5 Years Today

I write here once in a blue moon to give updates and share emotions as life goes on – the fact is, life has just become too hectic, especially these last couple of years and there’s barely enough time to do what I have to do. But on days like this, I always wish I wrote here more often, and of course I always remember these marker points that are now forever a very special part of my history.

Today once again marks the special day that both my kids came into existence. 5 years for them both, even though they were born 2.5 years apart. One of the gifts we are given with this kind of journey is that we know this very exact day, something not everyone gets to know. Of course, I wonder how many people still remember it and think about it 5 years later, but for me I will remember it always. It is also of course a reminder of the existence of my remaining embies. And fate has yet to decide how the future will pan out in terms of them.

So what is life like 5 years down the road for those of us who embarked upon this journey and came out with a kid or two? Well, I’d say its pretty normal, as far as not thinking TTC stuff the way we used to live and breath it. We’ve kind of easily mixed right in with the moms who got their BFP on first try and there’s nothing that can tell us apart. We’re all equally up to our ears in everything from diapers to disciplining headstrong youngsters to cleaning up messes and all the joys of parenting. Life is pretty normal – as in chaotic, sacrificial, challenging and yes also full of joy. My own life has been especially chaotic, with just about every life event thrown on us in heaps over the last couple of years. Job changes, moves, deaths in the family, the works. Its been all about navigating through it all one day at a time.

So far its not calmed down just yet and there’s certainly isn’t enough time in the day. Which is part of the reason that it takes days like this to post here. Sadly some things have gotten severely neglected. Like me. I am more than overweight and so far without any time nor stamina to do what it would take to start reversing things. Certain feeble attempts have gone nowhere, since getting my body back would require a commitment to a lifestyle that is impossibly hard to achieve just yet with how hectic my days are. Holidays coming up certainly don’t help matters. I have thought several times about using this blog as a tool to embark on a weight loss journey, cause truthfully if the title is about surviving TTC, I am not so sure I have survived yet – not with the shape I’m in. The whole childbearing business did a number on my body. One that it would take another journey to reverse.

On the other hand, the children this journey produced are he light in my life. My source of joy, and what keeps me going through any situation. Yes, it is hard hard hard to be a parent. Some days you just want nothing but to do nothing – to just sit on the couch somewhere, kick up your feet and read a book, or dream. That never happens anymore. Rain or shine, in sickness and in health, for better for worse – we don’t even have to give that vow for our children, it just goes without saying. Life is crazy sometimes. But you just keep going.

At the same time, it is hard for me sometimes to let go. I just went through yet another round of putting away clothes that are now too small for both of them, and it always has that sentimental tingle to the process. I look back on the days of having had them as newborns as the most amazing and wondrous time of life. That gift of a little life placed into your hands. Its hard to close the door on that and tell myself I will never try to experience it again, and especially not when I still have embies. But on the flipside the reality of life sets in fast with the cost of having these kids. DH and I used to be able to do whatever we want (well, give or take). Now, life is just expensive and boy did we feel it when we took a vacation as a family of 4 this year.

So I guess we’ll see how life goes.

While the future still remains an open path (hopefully with not too rocky a road), the past is certain and some of the most treasured things I have, is my memories.Like my memory of this day 5 years ago and how we watched the sun rise thinking that this would be the day our baby might be conceived. There truly is nothing more amazing than days like that. So I remember it today, and while I wonder what the future might still hold because of that day in my history, I can say that I am already deeply thankful for everything it gave me.