When I posted on here 9 months ago with my shocking surprise natural pregnancy, I had no idea that the next time I would post would be with the news of the outcome 9 months later! But I thought nobody read this blog anymore. I was very touched and surprised to (only now) see comments on my last post. However, I do wish I had posted somewhere in between especially at big key moments in my journey.
But here I am today with at least a brief main headline update…
MY BABY IS HERE!! And… ITS A BOY!🙂
He’s been here for a few weeks now and it certainly feels like I’ve lived a lifetime already between my last post and now.
So I will be back with another post….. about the details of what happened and the story, and on where I am now today….
I was shocked when I just finally openned up this blog again to see that I have not posted here since 2011. Really? Does time fly that fast that I missed making a single post all of last year?
Its not that I dont think about all the things that this blog documented, every once in a while and with great sentiment. But I guess life got a little too busy and too crazy and posting here became dormant.
But how can I not come back now.
Especially for anyone who ever reads this story, or followed it to begin with…. to know what sometimes happens down the line.
Earlier this year I started realizing that I need to start making some very serious thoughts about my remaining embies (4 blasts), because we’re not getting any younger, time is flying and clocks are ticking. Just thinking those thoughts stressed me out, because to say that I was ready for it would have been the biggest lie. I was seriously out of shape for one and I knew before even considering another pregnancy, I would need to get to where I would want to be for it. But also.. I really didn’t know if I was prepared to sign up for the life with 3. Lets face it, we don’t make babies afterall – we make people. I felt very comfortable with 2. I had my boy and my girl and a life FULL to the brim. So how could I possibly even think about adding to it? My embies stayed on my mind, but I simply wasn’t sure when I would be ready to take that step.
At some point when thinking about the options I simply knew that SOMEhow I would need to go for them. I don’t seem to be emotionally built to have them adopted (through channels I’ve read). I think I would always wonder if I did the right thing and agonize that my child is growing up somewhere without me. At the same time, I knew that going for them is also like playing Russian roulette. What if the first one is a success? I’d still have 3 left and I know I would not be able to responsibly go for yet another. I have to think about my children, our family, and the impact it makes each time. By this summer I was seriously on the fence again about whether I would ever go for it, wondering if I even SHOULD go for it, and what option to end up picking for my life…
Until God made the decision for me.
2 days ago, on Sunday the 23rd, I had the shock of my life to find out that I am…. PREGNANT.
the past few days I had been tired and actually worried about why I am this much. Was it my extra weight? Was it the heat? I didn’t seem like me. I was lying on the couch after having taken my kids out and simply passing out from being tired until it suddenly occurred to me to check (for some crazy reason) when it was my period was due. Its not that I thought that I was pregnant – I just seem to like to freak out every once in a while to see if I’m late, not that I would ever expect that I am – not after surviving ttc. I think the freaking out dates back to when I used to freak out when I was “not” planning pregnancies, and since my cycles were like clockwork and I documented them since I was 11, I always liked knowing when to expect a period and when it wouldn’t show up on time, I’d freak out by default.
I started looking up the last date of AF in the window that I would have expected it to have been – basically, in the last 28 days somewhere. But I didn’t see any notes. So I had to look back further. And suddenly I realized pretty clearly that I am LATE. I am not just late – I am seriously (according to freak out rules) late. Day 34. Now for a cycle that’s usually 27-28 days I had NEVER been this late before in my life… maybe only once that I remember that I was a teenager, but my period had come that morning.
I immediately told DH who was sitting across from me that we need a pregnancy test. He told me to go get one, but of course it wasn’t like he remotely even had a thought that it would turn positive. Honestly neither did I. I sooner thought I was experiencing early menopause – which is exactly what I was thinking as I drove like a mad woman to buy a test at the nearest location. I thought… this is a fluke. Its GOT to be. But for a moment.. just for a moment… let me consider if it isn’t. After all… i have never been this late… not for good reason. For a second I considered it…. I simply basked in being able to even consider it… the way any “typical fertile” woman might. I thought, in a few minutes, I would take the test, it will of course be negative and it will all be over anyways. And probably a good thing too. And I prayed God.. your will be done.
I bought the test (either the location seriously has their prices jacked, or times have sure changed on how much these things cost). I came home and didn’t waste any time and ran immediately to take it. DH asked if I want him there and I said up to him. He decided to come along. I got my cup ready, and barely read the instructions to refresh them in my mind. Hadn’t I done this and gone through this like 1000 times while TTC after all? I should remember how to take a test. I dipped the stick in.. counted…. and before I even put it down flat it was moving and forming… THE LINE. And the first thing that flew out of my mouth to H was “we’re pregnant”.
