A special day – Remembering this day 10 years ago when my girl and boy were conceived

Today may be the day we find out who becomes our next president. But 10 years ago today, this day had a very deep personal meaning for me.

It was the day of my egg retrieval and the day that 2 of my kids came into existence. And the great thing about IVF is that you know the EXACT day it was – one of the special perks of IVF I guess ūüôā

So this morning, first thing is I re-read my post today from 10 years ago. Wow. You know girlfriends, for those of you keeping some sort of journal or blog going, please do – you’d be surprised how much detail you COMPLETELY will forget forever unless it is written down. Of course that goes for any special or big memories of your life. You will remember the main facts and a few little things, but so many details will be lost over the years unless you take the time to imprint them somewhere.

It was awesome to be able to re-live that day through my fresh memories of it written on that exact day. And the only thing I know today that I didn’t know that day, was that it was the day 2 of my babies came into existence. One that I got pregnant with that cycle, and another whom I went back for later.

So today, is truly a huge anniversary for me when I think about it. Who would have known that that dawn I was mesmerized with that morning, was truly the marker of that beginning that I had felt that strange presence of at the time.

November 8, 2016 at 9:26 am Leave a comment

HELLO 10 years later! Ten years after IVF – Retrospect on IVF journey

I doubt any of my original readers see this blog anymore. But I am posting for sentimental reasons, because today just happeens to be 10 years exactly to the day since I started the IVF journey with that Lupron shot (and a total coincidence that I happened to check this blog exactly today, while thinking of the events from 10 years ago).

It is amazing to look back on life, once you have lived to see how your story unfolded.  I remember the single most difficult thing about my TTC journey, IVF and dealing with infertility was that BIG question of how will it all end and will I end up with the child(ren) I so desperately wanted. And NOTHING, absolutely nothing, not any crystal ball, not Google (was Google the giant back then that it is today? :D) nothing could just TELL me whether I will end up with kids or not Рexcept time. And I just had to live it out and see the final answer. No short cuts. No magic predictions. All I had, was statistics and odds of this and that and what not, but nothing could tell me what was going to happen to ME.

I don’t know about most of you, but that was hard for me. Hard to have to WAIT. Wait for a result. Wait for an outcome. Want for a number. And that’s what IVF was – a waiting game where every day or week, you just focused on the next hurdle and whether you would pass though that door to face another door, or whether you would have it shut in your face with a game over.

Here’s what I can say, looking back 10 years later, for anyone out there who faces the journey, and the storm of the unknown today.

It will be OK.

Those who end up with kids and even those that don’t – all end up OK. The single most important thing in the world to you TODAY is not going to be the most important and forefront thing on your mind 10 years later. Regardless of the outcome.

For me today, I have a different set of problems, a different life, and am “almost” an entirely different person because of one more decade of life experience and the journeys I’m on today. But the one thing that hasn’t changed about me is that I’m sentimental ūüôā Here I am remembering my journey, very fondly actually, and re-reading my posts from 10 years ago, where one day at a time, my story was unfolding and every day was a cliff hanger as to what would happen next, and would I end up with that amazing and elusive BFP… and the most desirable and wondrous thing in the world – a baby.

The good thing about ten years later, is that now I can write in a sentence or a paragraph of how it all ended – vs having to wait one painful hour at a time to see where the chips will fall 10 years ago.

My story ended happily. I had that amazing BFP at the end of my cycle and my treasured prize of my miracle baby girl 9 months later. Today that sweet little baby is 9 years old.

Two and a half years later, I went back into the loop this time with frozen cycles and the second one ended with my son, my angelic baby, who is 6 today.

And finally the biggest and most ironic surprise of all… six and something years after that original IVF cycle, out of nowhere… I just got a BFP. So out of nowhere that I didn’t have a CLUE that I was pregnant, until familiar symptoms of fatigue just struck me in an OH EM… GEEE way. And just like that… I was on my way to having my totally surprise and unexpected THIRD child!!!

Ha.. one hears that story so often – I know I did. The surprise child after IVF cycles and all of that ordeal. And yet nothing prepares you for when it actually happens to you. Seriously, 10 years ago I had been a basket of tears, praying and trying to look for any straws of hope that I would eventually have kids. Today, I’m a busy mother of three. This is someone who at some point thought that we might never have kids. When people say they had a surprise baby, they are usually not people who went through IVF. When you go through IVF to have kids…. that surprise baby is really a SURPRISE baby.

And in fact it was funny… it was like I’d missed all that TTC part and betas and what not and was just fast forwarded to being pregnant??? “No fair” as kids say these days – it’s like I missed the start of the journey with my baby! ūüôā lol But talk about life’s ironic curve balls.

I have to say, even though I am now in the camp of those who live to tell how their stories panned out and I certainly cannot complain about how mine did, I look back very fondly at my journey even though at that actual time, it was a nerve wrecking TTC survival literally.

