day after tomorrow. I will be gathering all my questions and will hopefully hear some positive things that we can plan for future cycles in the way I hope. I will ideally do another natural cycle or two before getting a medicated one, but I ultimately want to do what is best.

The story continues….

Looks like I might have to be at this a little while longer…

Yesterday, I almost broke down and tested. After all, it was the equivalent day of when I got my BFP the last time, and part of me really wanted to know. I even peed into a cup, just in case – so that its there to test if I absolutely *need* to. But somehow, I held out. The point wasn’t that I didn’t want to know… it’s just that, when you are processing some big news from a little stick, you need to have some sort of peace and quiet, in order to deal with it, whatever it is. And being the middle of the work week and a busy day – just didn’t ever feel like the right time.

But I knew I would test today. Right before the weekend gives me enough time to process whatever the outcome.

During the night I had a very vivid dream. It was one of those crazy doesn’t make sense dreams, but somewhere in the middle of the dream we did test and had a huge BFP. I woke up realizing that wasn’t real and that I am yet to find out.
I woke up early, and so almost tested again before work, but decided to hold out till after work. That way, whatever it is, I don’t have to be at work processing the news.

As I drove home, it was a little surreal to think that in a few minutes I will have an idea of the outcome of this cycle. I knew one thing for sure – enough waiting, I really badly wanted to know where I stand. I thought breifly about each scenario and how it would affect me. But yesterday, I had already realized one thing, that I will certainly feel down and sad if it doesn’t work out. So driving home, I tried to prepare myself either way. So that whatever I see… if it happens to be a BFN, I would know how to emotionally deal with it as positively as possible. Yes, I knew that mother’s day might be extra special if it’s a BFP…. but I know I’m already blessed to be a mom. And if it would be a BFN… I needed to find a way to deal with it.

At home, I couldn’t wait a minute longer. No more time to process emotions, just do it. DH and I both tested. I held his hand as the test releaved the result. … BFN. I immediately tried to think as positively as I could. Although part of me was also numb. Still is.

I realize that its not “totally” over yet. My official BETA is not until Monday. I called the office and they told me to not change a thing and continue taking my progesterone until my day of test. I realize that there is a possibility that between now and then.. things might change.

But I cannot also deny that there is a VERY huge chance now that it isn’t gonna happen for us this cycle. In a way, its best to at least be prepared for that kind of outcome over the weekend instead of have it hit me on a Monday at work. I will continue to dutifully take my progesterone and do as they said. But I will also try to be prepared that Monday might not bring any unexpected miracles.

Today is 7dp5dt. Actually, considering that the FET embie is 6 days old, maybe its 7dp6dt? I don’t know. But I know for sure that on the equivalent day of my fresh cycle, a digital test clearly told me “PREGNANT” on the screen. Naturally, I can’t help but compare.
On the other hand, its really weird, because it is technically only cycle day 24. I was triggered on day 10 because my lining was already at 11.4 and follicle at 20mm. So this cycle started really early.

I am prematurely worried that if this cycle is a bust, my next cycle will end up with some key days over memorial weekend here in the US. Which means… will they cancel it somehow? Or tell me no can do?

I’ll try not to think that far just yet. I just have to let God be in control.
It certainly has been disheartening in a way to see the result I did. I do know in my heart that if it had been positive, I would have been elated. No matter what. But that was not my news today.
I guess its good I have a couple days to process that, before trying to let go of everything on mothers day and just enjoying the blessing I have.
And whatever happens from there…. I guess we’ll find out one day at a time.