I am in total shock and disbelief and hit with a million emotions. I’ve heard about it but of course it’s just something that happens to “other people”. There is no way I would have imagined that it would happen to us and to me. My son is now 3. And all this time, even though there were times when pregnancies technically “could” have happened, I was never worried because after all… all those months of trying and ending with IVF proved to me that it doesn’t just happen to us like that. And now I’m also 38. If I had to do a fresh cycle now, even that would be iffy. I had actually thought about that in recent months, that now only am I in the IF category at this point, I now have age to layer atop that. I’d be lucky to get pregnant even with my embies probably. In short… the absolute LAST THING ON EARTH I would have ever imagined…. was my world turning upside down in that instant.. with that.. totally unexpected, totally not-predicted, completely unplanned… BFP!
Whoever is reading this – IT HAPPENS.
The irony I thought, laughing to myself and with DH hours later…. that 8 years ago I was in the trenches of TTC at a young 30 years of age. The irony… that we tried and tried and tried, and TIMED with precision.. where I kept reading that within 4 cycles if you aren’t pregnant, something is certainly wrong. ALL of that. And all that culminating with my journey here, where I was lucky enough in the end, to bring a beautiful baby into this world 9 months later. Then my eventual return (of course!) for my frosties… a failed cycle and the other resulting in my DS. Getting pregnant this way… was all I knew.
Here I am…. down the line 7 years later.. at 38… and completely surprised with a totally NATURAL pregnancy. That wasn’t even remotely due to TTC either.
It just…. OOPS…. happened!
As I write this… I have calculated that I am a little over 5 weeks along. Of course, anything could happen at this point still. And after all I’m not new to the concept of miscarriages and had been shocked with that kind of experience in the past too. We have not told anyone yet… not even our kids. And I sit tight as this new story begins to unfold. But one thing that nooone can now ever take away from me.. is that DH and I can now say something we thought we would never be able to… that we conceived entirely on our own! And without even trying. For someone who went the IVF route… that is just as shocking as the surprise pregnancy itself.
I know I have lots to think about now… not to mention reroute my mind into having to see life with 3 as no longer an abstract concept, but as a pending reality..
I also have to face the reality that I am in the worst shape starting out.. and as of Sunday, I have made myself the priority again.. something I had not in years…. because I realize now that I have to make the best choices I possibly can for my health and that of this baby..
All the things I preoccupied myself with prior to this, have now been obliterated by being hit like a freight train with this completely unexpected event of life.
But whatever it is.. and whatever happens… I will embrace it.
And I guess its back to this blog… as I document this ongoing story… of Surviving TTC.. and things that happen down the road in life, when you wait long enough!
I write here once in a blue moon to give updates and share emotions as life goes on – the fact is, life has just become too hectic, especially these last couple of years and there’s barely enough time to do what I have to do. But on days like this, I always wish I wrote here more often, and of course I always remember these marker points that are now forever a very special part of my history.
I have meant to write on here so many times.
Life with two kids (and everything else) kind of made it fall off the bandwagon.
But my little DS, my little frostie, turned one almost 2 months ago now (Yes, I had meant to write here on that sentimental day too).
When I started this blog over 4 and half years ago, I remember how badly I wanted to have this part of life over with already. TTC had been without a doubt, grueling, depressing, uncertain process and coincided with some of the most depressing time of my life. I saw IVF as the ultimately difficult thing to face, something I never knew I would, and of course anyone having been through the process knows that the day by day journey of going through it, never knowing what the next day’s news would be, and the wait game of having to wait to find out, becomes something you just try to survive, day by day. Starting this blog was supposed to help me get through it somehow and process my emotions, be able to have others out there support me and relate.
What I never realized is that the journey, the blog and that whole new beginning would end up becoming one of the most precious and sacred parts of my life. One that I would actually hold on to, and be so very sad to let go of. My journey on my unforgettable IVF cycle ended up with the most special story of my life, which did end with happiness and with some of the best memories of my life that ensued. I never for once took it, or happiness for granted because I knew exactly what it was like to be on the other end. And because of that, I also became extra aware that happiness is not a permanent state of life, and to just grab it and hold on to it when it is there.