Now I am the voice of 10 years later, and wish the me of 10 years ago could hear me, read this post, and feel less worry.

Enjoy every part of your life – even when it looks like a tough part. Because it will be a unique moment you will look back on one day, with its share of special blessings that are too easy to miss when we are so caught of with worrying about the negative sides.

To anyone who is on that journey today, good luck… and enjoy every second of that magical ride.




October 13, 2016 at 12:05 pm 2 comments

THE BIG NEWS resulting from the BIG NEWS :) (UPDATE…)

When I posted on here 9 months ago with my shocking surprise natural pregnancy, I had no idea that the next time I would post would be with the news of the outcome 9 months later! But I thought nobody read this blog anymore. I was very touched and surprised to (only now) see comments on my last post. However, I do wish I had posted somewhere in between especially at big key moments in my journey.

But here I am today with at least a brief main headline update…


He’s been here for a few weeks now and it certainly feels like I’ve lived a lifetime already between my last post and now.

So I will be back with another post….. about the details of what happened and the story, and on where I am now today….

Coming soon…

March 13, 2014 at 11:40 am 1 comment


I was shocked when I just finally openned up this blog again to see that I have not posted here since 2011. Really? Does time fly that fast that I missed making a single post all of last year?

Its not that I dont think about all the things that this blog documented, every once in a while and with great sentiment. But I guess life got a little too busy and too crazy and posting here became dormant.

But how can I not come back now.

Especially for anyone who ever reads this story, or followed it to begin with…. to know what sometimes happens down the line.

Earlier this year I started realizing that I need to start making some very serious thoughts about my remaining embies (4 blasts), because we’re not getting any younger, time is flying and clocks are ticking. Just thinking those thoughts stressed me out, because to say that I was ready for it would have been the biggest lie. I was seriously out of shape for one and I knew before even considering another pregnancy, I would need to get to where I would want to be for it. But also.. I really didn’t know if I was prepared to sign up for the life with 3. Lets face it, we don’t make babies afterall – we make people. I felt very comfortable with 2. I had my boy and my girl and a life FULL to the brim. So how could I possibly even think about adding to it? My embies stayed on my mind, but I simply wasn’t sure when I would be ready to take that step.

At some point when thinking about the options I simply knew that SOMEhow I would need to go for them. I don’t seem to be emotionally built to have them adopted (through channels I’ve read). I think I would always wonder if I did the right thing and agonize that my child is growing up somewhere without me. At the same time, I knew that going for them is also like playing Russian roulette. What if the first one is a success? I’d still have 3 left and I know I would not be able to responsibly go for yet another. I have to think about my children, our family, and the impact it makes each time. By this summer I was seriously on the fence again about whether I would ever go for it, wondering if I even SHOULD go for it, and what option to end up picking for my life…

Until God made the decision for me.

2 days ago, on Sunday the 23rd, I had the shock of my life to find out that I am…. PREGNANT.

the past few days I had been tired and actually worried about why I am this much. Was it my extra weight? Was it the heat? I didn’t seem like me.¬†I was lying on the couch after having taken my kids out and simply passing out from being tired until it suddenly occurred to me to check (for some crazy reason) when it was my period was due. Its not that I thought that I was pregnant – I just seem to like to freak out every once in a while to see if I’m late, not that I would ever expect that I am – not after surviving ttc. I think the freaking out dates back to when I used to freak out when I was “not” planning pregnancies, and since my cycles were like clockwork and I documented them since I was 11, I always liked knowing when to expect a period and when it wouldn’t show up on time, I’d freak out by default.

I started looking up the last date of AF in the window that I would have expected it to have been – basically, in the last 28 days somewhere. But I didn’t see any notes. So I had to look back further. And suddenly I realized pretty clearly that I am LATE. I am not just late – I am seriously (according to freak out rules) late. Day 34. Now for a cycle that’s usually 27-28 days I had NEVER been this late before in my life… maybe only once that I remember that I was a teenager, but my period had come that morning.

I immediately told DH who was sitting across from me that we need a pregnancy test. He told me to go get one, but of course it wasn’t like he remotely even had a thought that it would turn positive. Honestly neither did I. I sooner thought I was experiencing early menopause – which is exactly what I was thinking as I drove like a mad woman to buy a test at the nearest location. I thought… this is a fluke. Its GOT to be. But for a moment.. just for a moment… let me consider if it isn’t. After all… i have never been this late… not for good reason. For a second I considered it…. I simply basked in being able to even consider it… the way any “typical fertile” woman might. I thought, in a few minutes, I would take the test, it will of course be negative and it will all be over anyways. And probably a good thing too. And I prayed God.. your will be done.

