“The End”? Dealing with letting go of what’s behind us

I have meant to write on here so many times.
Life with two kids (and everything else) kind of made it fall off the bandwagon.
But my little DS, my little frostie, turned one almost 2 months ago now (Yes, I had meant to write here on that sentimental day too).

When I started this blog over 4 and half years ago, I remember how badly I wanted to have this part of life over with already. TTC had been without a doubt, grueling, depressing, uncertain process and coincided with some of the most depressing time of my life. I saw IVF as the ultimately difficult thing to face, something I never knew I would, and of course anyone having been through the process knows that the day by day journey of going through it, never knowing what the next day’s news would be, and the wait game of having to wait to find out, becomes something you just try to survive, day by day. Starting this blog was supposed to help me get through it somehow and process my emotions, be able to have others out there support me and relate.

What I never realized is that the journey, the blog and that whole new beginning would end up becoming one of the most precious and sacred parts of my life. One that I would actually hold on to, and be so very sad to let go of. My journey on my unforgettable IVF cycle ended up with the most special story of my life, which did end with happiness and with some of the best memories of my life that ensued. I never for once took it, or happiness for granted because I knew exactly what it was like to be on the other end. And because of that, I also became extra aware that happiness is not a permanent state of life, and to just grab it and hold on to it when it is there.

Having been so focused on TTC, of course pregnancy and having a baby became synonymous with “happiness” for me. It was what I had been trying to achieve for so long. So of course having my second one turn one has been accompanied with quite a good amount of “letting go” of this stage of life. There are times I try to hang on to the thought that I may be back on here yet again one day, FETing for a third. At other times, when I feel the sheer responsibility of raising kids, I also realize that making such a decision will never be taken lightly and that I would have to ask myself whether I would be truly ready to take on everything it entails. Going for my second was easy – I knew that we  definitely wanted a sibling for DD. But deciding on a third is not so easy.

So with that, I’ve always had to accept the possibility that this pregnancy was my last, that this baby was my last, and that this special time of life, one way or another may be coming to a close. We try to do what we can to keep memories – photos, videos, diaries. But at the end of the day, its having to let go. Even if there is another child in one’s future, there’s still always having to let go of THIS baby. I look at DD these days – the one who resulted from the cycle that started this blog and while I love every minute of who she is now, its been hitting me recently that she is not even a toddler anymore. She is now a little child. In many ways everything I had ever dreamed when I used to dream of having a “child” of my own – and yet, now so far removed from the “baby” she once was, who is now forever gone.

It doesn’t help that with all those changes, come other changes as well, that only serve to remind us that time moves on. I have since moved and had to give up the home that my babies came “home” to. Which was a tough loss in terms of the memories that this home held for me. I also sadly, due to our economy, lost my job, which I had started coincidentally right when this IVF cycle began. It was another place associated with so many memories for me – funny how one can remember having morning sickness in the hallways fondly. Or nervously waiting for a call which would announce the latest beta reading. Or sitting at one’s desk with a little one kicking you from the inside. Or finally bringing your baby to share with cooing coworkers.  Without a doubt, this loss was also tough and yet another reminder that time rolls on and that you have to leave phases of time in your life behind you. Which is especially hard, when all you want to do is hold on.

I was in the gymboree outlet store recently, where they sell all of last years styles. I had no idea that I would feel the way I did when I suddenly saw so many of the outfits that people had given me as presents for my back-then newborn. It was like seeing his clothes all brand new again in the store. Now here I am trying to shop for 12 month old clothing.

Yes, I had no idea how hard letting go would be when I signed up for this parenting thing. Or even this TTC thing. My life before was just an endless repeat of yet another year, another birthday, another Christmas. Nothing much changed – other than the “number” of the year we cheered on New Years Eve, or the “number” on the birthday cake. Now everything is different. Every season is precious and unique. And as my youngest is steadily making that inevitable change from baby to “toddler”, and with every other accompanying change in my life that has been so sad to see gone, I sometimes ask if this is “The End”. The end of the whole TTC/pregnancy/baby stage for me. And while I look forward to many things in the future, I often find, I just don’t want to let go. Who would have thought, that I would gladly jump back to the time period that marked the start of this blog and do it all over again.

Of course I realize that letting go has come harder for me because of all the other losses and things I’ve had to let go of in tandem. Sometimes I feel that if I had been left with my familiar surroundings – my home, my work, I would have been able to at least look around me at any point and relive the memories. And that celebrating new milestones within my childrens’ lives would have been the only times I would have had to deal with sentiments about letting go. Perhaps if the journey getting here had not been a story in itself, it might have been a little easier too. Or maybe not.

At any rate, this blog, even though I post to it once in a blue moon while, now stands as one of my dearest memories and keepsakes of a time I kind of forever wish to keep.

And who knows… where there is an end, there is always also a beginning. Here’s hoping that it would always be a beginning of something just as wonderful. And maybe, just maybe, if life works out that way, this blog might yet live to tell the tale of TTC number three. And it is hardly “The End” quite yet.

But we’ll see. Life will tell. And while I wait to see it unfold, I’ll try to at least come by on here and post more often. Hopefully always with lots of happy things to say!