Having been so focused on TTC, of course pregnancy and having a baby became synonymous with “happiness” for me. It was what I had been trying to achieve for so long. So of course having my second one turn one has been accompanied with quite a good amount of “letting go” of this stage of life. There are times I try to hang on to the thought that I may be back on here yet again one day, FETing for a third. At other times, when I feel the sheer responsibility of raising kids, I also realize that making such a decision will never be taken lightly and that I would have to ask myself whether I would be truly ready to take on everything it entails. Going for my second was easy – I knew that we definitely wanted a sibling for DD. But deciding on a third is not so easy.
So with that, I’ve always had to accept the possibility that this pregnancy was my last, that this baby was my last, and that this special time of life, one way or another may be coming to a close. We try to do what we can to keep memories – photos, videos, diaries. But at the end of the day, its having to let go. Even if there is another child in one’s future, there’s still always having to let go of THIS baby. I look at DD these days – the one who resulted from the cycle that started this blog and while I love every minute of who she is now, its been hitting me recently that she is not even a toddler anymore. She is now a little child. In many ways everything I had ever dreamed when I used to dream of having a “child” of my own – and yet, now so far removed from the “baby” she once was, who is now forever gone.
It doesn’t help that with all those changes, come other changes as well, that only serve to remind us that time moves on. I have since moved and had to give up the home that my babies came “home” to. Which was a tough loss in terms of the memories that this home held for me. I also sadly, due to our economy, lost my job, which I had started coincidentally right when this IVF cycle began. It was another place associated with so many memories for me – funny how one can remember having morning sickness in the hallways fondly. Or nervously waiting for a call which would announce the latest beta reading. Or sitting at one’s desk with a little one kicking you from the inside. Or finally bringing your baby to share with cooing coworkers. Without a doubt, this loss was also tough and yet another reminder that time rolls on and that you have to leave phases of time in your life behind you. Which is especially hard, when all you want to do is hold on.
I was in the gymboree outlet store recently, where they sell all of last years styles. I had no idea that I would feel the way I did when I suddenly saw so many of the outfits that people had given me as presents for my back-then newborn. It was like seeing his clothes all brand new again in the store. Now here I am trying to shop for 12 month old clothing.
Yes, I had no idea how hard letting go would be when I signed up for this parenting thing. Or even this TTC thing. My life before was just an endless repeat of yet another year, another birthday, another Christmas. Nothing much changed – other than the “number” of the year we cheered on New Years Eve, or the “number” on the birthday cake. Now everything is different. Every season is precious and unique. And as my youngest is steadily making that inevitable change from baby to “toddler”, and with every other accompanying change in my life that has been so sad to see gone, I sometimes ask if this is “The End”. The end of the whole TTC/pregnancy/baby stage for me. And while I look forward to many things in the future, I often find, I just don’t want to let go. Who would have thought, that I would gladly jump back to the time period that marked the start of this blog and do it all over again.
Of course I realize that letting go has come harder for me because of all the other losses and things I’ve had to let go of in tandem. Sometimes I feel that if I had been left with my familiar surroundings – my home, my work, I would have been able to at least look around me at any point and relive the memories. And that celebrating new milestones within my childrens’ lives would have been the only times I would have had to deal with sentiments about letting go. Perhaps if the journey getting here had not been a story in itself, it might have been a little easier too. Or maybe not.
At any rate, this blog, even though I post to it once in a blue moon while, now stands as one of my dearest memories and keepsakes of a time I kind of forever wish to keep.
And who knows… where there is an end, there is always also a beginning. Here’s hoping that it would always be a beginning of something just as wonderful. And maybe, just maybe, if life works out that way, this blog might yet live to tell the tale of TTC number three. And it is hardly “The End” quite yet.
But we’ll see. Life will tell. And while I wait to see it unfold, I’ll try to at least come by on here and post more often. Hopefully always with lots of happy things to say!
I always remember today. Because 4 years ago on this day both my children were conceived. This year it was especially amazing to see this day and look at both my children and think about the fact that this is the day they both came into existence. I still remember that day so freshly and how we saw the sun rise that morning and wondered if this will be the day our baby will be conceived. Well not only one but now we have two children from that day and it is so surreal. The post that I made on this blog that day makes me remember it so clearly, as one of the most wondrous days of my life.
Baby number one is a little over 3 years. Baby number 2 is 8 months going on 9.