I bought the test (either the location seriously has their prices jacked, or times have sure changed on how much these things cost). I came home and didn’t waste any time and ran immediately to take it. DH asked if I want him there and I said up to him. He decided to come along. I got my cup ready, and barely read the instructions to refresh them in my mind. Hadn’t I done this and gone through this like 1000 times while TTC after all? I should remember how to take a test. I dipped the stick in.. counted…. and before I even put it down flat it was moving and forming… THE LINE. And the first thing that flew out of my mouth to H was “we’re pregnant”.

I am in total shock and disbelief and hit with a million emotions. I’ve heard about it but of course it’s just something that happens to “other people”. There is no way I would have imagined that it would happen to us and to me.¬†My son is now 3. And all this time, even though there were times when pregnancies technically “could” have happened, I was never worried because after all… all those months of trying and ending with IVF proved to me that it doesn’t just happen to us like that. And now I’m also 38. If I had to do a fresh cycle now, even that would be iffy. I had actually thought about that in recent months, that now only am I in the IF category at this point, I now have age to layer atop that. I’d be lucky to get pregnant even with my embies probably. In short… the absolute LAST THING ON EARTH I would have ever imagined…. was my world turning upside down in that instant.. with that.. totally unexpected, totally not-predicted, completely unplanned… BFP!

Whoever is reading this – IT HAPPENS.

The irony I thought, laughing to myself and with DH hours later…. that 8 years ago I was in the trenches of TTC at a young 30 years of age. The irony… that we tried and tried and tried, and TIMED with precision.. where I kept reading that within 4 cycles if you aren’t pregnant, something is certainly wrong. ALL of that. And all that culminating with my journey here, where I was lucky enough in the end, to bring a beautiful baby into this world 9 months later. Then my eventual return (of course!) for my frosties… a failed cycle and the other resulting in my DS. Getting pregnant this way… was all I knew.

Until now.

Here I am…. down the line 7 years later.. at 38… and completely surprised with a totally NATURAL pregnancy. That wasn’t even remotely due to TTC either.
It just…. OOPS…. happened!

As I write this… I have calculated that I am a little over 5 weeks along. Of course, anything could happen at this point still. And after all I’m not new to the concept of miscarriages and had been shocked with that kind of experience in the past too. We have not told anyone yet… not even our kids. And I sit tight as this new story begins to unfold. But one thing that nooone can now ever take away from me.. is that DH and I can now say something we thought we would never be able to… that we conceived entirely on our own! And without even trying. For someone who went the IVF route… that is just as shocking as the surprise pregnancy itself.

I know I have lots to think about now… not to mention reroute my mind into having to see life with 3 as no longer an abstract concept, but as a pending reality..
I also have to face the reality that I am in the worst shape starting out.. and as of Sunday, I have made myself the priority again.. something I had not in years…. because I realize now that I have to make the best choices I possibly can for my health and that of this baby..
All the things I preoccupied myself with prior to this, have now been obliterated by being hit like a freight train with this completely unexpected event of life.
But whatever it is.. and whatever happens… I will embrace it.

And I guess its back to this blog… as I document this ongoing story… of Surviving TTC.. and things that happen down the road in life, when you wait long enough!

June 25, 2013 at 9:11 pm 3 comments

5 Years Today

I write here once in a blue moon to give updates and share emotions as life goes on – the fact is, life has just become too hectic, especially these last couple of years and there’s barely enough time to do what I have to do. But on days like this, I always wish I wrote here more often, and of course I always remember these marker points that are now forever a very special part of my history.

Today once again marks the special day that both my kids came into existence. 5 years for them both, even though they were born 2.5 years apart. One of the gifts we are given with this kind of journey is that we know this very exact day, something not everyone gets to know. Of course, I wonder how many people still remember it and think about it 5 years later, but for me I will remember it always. It is also of course a reminder of the existence of my remaining embies. And fate has yet to decide how the future will pan out in terms of them.
So what is life like 5 years down the road for those of us who embarked upon this journey and came out with a kid or two? Well, I’d say its pretty normal, as far as not thinking TTC stuff the way we used to live and breath it. We’ve kind of easily mixed right in with the moms who got their BFP on first try and there’s nothing that can tell us apart. We’re all equally up to our ears in everything from diapers to disciplining headstrong youngsters to cleaning up messes and all the joys of parenting. Life is pretty normal – as in chaotic, sacrificial, challenging and yes also full of joy. My own life has been especially chaotic, with just about every life event thrown on us in heaps over the last couple of years. Job changes, moves, deaths in the family, the works. Its been all about navigating through it all one day at a time.
So far its not calmed down just yet and there’s certainly isn’t enough time in the day. Which is part of the reason that it takes days like this to post here. Sadly some things have gotten severely neglected. Like me. I am more than overweight and so far without any time nor stamina to do what it would take to start reversing things. Certain feeble attempts have gone nowhere, since getting my body back would require a commitment to a lifestyle that is impossibly hard to achieve just yet with how hectic my days are. Holidays coming up certainly don’t help matters. I have thought several times about using this blog as a tool to embark on a weight loss journey, cause truthfully if the title is about surviving TTC, I am not so sure I have survived yet – not with the shape I’m in. The whole childbearing business did a number on my body. One that it would take another journey to reverse.
On the other hand, the children this journey produced are he light in my life. My source of joy, and what keeps me going through any situation. Yes, it is hard hard hard to be a parent. Some days you just want nothing but to do nothing – to just sit on the couch somewhere, kick up your feet and read a book, or dream. That never happens anymore. Rain or shine, in sickness and in health, for better for worse – we don’t even have to give that vow for our children, it just goes without saying. Life is crazy sometimes. But you just keep going.
At the same time, it is hard for me sometimes to let go. I just went through yet another round of putting away clothes that are now too small for both of them, and it always has that sentimental tingle to the process. I look back on the days of having had them as newborns as the most amazing and wondrous time of life. That gift of a little life placed into your hands. Its hard to close the door on that and tell myself I will never try to experience it again, and especially not when I still have embies. But on the flipside the reality of life sets in fast with the cost of having these kids. DH and I used to be able to do whatever we want (well, give or take). Now, life is just expensive and boy did we feel it when we took a vacation as a family of 4 this year.
So I guess we’ll see how life goes.
While the future still remains an open path (hopefully with not too rocky a road), the past is certain and some of the most treasured things I have, is my memories.Like my memory of this day 5 years ago and how we watched the sun rise thinking that this would be the day our baby might be conceived. There truly is nothing more amazing than days like that. So I remember it today, and while I wonder what the future might still hold because of that day in my history, I can say that I am already deeply thankful for everything it gave me.

November 8, 2011 at 8:43 pm 2 comments

“The End”? Dealing with letting go of what’s behind us

I have meant to write on here so many times.
Life with two kids (and everything else) kind of made it fall off the bandwagon.
But my little DS, my little frostie, turned one almost 2 months ago now (Yes, I had meant to write here on that sentimental day too).

When I started this blog over 4 and half years ago, I remember how badly I wanted to¬†have this part of life¬†over with¬†already. TTC had been without a doubt, grueling, depressing, uncertain process¬†and coincided with some of the most depressing time of my life. I saw IVF as the ultimately difficult thing to¬†face, something I never knew I would, and of course anyone having been through the process knows that the¬†day by day journey of going through it, never knowing¬†what the next day’s news would be, and the¬†wait game of having¬†to wait to find out, becomes something you just try to survive, day by day.¬†Starting this blog was supposed to help me get through it somehow and process my emotions, be able to have others out there support me and relate.

What I never realized is that the journey, the blog and that whole new beginning would end up becoming one of the most precious and sacred parts of my life. One that I would actually hold on to, and be so very sad to let go of. My journey on my unforgettable IVF cycle ended up with the most special story of my life, which did end with happiness and with some of the best memories of my life that ensued. I never for once took it, or happiness for granted because I knew exactly what it was like to be on the other end. And because of that, I also became extra aware that happiness is not a permanent state of life, and to just grab it and hold on to it when it is there.

Having been so focused on TTC, of course pregnancy and having a baby became synonymous with “happiness” for me. It was what I had been trying to achieve for so long. So of course having my second one turn one has been accompanied with quite a good amount of “letting go” of this stage of life. There are times I try to hang on to the thought that I may be back on here yet again one day, FETing for a third. At other times, when I feel the sheer responsibility of raising kids, I also realize that making such a decision will never be taken lightly and that I would have to ask myself whether I¬†would be truly ready to take on¬†everything it entails. Going for my second was easy – I knew that we¬† definitely wanted a sibling for DD. But deciding on a third is not so easy.

So with that, I’ve always had to accept the possibility that this pregnancy was my last, that this baby was my last, and that this special time of life, one way or another may be coming to a close. We try to do what we can to keep memories – photos, videos, diaries. But at the end of the day, its having to let go. Even if there is another child in one’s future, there’s still always having to let go of THIS baby. I look at DD these days¬†– the one who resulted¬†from the cycle that¬†started this blog and while I love every minute of who she is now, its been hitting me recently that she is not even a toddler anymore. She is now a little child. In many ways everything I had ever dreamed when I used to dream of having a “child” of my own – and yet, now so far removed from the “baby” she once was, who is now forever gone.

It doesn’t help that with all those changes, come other changes as well, that only serve to remind us that time moves on. I have since moved and had to give up the home that my babies came “home” to. Which was a tough loss in terms of the memories that this home held for me. I also sadly, due to our economy,¬†lost my job, which I had started coincidentally right when this IVF cycle began. It was another place associated with so many memories for me – funny how one can remember having morning sickness in the hallways¬†fondly. Or nervously waiting for a call which would announce the latest beta reading. Or sitting at one’s desk with a little one kicking you from the inside. Or finally bringing your baby to share with cooing coworkers.¬† Without a doubt, this loss was also tough and yet another reminder that time rolls on and that you have to leave phases of time in your life behind you. Which is especially hard, when all you want to do is hold on.