It is excruciatingly hard for me to watch the time steadily fly by and know that he will not be a baby forever. I saw a friend the other day whom I had not seen in a very long while and was stunned when I saw her child, whom I had not seen in even longer. He was now 9 years old, and the last thing I remember was holding him as an infant. It almost didn’t seem plausible that this 9 year old was this baby. And it made me think about how it will inevitably happen to me.
For some reason I have come to associate these first stages of life – pregnancy, birth and that precious 1st year, as happiness. Perhaps because what I remember before then is depression and pain and that feeling that everything is meaningless and nothing makes me happy. One of the tolls of that TTC journey. It is funny how at the beginning of it I absolutely dreaded IVF and thought that I absolutely cannot stand the thought of not conceiving “naturally”. But now, it is actually one of my most precious life’s memories and by far one of the most amazing and surreal things I did. And here now 4 years down the line, I am still recollecting those memories of those key days and reminicsing about how it all marked the beginning.
I hope that going forward I will start to obtain the more realistic view that this whole journey was not simply about making babies, but about making people. Because babies certainly don’t stay babies forever. I have a very real and larger than life pre-schooler to prove it.
I think the other reason it has been so hard for me to see my second baby’s first year go by is simply how busy this year ended up being for me. I effectively only now finally got around to putting all the finishing touches on the nursery I finally have for him. And I am so sad, because it is already time to lower the crib mattress down all the way. All these little milestones are hard for me. I see parents who talk about how they can’t wait for their babies to grow and get their sleep back and all of that, and I kind of envy them. They will get what they want sooner than later, that’s for sure. Those babies do grow. What I want is for my baby to remain a baby forever. And that won’t happen.
There have been times when I have wondered if I should have waited with the FET and not gone back for number 2 so quickly. I think well, that would have stretched out time and I would have had this (same) baby to look forward to later. Of course, when we did go for the FET, I already felt like I had delayed it to the max and of course I had no idea how busy things will get. And when I look at my two and how much my first loves and adores the second, it makes me wonder if having a bigger age gap would have changed that dynamic. Even if not, I now feel like something is missing when I look back at the times when we just had our first. It was a really happy time of course, but now when I look back, I cannot imagine not having my 2nd. Noone summarized it better than DD when I was showing her photos of her as a baby and us as a family back then and she suddenly asked where is my brother? What’s ironic is that he “could” have been there, given all the surreal circumstances of IVF.
I guess the bottom line is is he was there. He’s been there for 4 years just like DD. I took them to the park today and told DD that today is a special day for her and for her brother. And she asked why. I couldn’t think of a better way to answer than to say… because today is the day that God made you.
I know that I am posting so infrequently here, that each time I do, I have a tendancy of wanting to catch up on EVERYthing and all my emotions from the past X months and beyond since I had last posted. Which of course is impossible to do, and as is, my post seems so long in the end, I get surprised that anyone out there would even care to read it start to finish.
I know people blog as a way to document their feelings and their experiences in life. What do you do when the rate of feeling and experiences way way way way surpasses any kind of time that you actually have to blog about it? I guess it builds up within and you never do get to write about it or share it in full like you wish you could.
In gist, I will at least update to say that yup, my DS is now a 6 month old baby. And the happiest, sweetest, most amazing baby I could have dreamed. Writing about him alone would take up at least a million posts, because I could talk about just that forever. But for the purpose of this post, in terms of me,I had what is supposedly an annual check up today. Anytime I have a special kind of day that brings back so freshly the memories of pregnancy, birth and all things related to creating life, I feel that urge to blog about it here. The place that started it all.
First off, I was surprised when I even saw a message pop up on my phone to remind me about this appointment coming up. I had a vague recollection that it was coming up somewhere soon but had not really thought about it. Suddenly when I saw that it was, especially at a busy time for me as it was, I started wondering if I am better off switching to another day. I was so shocked to hear that my doctor is booked out pretty much till next year! I asked, wow, well what if I were pregnant again??? Surely they wouldn’t make me wait till the baby is about to be born. The response was, well, that’s a different kind of appointment.
Yes…. somehow I forgot how much a priority status you get when you are pregnant at an ob office. It seemed so sad somehow that not too long ago, this office was practically my second home. But now I am back to only getting my 10 minute visit once a year. its such a harsh change. I wish it were at least twice a year. But I suppose the less one needs to see doctors the better it speaks of one’s overall health?
Anyway, I frantically tried to put every question I could think together. When you have this scary thought that you only get to see your doctor face to face to ask her important things once a year, you suddenly really don’t want to mess up, and make sure that you address them all.