I was in the gymboree outlet store recently, where they sell all of last years styles. I had no idea that I would feel the way I did when I suddenly saw so many of the outfits that people had given me as presents for my back-then newborn. It was like seeing his clothes all brand new again in the store. Now here I am trying to shop for 12 month old clothing.

Yes, I had no idea how hard letting go would be when I signed up for this parenting thing. Or even this TTC thing. My life before was just an endless repeat of yet another year, another birthday, another Christmas. Nothing much changed – other than the “number” of the year we cheered on¬†New Years Eve, or the¬†“number”¬†on the birthday cake. Now everything is different. Every season is precious and unique. And as my youngest is steadily making that inevitable change from baby to “toddler”, and with every other accompanying change in my life that has been so sad to see gone, I sometimes ask if this is “The End”. The end of the whole TTC/pregnancy/baby stage for me. And while I look forward to many things in the future, I often find, I just don’t want to let go. Who would have thought, that I would gladly jump back to the time period that marked the start of this blog and do it all over again.

Of course I realize that letting go has come harder for me because of all the other losses and things I’ve had to let go of in tandem. Sometimes I feel that if I had been left with my familiar surroundings – my home, my work, I would have been able to at least look around me at any point and relive the memories. And that celebrating new milestones within my childrens’ lives would have been the only times I would have had to deal with sentiments about letting go. Perhaps if the journey getting here had not been a story in itself, it might have been a little easier too. Or maybe not.

At any rate, this blog, even though I post to it once in a blue moon while, now stands as one of my dearest memories and keepsakes of a time I kind of forever wish to keep.

And who knows… where there is an end, there is always also a beginning. Here’s hoping that it would always be a beginning of something just as wonderful. And maybe, just maybe, if life works out that way, this blog might yet live to tell the tale of TTC number three. And it is hardly “The End” quite yet.

But we’ll see. Life will tell. And while I wait to see it unfold, I’ll try to at least come by on here and post more often. Hopefully always¬†with¬†lots of happy things to say!

April 16, 2011 at 1:38 am 3 comments

4 Years.

I always remember today. Because 4 years ago on this day both my children were conceived. This year it was especially amazing to see this day and look at both my children and think about the fact that this is the day they both came into existence. I still remember that day so freshly and how we saw the sun rise that morning and wondered if this will be the day our baby will be conceived. Well not only one but now we have two children from that day and it is so surreal. The post that I made on this blog that day makes me remember it so clearly, as one of the most wondrous days of my life.

Baby number one is a little over 3 years. Baby number 2 is 8 months going on 9.
It is excruciatingly hard for me to watch the time steadily fly by and know that he will not be a baby forever. I saw a friend the other day whom I had not seen in a very long while and was stunned when I saw her child, whom I had not seen in even longer. He was now 9 years old, and the last thing I remember was holding him as an infant. It almost didn’t seem plausible that this 9 year old was this baby.¬† And it made me think about how it will inevitably happen to me.
For some reason I have come to associate these first stages of life – pregnancy, birth and that precious 1st year, as happiness. Perhaps because what I remember before then is depression and pain and that feeling that everything is meaningless and nothing makes me happy. One of the tolls of that TTC journey. It is funny how at the beginning of it I absolutely dreaded IVF and thought that I absolutely cannot stand the thought of not conceiving “naturally”. But now, it is actually one of my most precious life’s memories and by far one of the most amazing and surreal things I did. And here now 4 years down the line, I am still recollecting those memories of those key days and reminicsing about how it all marked the beginning.

I hope that going forward I will start to obtain the more realistic view that this whole journey was not simply about making babies, but about making people. Because babies certainly don’t stay babies forever. I have a very real and larger than life pre-schooler to prove it.
I think the other reason it has been so hard for me to see my second baby’s first year go by is simply how busy this year ended up being for me. I effectively only now finally got around to putting all the finishing touches on the nursery¬†I finally have for him. And I am so sad, because it is already time to lower the crib mattress down all the way. All these little milestones are hard for me. I see parents who talk about how they can’t wait for their babies to grow and get their sleep back and all of that, and I kind of envy them. They will get what they want sooner than later, that’s for sure. Those babies do grow. What I want is for my baby to remain a baby forever. And that won’t happen.

There have been times when I have wondered if I should have waited with the FET and not gone back for number 2 so quickly. I think well, that would have stretched out¬†time and I would have¬†had¬†this (same) baby to look forward to later.¬†Of course, when we did go for the FET, I already felt like I had delayed it to the max and of course I had no idea how busy things will get. And when I look at my two and how much my first loves and adores the second, it makes me wonder if having a bigger age gap would have changed that dynamic. Even if not, I now feel like something is missing when I look back at the times when we just had our first. It was a really happy time of course, but now when I look back, I cannot imagine not having my 2nd. Noone summarized it better than DD when I was showing her photos of her as a baby and us as a family back then and she suddenly asked where is my brother? What’s ironic is that he “could” have been there, given all the surreal circumstances of IVF.

I¬†guess the bottom line is¬†is he was there. He’s been there for 4 years just like DD. I took them to the park today and told DD that today is a special day for her and for her brother. And she asked why. I couldn’t think of a better way to answer than to say… because today is the day that God made you.

November 8, 2010 at 10:53 pm 1 comment

A visit to my ob

I know that I am posting so infrequently here, that each time I do, I have a tendancy of wanting to catch up on EVERYthing and all my emotions from the past X months and beyond since I had last posted. Which of course is impossible to do, and as is, my post seems so long in the end, I get surprised that anyone out there would even care to read it start to finish.

I know people blog as a way to document their feelings and their experiences in life. What do you do when the rate of feeling and experiences way way way way surpasses any kind of time that you actually have to blog about it? I guess it builds up within and you never do get to write about it or share it in full like you wish you could.

In gist, I will at least update to say that yup, my DS is now a 6 month old baby. And the happiest, sweetest, most amazing baby I could have dreamed. Writing about him alone would take up at least a million posts, because I could talk about just that forever. But for the purpose of this post, in terms of me,I had what is supposedly an annual check up today. Anytime I have a special kind of day that brings back so freshly the memories of pregnancy, birth and all things related to creating life, I feel that urge to blog about it here. The place that started it all.

First off, I was surprised when I even saw a message pop up on my phone to remind me about this appointment coming up. I had a vague recollection that it was coming up somewhere soon¬†but had not really thought about it. Suddenly when I saw that it was, especially at a busy time for me as it was, I started wondering if I am better off switching to another day. I was so shocked to hear that my doctor is booked out pretty much till next year! I asked, wow, well what if I were pregnant again??? Surely they wouldn’t make me wait till the baby is about to be born. The response was, well, that’s a different kind of appointment.

Yes…. somehow I forgot how much a priority status you get¬† when you are pregnant¬†at an ob office.¬† It seemed so sad somehow that not too long ago, this office was practically my second home. But now I am back to only getting my 10 minute visit once a year. its such a harsh change.¬†I wish it were at least twice a year. But I suppose the less one needs to see doctors the better it speaks of one’s overall health?

Anyway, I frantically tried to put every question I could think together. When you have this scary thought that you only get to see your doctor face to face to ask her important things once a year, you suddenly really don’t want to mess up, and make sure that you address them all.

Surprisingly, half my questions that I wrote down seemed to concern a potential future pregnancy. One I do not even know if I will ever have. But I keep going back and forth. The thought that I would have a second child was almost a given. I knew that if I COULD at all get pregnant and have another, I would almost certainly go for number 2. A third is a much trickier thing – at least for me. I wish I had this “FOR SURE” knowledge like so many people I seem to see – they are SURE they want only 2. Or they are SURE they definitely want 3. Or they are SURE they just want one. Not me. I am truly torn between the incredible responsibility that every additional child adds, in every way from financial to the time and commitment to raise an individual and on and on – there’s all of that on one side. And yet on the other… there is that strong feeling that I would be so much happier if this were not my last time and my last child. Especially so when I know I have those embies waiting. How could I ever not ever go back and see if any of them are meant to be. Just like I cannot imagine my life without DD or DS now… is there someone else that I would forever rob myself (and anyone else in this world) from ever knowing.

It is absolutely CRAZY what this type of journey to having children does to you. Just today at this same office, a chatty nurse mentioned how happy she is with her IUD device for birth control. All I could think about was what my doctor had told me, that she is not going to lie and that “part” of how that device works is that it prevents implantation IF for any reason conception does happen somehow (it supposedly releases hormones so that it never does). But she said it is unknown exactly how it works and that it uses all of these methods to prevent pregnancy. I remember having told her that I would feel hypocrytical then to use that method of birth control. If it prevents implantation while I have embies I am saving all at the same time.

The future is certainly unknown. Will I ever go for another FET. If I were to guess, purely on the way I feel today, I would say…. yes. I would probably put on blinders to everything from how much more responsibility I will forever have to how much more expensive life will get and complicated and on and on, and I would just do it. But we’ll see how things go and how both I and DH feel as more time passes.

All the same, I felt the need to ask questions just in CASE it will become our destiny to try for another. Will it be easy to conceive, or rather get pregnant (the way I would want to) after a C section? would I be able to do a VBAC? And on an on. I asked about how well my incision area is healing and all of that as well.