Surprisingly, half my questions that I wrote down seemed to concern a potential future pregnancy. One I do not even know if I will ever have. But I keep going back and forth. The thought that I would have a second child was almost a given. I knew that if I COULD at all get pregnant and have another, I would almost certainly go for number 2. A third is a much trickier thing – at least for me. I wish I had this “FOR SURE” knowledge like so many people I seem to see – they are SURE they want only 2. Or they are SURE they definitely want 3. Or they are SURE they just want one. Not me. I am truly torn between the incredible responsibility that every additional child adds, in every way from financial to the time and commitment to raise an individual and on and on – there’s all of that on one side. And yet on the other… there is that strong feeling that I would be so much happier if this were not my last time and my last child. Especially so when I know I have those embies waiting. How could I ever not ever go back and see if any of them are meant to be. Just like I cannot imagine my life without DD or DS now… is there someone else that I would forever rob myself (and anyone else in this world) from ever knowing.
It is absolutely CRAZY what this type of journey to having children does to you. Just today at this same office, a chatty nurse mentioned how happy she is with her IUD device for birth control. All I could think about was what my doctor had told me, that she is not going to lie and that “part” of how that device works is that it prevents implantation IF for any reason conception does happen somehow (it supposedly releases hormones so that it never does). But she said it is unknown exactly how it works and that it uses all of these methods to prevent pregnancy. I remember having told her that I would feel hypocrytical then to use that method of birth control. If it prevents implantation while I have embies I am saving all at the same time.
The future is certainly unknown. Will I ever go for another FET. If I were to guess, purely on the way I feel today, I would say…. yes. I would probably put on blinders to everything from how much more responsibility I will forever have to how much more expensive life will get and complicated and on and on, and I would just do it. But we’ll see how things go and how both I and DH feel as more time passes.
All the same, I felt the need to ask questions just in CASE it will become our destiny to try for another. Will it be easy to conceive, or rather get pregnant (the way I would want to) after a C section? would I be able to do a VBAC? And on an on. I asked about how well my incision area is healing and all of that as well.
Through it all, I just felt like a sentimental sap, looking at these familiar walls and recalling what they mean to me and how I had spent my two incredible and special pregnancies here. I fully realize when I look at the staff and my doctor that no matter how wonderful they are to me (like I am the only person who they had ever delivered in the world), this is their way of life. Since I gave birth, there have been tons more deliveries, and while each one of them was the hugest event to the parents, for them, it was yet another standard week of work. I just feel fascinated how some of the hugest events in people’s lives, that they experience maybe 2 or so times in total, are literally a daily typical work day for others.
Before I left I asked my doc, in her opinion, and especially doing this for a living, what does she think is a good reason to have another child. And she responded with something that had a profound impact on me. She said “When you feel that someone is still missing”.
I sat there, nursing my baby before I had to leave, and thought… someone is missing. Those embies that are waiting. Suddenly my 50-50 feeling of whether I would ever go back for another spiked to more ofa 70-30.
Although of course I know I cannot make huge decisions like this on a whim of sentimental/emotional/hormonal moments. There is so much I know I will have to face in terms of things to consider.
But we’ll just have to live and see.
The weekend before last I noticed something I had not seen in a loooooong time – ewcm. (Almost everyone who spent long enough ttc knows exactly what that is). And I thought… could this mean that my fertility is now returning after having had my baby and all these months of nursing. I figured well, I guess I will find out in two weeks if this gets followed up with AF. I didn’t need to wait that long. My long lost AF suddenly reunited with me out of the blue on Saturday. After well over a year (not counting childbirth of course) of being completely and blissfully AF-free.
It was somewhat bittersweet. Although I can’t complain after 5 months, when with my DD, it just took 2. For some reason, even after having a baby, I kind of hoped to not have anything that would even make me think about fertility for a while and just enjoy the moment – an AF-free life is really not that bad. But she’s back. And why do I have the feeling that she will be returning monthly again the way she always does.
I think sometimes about whether it is in the stars for me to have a third child someday and do this whole thing all over again. Sometimes I think its just something I tell myself “might” happen, but realistically it won’t. Other times, I tell myself that it is inevitable that i will yet do another FET someday. But for now, I just enjoyed my new DS and put those thoughts aside for as long as they would stay there. The return of AF, reminds me that one day, sooner or later I will have to think about whether this is a journey I will once again embark on. I’ll guess we’ll see how life turns out. For now, I simply don’t know.