Through it all, I just felt like a sentimental sap, looking at these familiar walls and recalling what they mean to me and how I had spent my two incredible and special pregnancies here. I fully realize when I look at the staff and my doctor that no matter how wonderful they are to me (like I am the only person who they had ever delivered in the world), this is their way of life. Since I gave birth, there have been tons more deliveries, and while each one of them was the hugest event to the parents, for them, it was yet another standard week of work. I just feel fascinated how some of the hugest events in people’s lives, that they¬†experience maybe 2 or so times in total,¬†are literally a daily typical work day for others.

Before I left I asked my doc, in her opinion, and especially doing this for a living, what does she think is a good reason to have another child. And she responded with something that had a profound impact on me. She said “When you feel that someone is still missing”.

I sat there, nursing my baby before I had to leave, and thought… someone is missing. Those embies that are waiting. Suddenly my 50-50 feeling of whether I would ever go back for another spiked to more ofa¬† 70-30.

Although of course I know I cannot make huge decisions like this on a whim of sentimental/emotional/hormonal moments. There is so much I know I will have to face in terms of  things to consider.

But we’ll just have to live and see.

September 2, 2010 at 10:32 pm Leave a comment

The return of the ironic fertility

The weekend before last I noticed something I had not seen in a loooooong time – ewcm. (Almost everyone who spent long enough ttc knows exactly what that is). And I thought… could this mean that my fertility is now returning after having had my baby and all these months of nursing. I figured well, I guess I will find out in two weeks if this gets followed up with AF. I didn’t need to wait that long. My long lost AF suddenly reunited with me out of the blue on Saturday. After well over a year (not counting childbirth of course) of being completely and blissfully AF-free.

It was somewhat bittersweet. Although I can’t complain after 5 months, when with my DD, it just took 2. For some reason, even after having a baby, I kind of hoped to not have anything that would even make me think about fertility for a while and just enjoy the moment – an AF-free life is really not that bad. But she’s back. And why do I have the feeling that she will be returning monthly again the way she always does.

I think sometimes about whether it is in the stars for me to have a third child someday and do this whole thing all over again. Sometimes I think its just something I tell myself “might” happen, but realistically it won’t. Other times, I tell myself that it is inevitable that i will yet do another FET someday. But for now, I just enjoyed my new DS and put those thoughts aside for as long as they would stay there. The return of AF, reminds me that one day, sooner or later I will¬† have to think about whether this is a journey I will once again embark on. I’ll guess we’ll see how life turns out. For now, I simply don’t know.

July 19, 2010 at 10:43 pm 1 comment

THIS baby.

I wish I had more time to write on here. Even though I feel like this blog is somehow strictly all about trying for a baby, and hopefully HAVING a baby, what does one do then when trying, and pregnancy are over? The fact is, these unforgettable journeys and memories are something that I always think about, almost every day, in one form or another. Like today, I happened to remember that today was exactly one year since my first FET transfer – of the embie that wasn’t destined to make it. Somehow amidst all the chaos and hecticness of every day life (and it sure is crazy with everything going on right now) I still happen to remember this. Simply because… I cannot forget.

Somehow, the whole process of embarking to ever have children has made me much more appreciative of time and if how every moment in time is unique, never to repeat again. A long time ago, a Christmas was just another Christmas, a summer was just another summer, and a birthday was just another number to add to the years. But now, every event and every period in time, is something I look and think wow, this moment will never come again. Whether it is the precious Christimas of when my daughter was only a 5 month old baby, or the summer when I excitedly started expecting my second, or a birthday where for the first time, I was the mother of two, and the mother of my newborn son.

10 plus weeks have gone by now, and next week – in just one more day – I start work again. I look back at this time I was able to enjoy at home and at my precious baby, and I once again have this thought – that this time will never come again. Sure, I will still have my baby of course and see him every day and nurse him every day – but it will just be a new phase and chapter of life, where I am back at work now with a brand new baby and juggling being the parent of a baby and toddler, moving/selling homes (which is about 90% of what consumes time up right now) and just trying to survive a crazy stage of life.

Amidst it all, I hope to find the time to enjoy every single moment that I can of the time with this precious baby. DS has turned out to be an absolute angel. I honestly cannot imagine how a baby could be more easy, more peaceful, and more content and am so very grateful for this kind of blessing, at a time when things are definitely very hectic. Now, having had DD turn from a precious little baby into a toddler at the blink of an eye, I already know only too well how soon my son will do the same – which makes it much more difficult to let go. Each day I hate the fact that this time of having him as a sweet little baby comes at a time that is so absolutely busy with everything else going on, that I have to split my time and emotions between a thousand things and can’t just devote all my thoughts and emotions to savoring this precious baby. I certainly do what I can to the max that I can. But I can’t stop everything else that is going on. And also of course, I will also always be the mother of my first little one. This baby, sadly, will never have me as completely and fully as my lucky little first one did. But the love I feel, is just as insanely strong. And I know without a doubt, that he will never know the difference and that he will still be showered with more love than he can handle. So the sadness¬†about not having enough time,¬†is all mine. But it is there, none-the-less. I think about how quickly he will grow up and every day I am just in total wonder about how precious this baby stage is – in a way, it truly¬†is like a honeymoon period between a mother and child, that lasts for a moment in time. A honeymoon, that one of them will never even ever remember. Heck my daughter, who nursed for 2 whole years, including the entire first trimester of my pregnancy with her brother, was already laughing to see her baby brother “eat mommy” and thought he was “silly”. So much for remembering! ūüôā lol When I look at her today, I realize in a crazy way, that the beautiful little baby she was, is already gone forever. I will only have my memories. I am immensely enjoying her as a toddler and I know she will only ever continue to morph and that one day, before I blink, she will be an adult. Everyone says it goes by fast, and I am starting to believe them.

Sometimes, more often than not lately, I entertain the thought of having another one day. I keep telling myself, don’t be so sentimental about this being the “last time ever” – of being pregnant, of having a baby and so on and on. After all, who says it HAS to be the last time. I have a compelling reason to go for it again after all – I still have embies left. But also I know, there is a compelling reason to be very careful before commiting to the ENORMOUS responsibility of raising yet another child as well. Will we be able to pull three when even the challenges that two have presented so far are definitely enough to keep us way more than busy. Thankfully, I don’t think about it all too much just yet. Heck, I JUST had this one. So I am in my ‘grace’ period, so to speak.

But there is one thing I know for sure. That regardless of whether I ever do have more children or not, every baby is so very unique and so very special in their own way. I will never again have THIS baby. And the time with THIS child, whether DD or DS, only ever ticks every day while they morph continously and grow continously into what will eventually be another adult.
I guess this is a the bitter-sweet beauty of being a parent. A sentimental one like me anyway. At times I wonder if I hadn’t been on the journeys that I had, if I would have ever stopped to realize all these amazing facts and appreciate life so much more. Regardless, I am glad that I do.¬† Because I think it helps to make sure I thank God all the time for this amazing gift and for this privilage and that I never take it for granted and only ever rather hate the fact that I don’t have enough time in a day to appreciate every God-given moment.

There is a side-note where I need to say with regards to something I just had never had a chance to even write about on here yet, I had reason to see my OB again a few weeks ago since I ended up having a muscle separation in my abs (all having ¬†to do with pregnancy) and so¬†I had a chance to question the birth control method that was being suggested to me – the IUD, and about how it “really” works. She told me that the old copper ones of the past worked simply by preventing implantation but that current ones have hormones in them that supposedly prevent sperm from ever reaching the egg in several ways, but she also smiled to say she realizes why I ask and that she won’t lie and that that ultimately yes, they also make the uterine lining thin and prevent implantation¬†“should” an embryo ever form. I said to her that yes, it would feel very weird to me to use this method of birth control when I actually am storing precious embies that I consider paying huge money and going through cycles for to get to “implant”.

It all makes me realize how much I value each and every individual life now¬†– even at the stage when it is only a potential. Each one has a potential of being a “THIS baby”. One that is unique and unrepeatable. One, like the baby I am ever so lucky to have in my life right now.

If there was a way to bottle up this precious time with him, I would be busy bottling. ūüôā But already, even in his mere 10 weeks of life, there are things that have already become just memories. And even the crazy and awfully difficult time we spent together in the hospital his first 10 days have all now become a precious memory for me.

But I look forward to making many many more, with THIS baby… and savoring each and every one.

May 1, 2010 at 11:55 pm Leave a comment

Older Posts

Expecting Number 2… :)

My TTC History

Started TTC May 2005
RE diagnosed as unexplained in Feb 06.
natural IUI #1 March 06 - BFP, m/c :(
natural IUI #2 May 06 - BFN
clomid IUI #3 July 06 - BFN
femara IUI #4 August 06 - BFN

Skipping suggested injectables,
moving to IVF
Bloodwork: Oct 12 for lupron
ER estimated 1st week of Nov

25 eggs, 15 fertilized.
1 blast transferred, 6 frozen.
Precious baby Girl born in July 07.

After 2.5 years of Bliss since that BFP...

April 2009: Start of TTC #2.
(Going back for the embies I left)
Apr 15: Start of Natural FET cycle.
May 1: Transferred single blast
May 11: BFN :(
Straight to Natural FET #2
May 29: Transferred single blast
June 4: BFP!!!!
June 8: 1st beta - 177
June 10: 2nd beta - 506

Healthy baby Boy born 2010!

Fast forward several years...

June 2013: Surprised with a completely natural and completely unplanned BFP!
August 2020

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